The Knights of Lima County
by CheshireRyan
Summary: Knights are loyal to those they serve and protect. Quinn discovered her two knights at the age of nine while playing in the sandbox. Will their allegiance last through high school and is one her own personal Lancelot? Unrequited Quinntana. COMPLETE.
1. The Quiet Page

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

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><p><strong>page<strong> _n_ (historical) a boy in training for knighthood, ranking next below a squire in the personal service of a knight

A boy would serve seven years as a page (an apprentice squire) before graduating at the age of fourteen to a squire. He was essentially a servant in return for learning how being a knight worked. Being a page was the first step to becoming a knight.

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><p><strong>The Quiet Page<strong>

**Chapter One**

**Fall 2003 - Fourth Grade**

_Fourth grade isn't much better than third grade or even kindergarten,_ I decided. I sat down heavily on the edge of the sandbox, running my hands through the cool sand and decided to make a sandcastle. It was the third day at St. Mary's and I still hadn't managed to make any friends. The other kids...well...for the most part, they were jerks. I had been called on to answer a question in class and one of the kids in class_moo_'d me. It was all I could do to not burst into tears and run away. I guess that was what I got for being a chubby kid. I mean, my sister was skinny, my mom was skinny and all the other kids in my class were skinny, so...oh well.

Everyone else was racing around the blacktop, yelling and laughing and I was sitting alone in the sandbox. _Alone._ It was a concept I was very much aware of and even at the age of nine, I was very much terrified of it. I didn't want to be alone forever.

I sighed and stuck a twig in the top of my lopsided sandcastle tower and started working on a wall to go around it. I loved seeing pictures of castles in books and wanted to go to England one day and ride on a horse and meet King Arthur. He sounded pretty cool though Robin Hood was a close second. It was all I wanted to do when I was older. They would be _so_ cool to hang out with and I was sure they wouldn't _moo_ me. Chivalry and all that.

I flinched at the sound of gravel crunching next to the sandbox. _Please don't let one of those mean boys pick on me again, _I prayed._ Please God, I'll do whatever you want. I swear!_ A lanky body sat down on the wooden edge of the sandbox and I noticed skinny, pale legs.

"Hello," a quiet voice said. I looked up fearfully, my eyes meeting the light blue ones of the girl next to me. She was in my class, I knew that. But I wasn't really sure what her name was or why she was sitting with me when she could be having fun with the other kids. The skinny, happy kids.

"Hi," I replied, watching her. She was very pale, a pretty kind of pale with freckles spattered all over her face and neck, and her blonde hair was in messy braids. Her knees were scraped and her shorts were dirty. _Mommy would have a fit,_ I decided. Especially since her shirt was untucked. I liked it.

"I'm Brittany Jensen, but most people just call me Bee," the girl said with a slight accent, lips moving into a small smile. I smiled back tentatively.

"I'm Lucy Fabray." The girl, Brittany, nodded and bent slightly. Her hands went to scoop sand and I watched in awe as she started adding to my castle's wall. "Do you like castles too?"

"Yeah!" she said, smiling widely. "I'm gonna be a knight when I grow up." My jaw dropped. _She was gonna be a _knight_?_ _Whoa! She was the coolest person ever. We had to be friends. It was like required or something._

"Cool!" I exclaimed in awe. "Can we be friends?" Brittany nodded and I scrambled to help her finish the castle's walls. When we were putting the finishing touches (twigs and leaves as flags) the recess lady blew her whistle and all the fourth-graders rushed to line up at the door. I looked at my new friend, the future knight nervously. Would we still be friends after recess or would I be friendless again?

Brittany stood, brushing off her shorts and knees before holding out a hand to me. "Come on. My friend's brother Diego said that Mrs. Finnegan is mean if you're late." I stood and we walked hand-in-hand to where our classmates were lined up in front of our teacher. A tanned girl walked over to us and joined us in the back of the line. She was shorter than Brittany, but they were dressed in the same messy way. I wasn't sure why she was joining us, but I had a feeling that it would be okay. Brittany was going to be a knight after all. She would protect me if this girl was mean.

"Who's your friend?" The small tanned girl asked. Her hands were on her hips and she was giving Brittany a _look_. I knew those sort of looks. Mom and Frankie gave similar ones when they wanted to know something. If you didn't tell them, the look would only get worse and then you were in trouble.

"Her name's Lucy," my friend said. "Lucy, this is Santana. She tries to be mean, but she's all cuddly so don't worry too much." The darker girl frowned and my friend chuckled. I smiled nervously.

We followed the line into our classroom and sat down in our desks. I realized that Santana sat in the row next to me and Brittany sat right behind me. It was kind of neat, having people I knew sitting by me. The other kids didn't seem to like me at all so it was a welcome change.

I sat quietly, a small smile on my face as Mrs. Finnegan started giving the lesson. It was nice to have friends, I realized. I wasn't really sure that Santana was my friend but Brittany was. And Santana was her friend so she kind of had to be friends with me, right? So, it was pretty cool. I knew that at the end of the day when my sister asked how school went, I would say for the first time that it was awesome. And I wouldn't be lying.


	2. The Repentant Squire

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**Also, I have no idea what the pairing is going to wind up being. Keep that in mind, because I will change the second character to that when we get there.**

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><p><strong>squire<strong> _n._ (historical) a young man of noble birth who served a knight in the process of becoming a knight himself; a knight in-training

A squire was a young man (age 14 to 21) who wanted to become a knight. He served a knight as his attendant or shield carrier. If he proved himself worthy, he would become a knight at the age of 21. A young King Arthur was Sir Kay's squire when he pulled the sword from the stone in _The Once and Future King_ and _Le Morte d'Arthur_ amongst the many versions of the tale.

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><p><strong>The Repentant Squire<strong>

**Chapter Two**

**Spring and Summer 2008 - 8th Grade**

I knocked quietly on the front door of the Lopez's. I sniffed quietly, wiping the tears from my cheeks. The door opened and the frail figure of Mama Lopez greeted me. She was sick, but she refused to act like it even if she was starting to resemble a skeleton of her former self.

"Lucy?" she asked, her Puerto Rican accent making me smile sadly. She sounded like the female version of Ricky Ricardo and I loved it when she called me by my name. _Luuuuucy, I'm hoooome!_ "Oh,_mija_. What happened?" She pulled me inside and helped me out of my coat. I followed her into the kitchen where she made me sit while she made me something to eat.

"I'm not hungry, Mama," I said, sighing. The short Latina woman stared at me for a moment before coming and sitting next to me. Her warm hand gripped mine and her warm brown eyes were worried. She knew that my father wasn't the nicest man – I stayed with her family when he was drunk – and always she said she was five minutes away from reporting him and taking me as her own daughter.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "You always love my cooking!" I shook my head and felt tears start to well up in my eyes. Of course I loved her cooking, but I was tired of being fat – tired of not being good enough for my father. I didn't have my friends' metabolism, so I would have to cut back. They could get away with eating like teenage boys in a growth spurt but I couldn't. I started crying and she moved to rub my back, holding me to her chest. I breathed in her spicy smell, more welcoming than my own mother's. I heard her call for her daughter and heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"What's going on, Mama?" Santana's voice asked. It was louder, more assured than Brittany's quiet one. I felt her sit next to me in the other chair. "What's wrong, Lucy Q?" If Brittany was going to be my knight in shining armor, Santana was the slightly tarnished, dented knight. Still noble, but willing to fight dirty and start problems.

"I-I'm fat!" I sobbed. "I'm so t-tired of being fat!" I felt a second pair of arms wrap around me and the smell of Santana's perfume mixed in with her mother's smell. I felt warm and loved, but I was still in the middle of my freak-out so it didn't help much.

"You're not fat, Lucy," Mama said. "You're big-boned." I shook my head and pulled away from her, hiding my face on Santana's shoulder. The younger Lopez rubbed my back soothingly before pushing me away so she could force me to look at her.

"Well, if you're so convinced you're fat, why don't you do something 'bout it?" she asked, her eyes serious. "Me 'n Britt can help you work out if you want." I heard Mama sigh and head back into the kitchen, cupboards opening and closing.

"O-Okay," I sniffled, wiping my cheeks. "Thanks, Ana." Santana smirked and stood, pulling me to my feet with her. I followed her up to the room that she used to share with her sister. I was promptly thrown a pair of sweats that I had left here a few weeks prior.

"Don't thank me yet," Santana said, changing into shorts and a t-shirt. "I'm starting you off with jogging and a diet." I changed quickly, awkwardly.

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><p>Three months later, I was already down around fifty pounds. Santana was like a drill sergeant, terrifying yet effective. Brittany would help, adding in things that she did at her dance classes. Diego and Alejandra, the two older Lopez siblings, would join us on occasion. Today, my arms were starting to feel like jelly and Santana granted me a breather. I groaned and moved over to the back porch for my water bottle.<p>

I felt an arm wrap around me as I greedily swallowed the water. "You're looking good today, Lu," Brittany's soft voice said. "Personally I like you all curvy, but if this is what you wanna do, go for it." I chuckled in embarrassment at her admission. She had told Santana and I that she was "into both" but it still made me uncomfortable on occasion. Daddy said that homosexuality was wrong. But if I ignored that one part of Bee, she was the best person I knew.

"Thanks, Bee," I said, leaning my head on her shoulder. "How was dance today? Or was it motocross?"

"Both. Motocross was long because we've got the competition in Columbus coming up. Dance was awesome, though! I really like the new boy in our class. He's Asian or something." I laughed. "Oh, I was wondering if you'd like to try ballet? There's a beginner's class opening up and they've asked me to help the teacher out."

I tilted my head at her, considering. Was I light enough for ballet? What I knew of it was a lot of getting lifted into the air... "Okay," I said with a nod. "I'll try." Brittany grinned and hugged me tightly, ignoring my protests.

"Annie!" she squealed. "She said yes! She's coming with!" I heard Santana laugh and looked over to see her smirking behind our lanky friend.

"Nobody says no to you, Bee._ Jesus_."

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><p>"Lucy," my father said at dinner a few nights later. I looked up at him cautiously, nervously. He was forever saying damning things and it was all I could do to keep my name off his list. "I would like to speak to you in my study after dinner."<p>

I nodded and went back to picking at my lasagna. When he was finally done and I had cleared the table, I made my way up the stairs to his study. The walls were wood paneled and it smelled of cigar smoke. I had only been in here a handful of times, the last being the night I had broken down about being fat. He had said I was a shame on the family because of how I looked. That I was unworthy of the Fabray name.

"Sit down," he said after I knocked on the door. I lowered myself into one of the old leather chairs and folded my hands in my lap. "I know you're wondering why I wanted you in here. What I'm going to say will stay between us, understand?" I nodded and he looked at the papers on his desk, ignoring me for a moment.

"You're going to get your nose fixed," he said. I glanced at him in surprise. "It's not a Fabray nose."

"Y-Yes sir," I stuttered quietly. It was best to do as he wanted. Defying him was how my nose had been broken in the first place. "I'll get my nose fixed." He nodded, satisfied.

"Your appointment with the plastic surgeon is on Monday. You can go now." I stood and moved quietly to the door as he lit a cigar. "Oh, and Lucy?" I turned back to him. "Do something about your hair."

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><p>"You're sure about this?" Santana asked from behind me the next Wednesday as I sat on the lip of the tub. She was mixing the goo that would bleach my hair from auburn to a dark blonde. I nodded, biting my lip. "It's gonna take a while because you've got so much hair."<p>

"I'm getting a nose job in a few days," I said quietly as she slathered the gunk into my hair and covered chunks in tinfoil. Her hands paused for a second, then resumed their previous task.

"I wish you'd just come live here, Lu. Your dad's an ass." I sighed and closed my eyes as she worked behind me.

"He'd just have your mom arrested for kidnapping or something," I mumbled. "If your dad was here, it'd probably work." I heard Santana swear under her breath in Spanish. Eduardo Lopez, Sr., was in Iraq with the army. He was tanner than his children and wife, probably due to living in what he called _The Sandbox_ and had been going off to different parts of the world for months as far back as I could remember.

"His tour'll be done in a few months. He promised that this was his last one." I hummed in sympathy. That's what he had said about the last one and the one before that. I wasn't even sure if he knew that his wife was sick. He was more involved in the war than with his own family. _Could you become addicted to war?_ I wondered for the millionth time.

"Okay, so now we wait," Santana said and sat down on the tub next to me. "How's ballet been?"

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><p>"I'm mad at you," Brittany said simply as we sat out on the Lopez porch. Her arms were crossed and she was avoiding looking at me. I breathed out shakily before turning towards her.<p>

"Why?"

"Because you're changing your face. Losing weight and dying your hair was one thing, but this is _surgery_. People_ die_ in surgery." She frowned and sent a death glare to the kids riding their bikes in the street.

"You changed your name," I protested weakly. Bee snorted.

"My mother got married to Jacob. That's different, Lucy." I shook my head and stared up at the reddening sky. Sunsets in June were better than any other time of year.

"No, you changed your first and middle name too," I said. Brittany finally looked at me, a sad look on her face that I had rarely seen. _Crap._ I shouldn't have brought that up. Now she was remembering when her dad died. _'People _die_ in surgery."_ Oh shit...

"True," she said quietly, sounding far older than fourteen. "Brittany Susan Pierce is easier for Americans to say. But it's just a name, Lu. I'll always be Katrien Sofieke Jansen to Mama, Marike and my_oma_ and _opa_. I'll always be Kat to myself. Changing your body with knives and drugs is a lot different though. You can't undo that."

"But I have to do it," I said quietly. Brittany shook her head and stood. I felt my chest tighten as Brittany turned her frowning, depressed face towards me. Her eyes were more troubled than I had ever seen them.

"You always have a choice, _zoetje_. You just aren't looking for the alternatives." I watched in shock as she walked away, her hands in her pockets and back bent like there were weights on her shoulders. I sat with my knees to my chest, trying to keep from crying at the pain I had inadvertently caused one of my two best friends and the shame she had caused me to feel.

"Lucy?" Mama Lopez's voice sounded out. I looked up to see her staring down at me from the kitchen window. "Hold on, _mija._" Within a few seconds, the front door opened and the small figure of Mama appeared, wiping her hands on a towel. She sat down next to me and pulled me into her. "It's going to be okay, _mija._ I promise it'll be okay in the end."

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><p>My face felt puffy and I was tired. My parents were out of town again, having left an hour or so after my surgery was done, so I was staying with the Lopez family. <em>Again.<em> Alejandra and Diego had left to go back to school in California the week before, so I was staying in their room.

"What's wrong with your face?" a small voice asked. I opened my eyes and found Junior staring at me, brown eyes wide. "You look like Mike Tyson gotcha."

"Eduardo Carlos Lopez Junior!" Santana's voice called out. "If you're bothering Lucy, I'm going to lay your damned ass out and Mama'll let me!" The little boy perched on the bed next to me flinched slightly before rolling his eyes.

"Ana always says that, but Mama never lets her," he whispered to me as if it were some great secret. It wasn't. I stayed here more than I stayed in my own house, so I knew how grumpy my friend got with her little brother.

"I know," I replied, voice raspy. "She's like Oscar the Grouch, isn't she?" He giggled, his hands going to his mouth in an attempt to muffle the noise. Santana burst into the room and growled menacingly.

"Junior!" He squealed and jumped off the bed, managing to get away from her. I heard his feet pounding down the stairs, undoubtedly going to hid behind his Mama so his sister couldn't get him. Santana's eyes moved to me and a look of sympathy crossed her face. "Sorry 'bout that. Mama's making you soup."

"Okay," I whispered. "Thanks, Ana." She shrugged and left the room as the doorbell rang. I sighed and closed my eyes. Was it weird that the Lopez family was more of a family to me than my own? They were loud and messy and dysfunctional, but more loving and welcoming than my parents. Frankie had gotten married to get away from them when I was still in elementary school. Currently, I still had four more years before college.

_High school,_ I thought suddenly. _Oh god. High school!_ Bee, Ana and I were starting at the public school on the other side of town in a few weeks. McKinney or something. I had officially lost upwards of seventy pounds and was now blonde and when the bandages came off, I would have a perfectly straight nose. And contacts. I wasn't Lucy anymore, was I? I had changed too much...

A knock on the door distracted me from my inner panic. "Come in," I called, eyes opening to look over at the doorway. My lips quirked in a nervous smile as Brittany slipped into the room, hands behind her back.

"Hey." Her blue eyes were avoiding me as she made to sit on the edge of the bed. "This is for you." She dropped a present wrapped in the Sunday comics on my lap. I opened it carefully, sliding a box out. Inside was a folded knitted thing. I pulled it out, revealing a button-up sweater. "_Oma_ decided you needed a good sweater to keep you warm now that you're all skinny." Brittany's lips quirked in a half-smile as I laughed, though her eyes still avoided mine. It was a simple design, black with a pattern knit into it.

"Thanks Bee. Tell her I love it?" She nodded. We sat in silence for a moment and I watched my friend chew on her lip before finally speaking.

"I'm sorry for being all moody," she said, finally looking at me. I shrugged my shoulders.

"You were a walk in the park compared to Ana," I said with a small smirk. Brittany laughed and leaned in to hug me gently.

"That doesn't mean it was okay." She pulled back and studied me seriously for a moment. "I don't think I can call you Lucy though...you don't look like a Lucy anymore." I nodded.

"I know," I sighed. "I was thinking about that earlier." Brittany sat back and stared at the ceiling for a while.

"How 'bout calling you Quinn?" she said. "It's your middle name, so the school'll probably allow it." I considered for a second before grinning.

"That's a good idea," I replied, happy that she was finally talking to me. "Thanks, Bee."


	3. Within Your Court

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**So you guys know, the pairing is decided. Quintana is on in the later chapters, so next time I post a chapter, it'll be in the Quinn/Santana category. Sorry to disappoint the Quitt fans, but I prefer having Brittany and Quinn being more sibling-like in this.**

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :)**

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><p><strong>Within Your Court<strong>

**Chapter Three**

**October 2008 - Freshman Year**

Popularity was more complicated than I had ever imagined it to be. It was like a trippy war-game and I wasn't sure if I could always win. It felt like I was always under silent attack. I was next in line for head Cheerio (and I was only a freshman) after Carly Lutz graduated at the end of the year so it felt like everyone wanted to be close to me so they could get rid of me. If this was what presidents felt like, I totally understood why they always went grey within a couple of years in office. _I was going to do something simpler,_ I had decided. Like real estate. _Yeah..._

I was always expecting Santana or Brittany to get mad at me over my conniving to get them to join the Cheerios with me. We were three of the only four freshmen to make it onto the squad. But so far, I hadn't heard much complaint. Santana seemed to enjoy the popularity and had somewhat installed herself as my protector. It was weird, having her do it instead of Bee, but it was reassuring in a way.

Brittany was a different story. She had gone quieter than I could remember her ever being and when she did speak up, she sounded like she was on drugs. The most random things would come out of her mouth and I would wonder if maybe she actually _was_ high but then there'd be moments where she'd look at me and Ana with such a sad expression in her eyes. Once I realized she was just trying not to seem as depressed as she had been, I stopped worrying so much about her becoming a junkie. I just worried about her becoming more depressed than she already was.

There were rules to being a Cheerio. One, you had to be popular and hang out with said popular crowd. Two, you had to be fashionable and hot. Three, food wasn't your friend anymore. And, four, you needed someone to give shit to so you'd look _way_ better in comparison. They were Carly's rules and I had mastered three of them by the end of October. My problem was the last one. Lucy Caboosy wouldn't let me.

It was probably weird that I had named my conscience after my old self, but she was the innocent little girl who cried when someone squished a spider or ran over a squirrel in the street. She was terrified of doing something that had tormented her for years to someone else. And it was becoming a problem where the Cheerios (mainly Carly) were involved.

"Fabray!" Carly Lutz yelled as practice was over. I ran the back of my hand over my sweaty brow and jogged over to her. "You looked good today, Fabray." I nodded in thanks, a small smile on my lips. I knew that Carly operated a lot like Coach Sylvester. Something nice, then something soul-crushing.

"You're next in line for the captain job. You know that, right?" The tall brunette scrutinized me as she said this. I nodded, staying silent. It was a survival tactic I had learned after seeing her chew out one of the older squad members for 'interrupting her'. "Well, you need to start acting like it. You're too damn nice."

"Okay," I said, swallowing hard. "What do you want me to do?"

"Find a fellow frosh and give 'em hell. Practice your HBIC on them. Got it?"

"Got it," I nodded. Carly smirked and slung her Cheerios duffel over her shoulder. I smiled nervously as she sauntered away. When she was out of sight, I bolted for the locker room. A shower might calm Lucy Caboosy down a bit while I debated what I should do.

I stripped and stepped under the hot spray, closing my eyes with a sigh. The way I saw it, I could either comply and make myself sick with guilt while destroying what remained of Lucy or I could quit the Cheerios and become a reject. It was terrifying either way.

When the shower went cold, I flipped the lever and started drying myself off. I wrapped my towel around my body before making my way to where the lockers were.

"So," a voice drawled, startling me. Santana was sitting on the end of the bench, leaning against the tiled wall. "What did Lutz want?" I groaned and she crossed her arms, giving me the _look_. As I pulled my clean uniform out of my locker, I started explaining my dilemma.

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><p>"I have an idea," Santana said as we helped Mama make dinner the next night. I was staying with the Lopez family again because my dad had been completely wasted, shouting about immigrants taking the jobs of hardworking Americans when I had gotten home after school. I had a few new bruises, but it wasn't that bad. I had become a master of concealing them over the years, after all.<p>

"Yeah?" I asked as I carefully diced a tomato. I never understood why they always had me do things involving knives. I would always end up with bandaids all over my fingers by the time we sat down to eat. Brittany and Santana were far better, but it was always my job...

"Yeah. You pick someone who doesn't seem to give a shit about anything. That's your target because it won't wreck them too bad." I sighed and paused the knife. My stomach was lurching at even the thought of tormenting someone. I needed Bee to tell me what to do. Santana could be too ruthless sometimes.

"Bee is coming over for dinner, right?" I asked. Santana nodded and threw a handful of spice into the skillet. "It's not like I don't appreciate your idea, Ana. I just want Bee's opinion too. We're like a unit or something."

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><p>"I wish you didn't feel cornered," Brittany said as we lounged around in the room that had become mine whenever the older Lopez siblings were at college. The lanky blonde was lying upside down in the armchair, her hair draped over the carpet below. Her eyes were closed, a giveaway that she was lost in thought. I glanced to Santana and noticed a look on her face that I hadn't seen before as she looked at Bee.<p>

It was sad, but a kind of sad I hadn't seen on her before.

"Well, I vote she does it," Santana said determinedly, defiantly. Our best friend sighed and opened her eyes, revealing a hazy blue.

"I don't know, San. It sounds like a bad deal." I leaned back against the bed, stretching my legs out as I watched the two of them. Bee had a similar look on her face, though being sad wasn't new for her. She had been on antidepressants for a while now, though they didn't seem to be helping much. She just seemed quieter, more tired. And I had no idea what to do.

"Fine. Whatever Bee," Santana grumbled after a while and left the room. I knew the only reason she hadn't slammed the door was because Mama had been feeling pretty shitty lately and was trying to sleep.

"What's going on between the two of you?" I asked suddenly, realizing that there might be more behind Santana's moodiness. Brittany rolled off the chair, landing with a thud. She crossed her legs and tilted her head at me. A small smile crossed her lips for a moment and I knew I wouldn't get an answer.

"Don't worry about it." I frowned and opened my mouth to protest but she cut me off with something very Santana-esque. "It's okay, _zoetje._Mommy and Daddy still love you very much. Just because we're arguing doesn't mean we stopped." I rolled my eyes and she scooted over to sit next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. She was my older sister, my protector. My knight in shining armor.

"We've had a minor disagreement is all. She'll get over it." I groaned and leaned into my best friend. "So, do you even_ like _Santana's plan? I mean, it's essentially doing what those boys did to you for years to someone else..."

"I don't know," I mumbled. "I can't do it by myself though." I felt Bee stiffen under me before she started running her hand through my hair. I should be upset with her. After all, if she pissed Santana off, _I_ was the one who would have to put up with her mood swings.

"If I said I'd help, would you do it then?" I closed my eyes and considered before nodding slightly. Bee sighed and her hand paused in my hair. Her unease with the situation was palpable. "I'll help you then."

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><p>Santana picked out our target: a tiny brunette girl named Rachel Berry. Truthfully, she wasn't much smaller than Santana, but she dressed like dirty-librarian-meets-a-five-year-old. Her skirts were beyond short but her sweaters were so childish. It was mind-boggling. The darker of my two knights had come up with a list of insults we could use and made me memorize them. I was terrified every time that we tormented her, knowing that someone could see through my bluff. See that I was really an insecure, chubby little girl at heart. That I wasn't worth taking seriously about anything because I was turning my back on my childhood.<p>

The first time the guilt truly overwhelmed me was after we implemented the idea of getting the football team to throw slushies at her in November. The look of utter shock and heartbreak on the small girl's face crushed me. Once my last class was over, I went as fast as I could to the church that we had grown up in.

I knelt, my knuckles white as I pressed my hands together to fight off the tears that I was sure would escape. It was either tears or vomit. I wasn't sure if I could fight off my disgust at myself any longer. I was becoming someone I didn't know, someone I didn't like. I was starting to hate myself.


	4. Farewell to a Hero

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :)**

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><p><strong>Farewell to a Hero<strong>

**Chapter Four**

**Late November 2008 - Freshman Year**

"Wait, she's _what?"_ I asked, voice going up a pitch in shock. Ms. Pillsbury, the guidance counselor had called both Bee and I into her office during first period. I hadn't even had a chance to notice that Santana was missing yet and now _this_.

"Maria Lopez was admitted to the hospital early this morning due to complications with her illness. Santana and her younger brother are there right now. Her brother, Mr. Reyes called and asked me to tell you. I've taken the liberty to call your parents and get their permission to let him take you to Lima Memorial if you want." I sat back in the uncomfortable chair, feeling myself go numb.

_Complications?_ _What was that even supposed to mean? Like the _dying _type of complications_? I felt my stomach drop at the thought. Maria was practically my mother and she was _dying._ Holy crap. She had seemed like she was getting better a few weeks ago, like she was putting on some weight. Less skeleton, more Mama..._guess not..._

"When can we go?" Bee asked, taking charge. She grabbed my hand and entwined our fingers, squeezing. I spaced out of the conversation, completely focused on my horror at the thought of no longer having Mama.

A few minutes later, we were waiting in front of the building for Mama's younger brother Julio to pick us up. Brittany held me close, rubbing my back as I fought against my urge to cry.

"She can still get better, right? I mean, doctors can do _something_, can't they?" I felt the tall blonde sigh and her arms tighten around me.

"I don't know, Luce," she sighed. She pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "I really don't know."

* * *

><p>It was strange to see Mama confined to one spot. She was usually all over the place. Stranger yet to see her with wires coming out of her arms and sleeping. Julio let us walk into the room in front of him. Bee made a line for Santana and I moved to sit next to Junior. He looked so tiny, yet so <em>old<em> in the giant armchair that they had moved next to the hospital bed. It was hard to believe he was only eight.

"Hey little man," I said quietly, pulling him into my lap. He cuddled into my front, hiding his curly head under my chin. I realized then how terrifying that this must be to him. Mama had been sick for a long time, but she was the only adult other than his grandmother and uncle that he had in his life on a regular basis. His father had been deployed when he was born and for most of his life. She was his only parent in a way and now he was losing her. The thought brought tears to my eyes.

* * *

><p>"What's it like?" Santana asked later that night as we lounged around in her room. Julio had insisted that we stay at the Lopez house that night instead of the hospital and had brought us back. We made sandwiches before disappearing upstairs, leaving Junior sleeping on the couch.<p>

"What's what like?" I asked, looking up at Santana. A dark look was on her face, the look I had learned she got when she was trying to start something to avoid her own issues. She was staring straight at Brittany.

"What's it like when your parent dies?" Santana said more than asked. I looked up at Bee, watching her swallow hard. _Fuck._ I had totally forgotten in the emotions of today that Bee had done this before, that it would probably bring up everything she was trying to work on in her therapy sessions.

"I, uh..." Bee ran a hand through her hair and hunched her shoulders slightly like she was preparing for the worst. I guess in a way it was. "I was eight, Ana, and it was sudden. I don't think it'll help you much." She received a toned down version of the_ look_ in response and sighed. "Papa was killed in an accident at his job when I was eight. Mama decided a few months after that we were moving to America and she was taking a job that her bank had offered her. So she packed Marike and I up and we moved to Cleveland. I still wasn't entirely sure what was going on. I went from having my favourite person in the world to play with every night to having just my mother, sister and grandparents. And then it was just the three of us and I was learning English and I hated it. I couldn't go to the _Keukenhof_ and see the tulips and ducks in the spring, and cars were suddenly terrifying.

"My mother remarried last spring and is having a baby with my stepfather next summer. I'm still dealing with all of it, Santana, so I'm not sure what you want me to say," Brittany said, eyes closed tightly. I shifted and wrapped my arms around her, feeling how she shook slightly. Another pair enveloped both of us and I smiled sadly at Santana, my chin trembling. Her face crumpled and she started sobbing into Bee's neck. It was all I could do to not join in when Bee shattered.

As I fought back my tears and strengthened my hold on my best friends, I realized that we had all lost something important. Santana lost her mother, Bee lost her confidant and I lost the closest thing I had to a _functioning_ mother. I wasn't entirely sure what this would mean for us and I was terrified to even think about it.

Eventually Santana calmed down and I realized that she had fallen asleep against Bee's shoulder. Brittany gently moved to place her in her own bed, tucking her into the blankets. I kissed Ana's forehead before wrapping Bee in another hug. I could feel her frame shudder and shake as she fought off another wave of tears.

We made our way to Diego and Alejandra's old room, collapsing onto Aly's bed. I rolled onto my side and wrapped my arms around Bee. "I've got you," I mumbled and she pulled me more on top of her, holding me to her chest. "I've got you." I could feel her breathing calm as her hands drew circles on my back.

"Thanks, Q," Brittany whispered, kissing my cheek. I blushed, not sure what to think of the action. "We should get some sleep so we can be ready for tomorrow." I nodded and rolled off of her, moving to the bag I always kept here. I changed quickly into pajamas and tossed an extra pair at Bee.

She crawled into the same bed as me, pulling me into her arms. I tucked my head under her chin and held onto her shirt, relaxing for the first time since the hospital.

"Everything's going to be different," I whispered, slightly scared for what would happen.

"Yeah," Bee replied with a sigh. "Everything _will_ be different."

* * *

><p>It was a few days later when we got the news. I was sitting in my third period class, doodling aimlessly. It was hard to pay attention when your mind was with your almost-mother in a hospital room. I heard my name get called and looked up, seeing Ms. Pillsbury standing next to Mr. Todd. The redheaded woman looked sad and I <em>knew.<em>

I followed her out of the classroom, my stomach suddenly turned to ice. I didn't hear her words, not really. My ears were full of buzzing and it was all I could do to not burst into tears. Mama Lopez was dead.

The guidance counselor sent me to her office to wait while she got Bee from her history class. I walked slowly, not caring how long it took to get there. I was in shock, I realized. I knew Mama was going to die, I just wasn't ready for it to _actually_ happen. I wanted to go find Santana at the hospital and hug her for forever. I wanted to cling to Bee and cry. I wanted to go to church and pray. But most of all, I just wanted Mama to come back.

It wasn't fair. I wanted to do something, but I didn't know what. Why couldn't God just have taken Judy Fabray? She wasn't a real mother, she wasn't hardly even a real _person_. It would've been a better choice. Why did the best woman in the world have to _die?_

I sat down heavily in one of the plastic chairs outside the guidance office, wrapping my arms around my middle in a tight self-hug. Life was changing too fast and I felt old suddenly. Was this what it was like to grow up? I felt my stomach drop at that realization.

My hero was dead, I was growing up and my childhood was over.


	5. The Fallen Banner

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :) Also, just an FYI - the Quintana is developing. The story is mostly cannon up until current season.**

* * *

><p><strong>The Fallen Banner<strong>

**Chapter Five**

****December 2008 to January 2009 - **Freshman Year**

_Lucy,_

_You are my daughter, you know this right? You and Brittany both are my very pale babies and I love you with all my heart. You keep my Ana from getting into too much trouble and you make me smile when you ask me to teach you to cook or speak Spanish. You're getting good, Lucy._

_One of these days you'll find someone (if you haven't already_ _– I fell in love with Eddie at thirteen after all) who loves you and makes you even more beautiful than you are now. You remind me of my first daughter, Catalina. Strong willed, like Santana, but more ready to observe the world around her with an open heart._

_Oh Lucy, what am I to do with you? You are the baby out of my three. Elsbeth and I used to joke that the three of you were our _Unholy Trinity_. Always into mischief, though you were the most innocent. I have spoken with Brittany's mother and she says you can stay with her when you need to, though you may be kept up by a baby come June. I'm sure she will be pretty like her sisters, hmm? I think she will be a girl, but Elsbeth says she will be a boy. I think the Dutch woman is loco, but that is not here or there._

_I want you to take care of yourself, mija. Take care of yourself, Ana and your Bee. They will need you and take care of you also. I love you very much. Remember that._

_Your Mama,_

_Maria Carina Lopez-Reyes_

I laid on the spare bed at the Pierce's house, holding the letter to my chest. Hot tears streamed down my face and into my hair as I realized that this was what Mama wanted to leave me with. She loved me like a daughter, considered me to be like her oldest – a girl I barely remembered seeing in pictures.

A soft knock on the door made me sit up and wipe my cheeks roughly. "Come in," I said, voice cracking. Bee stepped into the room, closing the door behind her gently. She was in the black dress she had gotten for the funeral and her freckles stood out against her pale face, devoid of makeup.

"Hey," she said, voice rough. "You ready to go?" I nodded and stood, folding the letter and putting it in the nightstand before taking her hand to go out to the car. Before she had told us that she was terrified of cars, I had never consciously noticed how she would always hold someone's hand when getting a ride. Now I knew and I promised myself that she'd always have mine if she needed it.

St. Mary's was full of people quietly greeting each other before the service was to start. Bee and I were motioned to where the four Lopez kids were sitting with their uncle. Santana was wearing a simple black skirt and blouse and Junior was wearing a clip-on tie and pressed slacks. He kicked his shiny shoes in the air, a worn look on his chubby little face. I glanced at Bee and she nodded, picking him up and switching spots with him so he'd be between us and she'd be next to Santana.

"Hey June," I said quietly. He looked at me, his eyes bloodshot. I wrapped my arm around him and kissed the top of his head, trying to give him some comfort. He grabbed the front of my dress and buried his face into my side. I hummed a lullaby my sister used to sing to me in hopes that it would sooth him somewhat so he could survive the service. We still had the wake and burial to go to, after all, and it would take most of the day.

"Mama isn't gonna come back like Jesus did, right?" his small voice asked after a moment. My heart broke again and I held him closer to me.

"No, baby. Mama can't come back like Jesus did," I said, fighting back another round of tears. He sighed dejectedly as the processional started.

* * *

><p>It was a day or so after we got back from Winter Break and I was walking down the hall with a boy from the football team. He was incredibly dimwitted, even for a fourteen year old boy, and I had a hard time not rolling my eyes every time he opened his mouth. I was trying to follow orders from Carly, but I couldn't bring myself to date this idiot.<p>

"So, I was wondering," he started, hands in his pockets. "Do you wanna, like–" He was cut off by the sudden, loud chanting of _FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!_ I made my way into the crowd ahead of us, curious as to why the crowd was bigger than usual. Fights always made me cringe, but I was required to act as impassive as possible. Cringing at fights was a weakness and Carly would have my hide if I showed one of those.

When I made my way to the front, I noticed Bee in her Cheerios outfit, looking terrified. My eyes moved and I realized why. Santana was in the middle of the ring formed by the students, punching the face of a dark-haired boy. His face was bloodied and her knees were in the crook of where his shoulders and arms connected, pinning him. I surged forward and pulled her off the prone boy.

"Fuck you, Puckerman," she hissed.

I looked around at the crowd and glared at them all. "Get lost!" I said, trying to be as threatening as I could. It worked mostly, the circle dispersing to their classes. I looked back at the angry girl in my arms. "What happened?"

She pushed away from me, eyes wide. "Fuckerman was being a dick is all." She backed away a few more feet before heading down the hall quickly. I frowned, confused. It wasn't like Santana to fight with someone without reason. It also wasn't like her to look like a deer caught in the headlights afterwards.

I looked down at the boy, Puckerman, as he slowly pushed himself up from the floor. He turned to me, wiping the blood from his chin. How the hell a teacher didn't notice this was beyond me, though I was grateful for Santana's sake.

"Sorry I pissed your friend off," he said, smiling slightly. "She looked like she needed someone to punch, so I figured why not let a hot chick wail on me for a bit. Right?"

"Good luck with that story," I chuckled. "You got your ass kicked. Now run off with your tail between your legs like a good boy, 'kay?" He smirked and moved to stand closer to me.

"Baby, she might be your _bestie_ or whatever the hell girls are calling it now, but you don't know anything that's going on. Trust me." He sauntered off, disappearing into the guys' restroom and I stood where I was. That was the first time in ages a boy had the balls (Ana's words, not mine) to talk back to me and I was mildly impressed. If he was friends with Santana, it was good he didn't put up with anyone's crap.

The only issue was the slight jealousy I felt growing in the pit of my stomach. Santana had been pulling away from me and this... _Gah!_ Never mind. That train of thought wasn't worth it. I'd just have to talk to her later.

* * *

><p>I sat down on Santana's bed, watching her as she sat on her window seat and smoked a cigar. The smoke swirled up from her nose as she exhaled, framing her face in the dimming light from the sunset. I didn't know she had started smoking. That was news to me. But, then again, so was the fact she was friends with the only freshman starter on the football team. <em>And<em> he was the best friend of the oaf who was trying to get me to go out with him.

"So," I started. "When did you start hanging out with Noah Puckerman?" Santana looked to me, head tilted as a small frown crossed her face.

"We're not friends," she said. "We just have an understanding. If he's telling people we're friends or whatever, I'll kick his ass. _Again_." I chuckled and crossed my legs under me.

"He seems like a jerk," I offered, earning a bit of hollow laughter from my best friend.

"Nah," she said, snubbing what was left of her cigar out. "He's just trying to be a badass and failing. He hasn't earned his BAMF stripes yet." I grinned. "Don't worry, Q. You an' Bee are still my peeps. One dumbass boy isn't gonna change that."


	6. A Horrible Terrible Deed

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :) Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>A Horrible Terrible Deed<strong>

**Chapter Six**

**April 2009 - ****Freshman Year**

It was moments like this that I loved. The April sun was warm on my face as I laid out on an old quilt out back in the Pierce's yard. Santana was on one side of me, flipping through a magazine for tattoo enthusiasts, and Bee was on my other. I tilted my head to the side to see what she was doing. There was a thick book in front of her and I could see a small illustration in it. Her sister's physics text from her freshman year of college.

Blue eyes suddenly focused on mine and I smiled before turning my head to face the sun again with closed eyes. The fact that Brittany was reading again was of some relief to me. When she was in another depressed swing, she wouldn't do much of anything but drift through classes and sleep. I had no idea how to get her out of the funk she had fallen into since January, so I had held back and hoped that she'd do it herself. I had asked Ana's opinion but she just gave me the _look_ before going off and picking a fight with that Puckerman kid again.

I had known when Mama Lopez died that everything would change, but I didn't figure it would get this weird. We had been a family, but now we were drifting and I was left without anyone. Bee still had her family and Ana had her siblings and uncle. I was left with nothing but a sauced mother and an abusive father. Which, I guess, in simpler terms was the same thing as _nothing_.

I sat up after a while, looking at Ana. Her shirt had ridden up, revealing her new tattoo in memory of Mama. The black cross was still pink around the edges and I remembered the night she had gotten it. Julio had taken her to his friend's shop and let me tag along and he had laughed as she swore in Spanish. I cringed at the sight and sounds of the tattoo gun buzzing mixing in with her soft curses.

"Whatcha want, Q?" Ana asked, looking up from her magazine. I blushed, caught, and shook my head. She smirked slightly before moving to get up. "Well, if you don't want anything, I'm gonna head over to Puck's." I heard Bee shift behind me and knew her eyes were looking at us. Ana stood and kissed the top of my head before walking away, waving behind her as she left the yard.

Bee sighed and I turned back to her. "Seriously, Bee. What's going on with you two?" I asked, finally giving into my curiosity. I felt like I was owed an explanation. My two best friends had been acting strangely since before Mama died and I was tired of not knowing.

Another sigh and blue eyes went back to the physics book. "You don't wanna know, _zoetje_." I groaned softly before pulling the book away from her. She glared up at me. "Trust me. You really don't wanna know."

"Tell me," I growled, _"now."_ Bee rolled her eyes and laid her head down on her forearms, watching me closely for a second. It looked like she was fighting with herself over how much to tell me, how much she could get away with not telling me. "Tell me everything."

"Fine." She closed her eyes. "You know how I like guys and girls, right?"

"Yep," I said, trying to fight the blush on my cheeks. It was always awkward to listen to someone who was essentially my sister talk about who she would like to...wanted to...well, wanted to _kiss_, amongst other things.

"Ana and I sort of..." she trailed, her voice sounding strained. "So, yeah. Things are weird now. End of story." I frowned, not sure what she was talking about. She opened her eyes and I could see tears starting to form before she looked away quickly.

"You kissed?"

Brittany choked a half-laugh, half-sob. "We did more than kiss, _zoetje_." _More than kiss...?_

Oh.

_Oh._

"You mean you guys like...?" I trailed, not sure if I should say the actual words. If I could. Bee was my sister and hearing her admit to this was uncomfortable enough. I didn't want to know everything suddenly. I would get mental images that I wasn't sure I knew how to deal with. I was fine with Bee liking whoever she happened to like this week, but when it was Santana...

"We started...making out back in October," Brittany sighed, bringing me out of my thoughts. I gaped at her. She ignored my reaction and continued speaking. "And as of a few nights ago, I'm no longer a virgin. Neither is Annie."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. Santana had always seemed straight, but now she slept with Bee? The girl we grew up with and loved? I figured she had a crush on Puckerman, so this threw things_way _off in my head. Was Santana gay now? This was so..._confusing_...

Maybe that was why she was so moody with Bee. She was confused. _I would be, _I mused. Sister Maggie had always said that sex was for marriage and that gays went to hell back when we were in CCD. Personally, I was pretty sure the last part was wrong. But what did Santana think? Did she think like Sister Maggie and the Church? Had she never said anything because she didn't want to hurt Bee's feelings?

But they wouldn't have been making out otherwise. You only get one practice round on a girl friend before it's gay, after all. At least, that's what Frankie's friends used to say. And Bee implied that they had made out a lot more than just once.

I looked over to my sort-of sister and realized that she was starting to cry quietly. I laid down next to her and pulled her into my side, rubbing a hand up and down her back. I wasn't sure what to say to her. What _did_ you say to someone who had possibly screwed up one of their best friendships by sleeping with said best friend?

_Nothing,_ I decided as her hot tears fell onto my neck. _You just hold them and stick by their side._ Just like she did for me every time I broke down after torturing the tiny Berry girl.


	7. A Squire Astray

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :) Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>A Squire Astray<strong>

**Chapter Seven**

**May 2009 - Freshman Year**

I was wandering down the hall of McKinley, eyes widening as I came upon something I had never thought I'd see. Santana had Brittany pinned against a locker, biting at her neck. They were both naked and sweaty, Santana's tattoo dark and demanding my attention. I flushed, not sure what to do. My feet were frozen to the floor and my eyes felt like they were being forced open. I realized that one of Santana's hands was hidden as Bee moaned and I fought to turn my head in embarrassment, give them some sort of privacy. My muscles ignored my pleas to leave and I still stood, watching them as Bee's hips started jerking awkwardly.

This was worse than the one time Santana decided we should watch porn so we could "educate" ourselves. It was all I could do then to not run away or pour bleach on my eyes. She had apologized later, saying that it was Diego's movie and she didn't realize that it would be lesbians going at it. It wasn't that I was offended or disgusted. I was shocked, terrified. I couldn't understand in the five or so minutes we watched why people would tape something like that for others to watch; why the women's eyes looked so bored even if they were moaning and acting like they enjoyed it.

A ringing sound started and I felt my neck muscles finally let me turn my head as Brittany started moaning and calling Ana's name. The ringing continued and I could move my feet. I closed my eyes as I hurried away, grateful to be free of the sight of my two best friends having sex.

When I opened them, I blinked quickly at the bright light that was blinding me. I realized then that it was a dream and sat up, rubbing at my face in frustration at my subconscious. My phone rang again and I reached for it, flipping it open.

"Hello?"

"Lucy?" A thickly accented voice questioned. My eyes opened wide. Elsbeth Pierce, Brittany's mom. I glanced at my alarm clock, noticing that it was barely nine in the morning. On a _Saturday._Specifically, the Saturday following the last day of school. It was blasphemous to teenagerdom everywhere.

"Hi Ella," I said, wondering why she was calling me. She usually didn't call anyone unless it was an emergency.

"Oh Lucy," she sighed. "Thank God." I straightened at the sound of relief in her voice. What was going on? Did something happen? Was the baby coming early? She had a few weeks to go – the baby wasn't due until June 25th. I hurriedly slipped out of bed and found some clothes to throw on so I could help if there was something she needed me to do.

"What's wrong? Is the baby okay?"

"Oh, he's fine," the woman said tiredly as I was putting a bra on one-handedly. "It's Katrien that I'm calling you about."

"What's wrong with Bee?" I asked, grabbing an old TCU shirt and pulling it over my head. I grabbed my shorts, pulling them on before putting on deodorant and heading downstairs for my sneakers. I pulled my hair up into a sloppy ponytail.

"Jacob is coming to pick you up in five minutes," she said after a long moment. "I'll explain when you get here." She hung up and I was left staring at the cellphone in my hands. I slipped it into the pocket of my bermuda shorts and debated leaving a note for my parents. I wasn't even sure if they had come home the night before, so I decided against it. Even if they were home, they'd be too hungover to care. It wasn't like I was at their house that often anyways.

I pulled my sneakers on and tied them quickly before grabbing my wallet and keys, stepping out onto the porch. I sat down and watched as cars drove by and the neighbor kids played tag happily in their yards. I tried to distract myself by remembering when Ana, Bee and I would do the same, but my mind kept going back to the abrupt ending to the phone call.

_What the hell was going on?_

I was relieved when I saw Jacob Pierce's truck pull into my driveway. I hurried over and got in the passenger seat, buckling in. He pulled back into the street and I noticed his knuckles were white on the wheel. His jaw was clenched and his brow was furrowed, driving my anxiety up a hundredfold.

"What's going on, Jacob?" I had known this man for five or so years now and I had never witnessed him this stressed. He was a loud, happy guy normally. That's what Bee said her mom fell in love with.

He sighed and pulled onto the highway, headed north. "Britt's in the hospital. Ella's with her." I gasped. Was there an accident at motocross? Was she okay? Oh god, this was insane. Why was everyone going to the hospital lately?

"What happened?" My voice cracked nervously as I spoke. "Is she okay?"

"She's..." He trailed off as we pulled off into the hospital's parking lot. "Just let Ella tell you, okay? I dunno what to say." I stared at him as we parked in the visitor section and scrambled out of the car. He led me inside, walking to the elevator. A button was pushed, but I didn't pay any attention.

I was terrified for Bee and at the lack of information.

My hands were shaking and my insides were numb as the elevator doors opened. I followed Jacob out and he paused, placing his hand on my shoulder. His green eyes looked at me seriously, his lips in a thin line.

"When you're here, you're my daughter Lucy Pierce if anyone asks. Got it?" I frowned, not understanding why he was changing my name just to visit Brittany. It made absolutely no sense. We never had to do that for Mama Lopez... "Quinn, I'm serious. The psychiatric ward only allows for family to visit and you've been Britt's sister since elementary school. She's been begging for you."

_Psychiatric_ ward.

Oh _fuck._

I nodded dumbly and he released my shoulder. We moved to the desk and he spoke quietly to a nurse. She hit a button and we went into a door that locked itself behind us once we were in. The ward's walls were a sea foam green and it smelled like a strange mix of graham crackers and bleach. My nose itched, but I ignored it, following Jacob into a small room.

Brittany was on a bed, looking smaller than I ever remembered. Her eyes were rimmed red as she stared out the window, there were bandages on her wrists and an IV was sticking out of the back of her hand. I noticed another tube sticking in the crook of her arm, though it wasn't clear. It was dark red and I swallowed hard. _What had Bee done?_

"Hey Britt," Jacob said. "I brought Lucy." Brittany looked over, her head turning slowly. Her eyes met mine for half a second before she looked down at her lap. I heard Jacob sigh. "I'm going to go find your mother." He left and the silence was suddenly suffocating. I moved to the chair next to the bed and sat gingerly, not wanting to disturb my best friend.

"C-Can you hold my hand?" Bee asked, sounding like a scared little girl. I reached for the hand nearest me, running my thumb over the back of her knuckles. It was strange, seeing her scared. People at school always thought that Santana and I were the fearless ones, but they didn't realize that we were only that way because Bee was our rock. She was there when we broke down, always ready to make us toaster waffles with Nutella or hug us until we stopped shaking. She was my champion, my number one fan, my proud supporter. She was more of an older sister than Frankie had ever been, even if she was only seven months older than me.

"What happened, Bee?" I asked quietly. Her lip quivered and she finally looked at me with watery blue eyes. "Honey, what happened?"

"I screwed up," she whimpered. My face fell and I moved to sit on the edge of her bed, kissing her forehead. I glanced back at her wrists, suddenly understanding what the bandages were fore.

"You tried to...?" I trailed, not sure if I should say it. She nodded and started crying. I moved and hugged her gently, not wanting to displace the wires on her other arm. "Oh, _Bee_."

"I'm just so tired," she sobbed. "I'm s-so tired of having to force myself to do things. A-And now Santana's m-mad at me or something and I'm just s-s-so..." I held her to my chest, not knowing what to say. I made a mental note to beat my other best friend up when I left here. "I'm p-pathetic."

I pulled back from her at that and held her chin so she'd look at me. "You're _not_ pathetic. You're depressed. Your brain chemicals are all screwy and you've been fighting against them for so long to just function. That's not pathetic. That's pretty badass. So you screwed up. It's not that big a deal as long as you learn from it. You're alive and that's what matters most to me, Bee.

"You'll get through because you have me and your parents. Santana'll pull her head out of her ass eventually and see what a jerk she's being. And then you'll have her too. I promise you'll get through this."

She whimpered, her eyes still on mine. Her tears had finally calmed down. "But I don't want to take the stupid pills anymore. I just want to be normal!"

"Honey, normal's dumb. You're my big sister, my _hero_. That's better than normal any day of the week." I managed to get a wet chuckle out of her. I smiled and shifted so I was lying next to her, letting her lean her head on my shoulder. "So, wanna go see a movie when you get out of here? I'll let you pick."

"The one about the panda that does karate?" I nodded, kissing her temple.

"Yeah. We'll go see it the first day it comes out. And I'll get you gummy worms and popcorn."


	8. The Victorious Return

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :) Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>The Victorious Return<strong>

**Chapter Eight**

**June 2009 - between Freshman and Sophomore Years**

Mama Lopez was right, much to Ella Pierce's dismay. Baby Pierce was a girl, with a few wisps of white-blonde hair and those dull blue eyes that all babies have. Robin Maria Pierce was born a few weeks after Bee was released from the psychiatric ward on June 22. I had been staying with the Pierce family almost 24/7, sleeping in Bee's room because Marike was home from college and the guest room was now the nursery.

"Natalie Portman is hot," Bee said, flipping through a magazine as we sprawled out on a blanket at the park. I glanced over at her and laughed as she waggled her eyebrows at me. She had seemed better since she got out of the hospital. Not cured or whatever the technical term was for that sort of thing, but less melancholy. She said that the doctors put her on a different type of antidepressant and she wasn't feeling as crappy as she had on the other.

It was the best news I had had in ages.

I turned my face back to the sky, closing my eyes. _What does happy feel like?_ Bee had asked once when we were younger. The only thing I could come up with was what I was currently doing.

To me, happiness felt like going outside on a not-_too_-hot day and lying down in the grass, the sun warm on my face as I took a nap. In the summer, I would be wearing nothing but a tank top and shorts, sunscreen rubbed into every inch of my skin. I did it in the fall too, though I would wear a hoodie and jeans and take a big quilt to cocoon myself in until only my face peeked out.

I heard a shuffle and felt Bee lie her head against my stomach. I chuckled quietly, keeping my eyes closed as she took one of my hands in hers. The warmth of the sun on my skin was making me tired.

"G'night Q," I heard Bee mutter as she shifted slightly. Santana would always scoff at this before joining in. A_ siesta-fiesta, _she'd call it before flopping down with her head on Bee's stomach or my shoulder and promptly passing out. I felt my limbs grow heavier and Bee's warm breath where my tank top had rode up.

* * *

><p>I opened my eyes to see that the sun was a bit lower than it had been when I had decided it was time for my nap. I glanced down at a still-sleeping Brittany, now curled into my side with her fingers intwined in mine. I lifted our hands, looking to check on the raised, pinkish-red scar on her wrist. There was a matching one on her other arm and they made my stomach turn and my throat tighten every time I saw them. I was selfishly glad I hadn't been staying with the Pierces that night.<p>

I traced the smooth, raised tissue with a finger as I thought about what all was going on in our lives. I was turning fifteen the next day and Ella convinced Jacob to take me to the Lima County DMV so I could take the test and get my school permit. Cheer camp started after Independence Day and I wasn't sure if I was up for being HBIC anytime soon.

I felt Bee shift and smiled down at her when she opened her eyes. When she would first wake up, they were always a pretty, hazy blue and I couldn't wait to see if Robin's eyes were the same when they finally picked a color.

"Hey," I said quietly. She smiled back, closing her eyes and nuzzling into my shoulder. She mumbled something into my skin and I fought the urge to laugh at the ticklish sensation. "You have to actually talk, Bee."

"What time is it?" she groaned, her arm wrapped around my middle.

"No idea," I replied, "but we should probably head home soon." She huffed and rolled, sitting up. Her free hand rubbed at her face and I let go of the one in my grasp. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, checking the time.

"Yeah. We're late," she said, shrugging. She stood and held her hand out to help me up. I watched her fold up the blanket, realizing that I hadn't seen Santana since Bee was in the hospital. I felt a bit guilty over that still.

* * *

><p><em>I stormed into Santana's bedroom, not caring if I looked like a maniac. The Puckerman kid was on the bed with my best friend, jumping up when I slammed the door open. I glared at him and for once he didn't say anything. He just quickly left, leaving me alone with Santana. She gave me the <em>look_ and I shook my head._

_"Not going to work," I growled. She crossed her arms and leaned back against the headboard. "You need to grow the fuck up, Santana. I don't know what's going on with you and Bee, but you need to stop being such a bitch to her."_

_"I don't see how the hell any of this is your business, Q," she shot back._

_"No. You don't get to talk," I said, jabbing my finger into her chest. "Bee's in the fucking hospital, Ana. She tried to fucking kill herself last night and now she's in the _hospital._ I realize you aren't at fault for her actions, but she used to come to us about these kinds of things and now she doesn't. She doesn't fucking trust either of us like she did and _that's _your fault. I blame you for that. She needed us and you made her believe that she couldn't come to us because you're being a bitch._

_"So maybe you're gay. Nobody fucking cares. Grow the fuck up and get over yourself." I ignored the stunned look on Santana's face and left before I did something I'd regret. I already regretted coming here._

* * *

><p>"Happy early birthday!"<p>

I froze in the doorway to the living room, staring at everyone. The Pierces, Lopez siblings and Julio were standing there, blowing party horns and wearing stupid hats. I hid my blushing face in my hands, not sure what to do. A hand on my arm pulled me into the room and I was forced to look up. Junior was holding my hand and Santana was standing in front of me, a birthday cake in her hands.

"Blow the candles out, Lucy!" he squealed, bouncing happily. I smiled, and pulled him into my side before doing as directed. Six members of my family cheered and I flushed again.

"What'd you wish for?" Marike Pierce asked from behind me.

"I bet she wished for a hot boyfriend," Diego Lopez teased and my face went even redder. I started praying for an escape from this conversation.

"She can't tell you!" Bee protested. June nodded in agreement with her. "If she does, it won't come true."

"Duh," he added. "You're in college. How do you not know that?" Everybody laughed and I joined them. The only thing missing right now was Mama hitting Diego in the back of his head. I was ushered to the couch as Jacob cut the cake and they sang. Brittany sat down on one side of me and Santana on the other, both wrapping arms around me as I got the first piece of cake.

When presents were done and the living room was cleaned up, Santana grabbed both Bee and I by the arm and led us into the backyard. She gestured for us to sit down on the hammock and started pacing for a moment. I glanced at Bee, not sure if I should say something. Blue eyes were locked on the nervous wreck in front of us, so I stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry," Santana finally said, stopping in front of us. "I'm so sorry for being a shitty friend. I shouldn't have abandoned you guys." I was tempted to find a tape recorder just so I could save this moment for posterity. Santana Magdalena Lopez was apologizing and it was sincere. She looked up at Bee, eyes pleading. "I'm so sorry, Bee. I'm never abandoning you again, I promise. I'll always have your back even if you don't forgive me."

Brittany bit her lip and carefully got off the hammock, wrapping Santana in her arms. I crossed mine, not sure if I wanted to forgive Santana so easily. She hadn't earned it yet, hadn't proven that she would do what she'd promise. I had to be on Bee's side in case Ana abandoned her again.

My two best friends kissed and I fought to keep the frown off my face as my stomach roiled uneasily. _Santana shouldn't lead her on,_ I thought angrily. It wasn't fair to Bee. It was utter bullshit. When they broke apart, Ana looked to me with her best puppy-dog eyes. I fought against my instinct to give into them.

"Prove yourself and maybe then I'll forgive you," I muttered, looking away. She had hurt the best person in my life by turning cold after deflowering her. She had started screwing around with that Puckerman kid and stopped talking to me. She needed to prove it.

That wasn't taking into account the fact that my two best friends going off with each other made me feel strangely left out. I mean, I wasn't gay or anything (I was pretty sure of that, despite the strange sex dreams), but_ still_. They had a level of closeness that I didn't have with anyone and it bothered me. I wouldn't ever admit to that, though. They were my family and I loved them even if Santana drove me insane.


	9. The Knighting

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**FYI: The updates on this will be slower as I have a new job and classes are getting crazy. Sorry if that's disappointing. Hope you enjoy anyways and please review!**

**"[]" are conversations in Spanish.**

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><p><strong>The Knighting<strong>

**Chapter Nine**

**Early August 2009 - just before Sophomore Year**

There are days where I'm not sure about much of anything, even the easy things like what to have for breakfast. My entire day is made up of indecision and the only thing I have going for me is that I have a pretty good poker face. Cheer camp was definitely the worst place to have one of those days. Coach Sylvester breathed down my neck, critically analyzing every decision I made because I was the youngest captain she had ever appointed. I had Carly Lutz and Santana to thank for that.

When the three weeks were finally over, I was ready to fall to my knees and thank God for getting me the hell out of there. I wouldn't actually do that though because someone might notice that as a split second of weakness and try to take advantage of it. I had done too much, sacrificed who I once was, to lose the captaincy now. It was mine and I was keeping it.

"Pizza at my place?" Santana asked as we piled bags into the back of Julio's car. Bee grinned and nodded. I groaned inwardly. I had a date with Finn Hudson, the hopeless oaf from last year who was now the starting quarterback.

"I can't," I said. "Finn's taking me out." Ana frowned and Bee tilted her head at me. "The quarterback?"

"I thought you said he was a moron?" Bee asked.

"He is, but he's tolerable. I have to keep up appearances anyways." We got into the car, Santana in the passenger seat and me with Bee in the back. Julio happily asked how camp was and went on about how great his new job at the butcher shop was going. I stared out the window, watching as houses and cars sped by. I regretted agreeing to the date with Finn. He was nice enough, but I really wanted to have pizza with my friends.

* * *

><p>Going to the movies with Finn wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be (it still wasn't as fun as pizza with Bee and Ana would've been). We saw a horrible movie about robot cars from outer space. He didn't try anything on me (though that might've been because he was so engrossed in the explosions) and he bought me dinner from McDonalds. I kissed him on the cheek when the night was over and he got a strange look on his face that I chose to ignore.<p>

His mom dropped me off at Bee's and I made my way into the house. I unlocked the door with my key and slowly kicked my shoes off. I could hear Ella and Jacob talking about the news and Marike speaking in Dutch. She was using one of those sugar-sweet baby voices so I headed into the living room to join her and little Robin.

I sat down on the couch next to the oldest Pierce sister and gently ran my fingers over Robin's head. She was gurgling happily, her hand in her mouth. I smiled.

"How was your date?" Marike asked. I shrugged, not really sure how to say it sucked in a nice way. It was better than the last one Finn had taken me on, though, and I said as much. She chuckled. "Fifteen year old boys aren't that great at coming up with dates. Give him time."

I sighed and leaned back against the couch. "I don't know if I want to. He's really dumb, Mari." She laughed and shook her head before going back to making faces at her baby sister.

"Quinn's a picky one, isn't she?" she cooed and I rolled my eyes. "Yes she is!" My phone started going off and I dug it out of my purse. Santana's name flashed across the screen.

"Hello?"

"You need to get over here," Bee said, voice sounding nervous. I frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Eduardo's here." Mr. Lopez was home on leave. This should be exciting. I stood and headed for the backdoor, ready to jump the fence between the Pierce and Lopez houses.

"'Kay," I said. "Be a minute." I hung up and looked over to Ella and Jacob watching me questioningly. "Eduardo's here. Just giving you guys a heads up." I received nods and left, the grass cool beneath my bare feet. I hopped the chain link fence and landed lightly, striding quickly up to the door. It slid open and Bee pulled me inside.

"How long?" I asked.

"He didn't say. He just brought a bunch of papers for Julio to sign." I glanced questioningly up at her and she shrugged. "I have no idea what they're for." We headed to the door of the kitchen, watching Julio talk to his brother-in-law. Santana's father, Eduardo, looked older than I remembered. His regulation haircut was now sprinkled with grey and his eyes seemed more lined. There was a new scar on his cheek, under his eye. But the most distressing thing was that his eyes seemed lifeless.

Santana leaned against the counter, face guarded, watching as the two men argued in Spanish. I had never been more grateful for Mama teaching me her mother tongue before now.

"[I don't care what you say. They're your _kids_, Ed. They're your kids and you need to be here for them. Fuck the war and come home already.]" I bit my lip. I wish Julio wouldn't antagonize Mr. Lopez. I understood why he was frustrated, but still. He looked so tiny and frail compared to the muscled Army captain.

"[My men are dying, Julio. I don't have time to sit around here and do nothing like you. I'm not a fucking butcher or bookkeeper or whatever other pathetic minimum-wage job you have this week. I'm a_doctor_. Just sign the fucking papers so I can get back to Afghanistan.]" My eyes were on Santana, knowing that she was hurt and insulted. The problem was figuring out if she was going to say anything. I hoped she wouldn't. I didn't know if Eduardo would hit her. I didn't want to assume he was like my own father, but I hadn't seen him in a year and a half at least.

I noticed Julio sign the papers out of the corner of my eye. Santana's eyes seemed to turn a lighter brown and it was then that I knew she would be crying later. It wasn't a surprise, though. She always cried after seeing her father.

"Gracias," Eduardo said, grabbing them. He looked over at his daughter and I tensed. "[Behave yourself for once. Don't be such a fucking brat.]" Santana stood, frozen as her father walked away. It wasn't until the front door slammed behind him that she moved, flinching. I heard Julio sigh and I looked up at Bee. Her lips were in a frown and I grabbed onto her hand, pulling her into the kitchen with me.

Bee pulled Ana into a hug and I hung back, not sure what to do. When I heard the crying start, though, I instantly moved to join their hug. Her and Bee might've been my knights but at that moment, they needed me to be theirs.

_Why did fathers always suck?_


	10. Take My Shield and My Sword

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**I would like to know what you guys think of this story so far. Reviews would be helpful :) Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Take My Shield and My Sword<strong>

**Chapter Ten**

**Late August 2009 - Sophomore Year**

My body felt wrong, heavy as I stumbled through the tall grass in the abandoned field by the houses in Lima Heights Adjacent. I couldn't think straight, couldn't see straight and I felt like I was going to puke every time I nearly tripped over rocks. I managed to make it to Santana's front porch before my legs gave out. After slumping to the ground, I managed to slip my phone out of my pocket to text her.

My head swam and I closed my eyes, hoping that would make my nausea go away. Then the door opened behind me and I felt hands on my shoulders.

"Damn, Q. What'd you do?" I opened my eyes, feeling my head swim as I tried to focus on her face. My eyes watered up and I reached clumsily for her shirt, pulling her into me. I buried my nose in her neck trying to calm my stomach, my mind and my insane emotions. I had fucked up.

It wasn't that my body ached in places it hadn't ever before (at least, not to this extent) – no, it was the fact that I had _wanted_ to save it for someone I loved. But then I was having a fat day and he was so nice and understanding and said I was _pretty._

God, I was a shallow bitch. Such a fucking shallow bitch. How the fuck did I even have friends? Were they even my friends? Of course not. I was just a bitch – a _cunt_.

I shuddered internally at the word my mind threw at me.

"Lucy Quinn Fabray," Santana's voice growled and I pulled back. I fought to focus on her face, fought to ignore my inner rants that were more vicious now that I was drunk. "What the fuck happened to you?"

Her eyes were more intense than I had ever remembered them being before. They were black coffee and I wanted them to always look like that. Her face was so so smooth and I lifted a shaky hand to run against her cheek. Her brow furrowed and I realized she asked me a question.

"I f-fucked up," I said, starting to cry again for the millionth time since stumbling out of my bedroom at my parents'. "I fucked up s-so b-bad." I felt myself being pulled up, pulled along. I heard the door open, felt as Santana struggled up the stairs while dragging me with her.

"You've gotta be quiet, Luce. Please be quiet, honey." I buried my face into her neck again, muffling my sobs. We finally made it to the bathroom and she sat me down on the toilet. "You're covered in mud, so we're gonna shower you. M'kay?" Her voice was the sweet one she used when Bee was freaking out, when I was having a fat day.

Why the fuck didn't I just go to her? (I'm just a stupid _cunt._)

Santana pulled at my shirt and I cowered back against the toilet tank, not really sure if I wanted her to see me naked. See my wrongness, my fuck-upped-ness. The tears come harder. I planned to save it and I threw it away for nothing.

"Lucy," she started again. "What happened, baby? What happened?" Her slightly calloused hand caressed my face and I opened my eyes, taking in her worried expression. "Do I need to call the police?"

I shook my head. "N-No."

"Do you want me to call Bee?" My body started trembling, my sobs getting worse as I violently shook my head _no. _"I don't know what I should do for you, baby. I _don't_. I'm not the emotions one. Bee's better."

"I-I c-can't," I sobbed. "I c-can't let her s-see me like th-this." Santana wrapped her arms around me, holding me to her as I sobbed harder. Her hands soothed against my bare back, her voice humming quietly in my ear. It was moments like those when she was gentle and loving where I wished I could love her.

But I wasn't _gay._ I really wasn't.

I couldn't be. I liked Finn, didn't I?

Fuck it. I was too fucking drunk for that.

When my breathing calmed and my tears stopped running over, she pulled away and studied me. Her lips were pursed slightly, her eyebrows frowning.

"I s-slept with P-Puck." Her face didn't change much, but I knew she was upset. She was likely pissed at me for sleeping with her boyfriend. God, I was such a fucking slut. Maybe I should've just gotten fat again and went back to being Lucy Caboosy.

"I'm going to kill him," she muttered and her hand reached towards my face. I flinched, not sure if she was really mad or not. Her face fell when I did and she rubbed my forearm. "Honey, I'm not mad at you. You obviously had a reason and I know you. It had to be big for you to sleep with that asshat."

"I-I felt f-fat," I whimpered. "I-I'm t-turning b-back." She clicked her tongue and helped me stand. I swayed, not sure why the floor was moving so damn much. She unbuttoned my pants and helped me out of my underwear. They were bloody and I started crying again at the sight.

"Honey, look at me," she said. I looked at her, blinking through my tears as I sobbed. "I love you more than I'll ever love Puckerman. You matter more to me than he does because you're my Lucy. My_Mama's_ Lucy. Puckerman can fuck himself."

She helped me over to the tub and I sat down heavily on the edge. "Now, we're gonna get you clean. Okay? Then you're gonna come to bed with me and we'll figure out what's up in the morning." I looked up at her, convinced that she was secretly an angel hiding out as my knight in dented armor. _God, I loved her._

* * *

><p>The humming of the air conditioner woke me, made me want to puke as my head throbbed. I swallowed hard, fighting to keep my stomach contents in their place as I cracked an eye open. The light made my head feel like it was splitting open in that half-second, so I buried my face back into the soft, squishy pillow. I heard a groan and felt an arm wrap tightly around me.<p>

"Got a headache, Lucy?" Santana's sleep-roughened voice asked and I remembered. Oh _fuck._

And my face was in her chest, I realized.

"Yeah," I croaked, not wanting to talk too loudly in case it hurts. As it were, it felt like God was bitch-slapping my brain directly in punishment for my dumb decisions the night before. I felt the sudden urge to go to confession, even though I had stopped after the first month of implementing slushie facials. Going ever day after school was beyond excessive.

"I'm gonna get up and find you some water. Then you're gonna drag your sweet ass down to the kitchen and eat whatever I put in front of you and take some tylenol. Got it?" I nodded into her chest, not wanting her to let me go just yet. She shifted, rolling us slightly so I was on my side, and pried my arms from her. "I'll be back, Lucy. Just hug my pillow for a minute." I whimpered and dragged the pillow into my arms, burying my nose into it and just smelling Santana. I felt her press a kiss to my temple and my heart sped up.

After she came back and made me drink a tall glass of water (my mind flashed to the night before when I had continuously puked after almost every sip of water and I gagged slightly), she led me downstairs. I held my head in my hands as I sat at the worn table, trying not to flinch at every clang and bang from Santana rummaging around.

I was poked awake to find a bowl of mac 'n cheese in front of me and a fork lying next to my face. I sat up slowly, pinching at the bridge of my nose. There were three more tall glasses of water and two painkillers.

"The Breakfast of Hungover Champions," Santana's voice laughed from the kitchen. I groaned and reached for the pills and first glass of water. "Carbs in the noodles and protein in the cheese to fix what you've fucked, plus it's pretty easy to digest. Now dig in, Q. When you're done, we've gotta talk."

_Shit._

I ate slowly, trying to both keep from seeing my breakfast again and to delay the conversation I was dreading. I slept with her boyfriend and now that I was okay, she would probably be pissed. It didn't matter that I mattered more to her. He was her key to second-in-command, her trophy boyfriend.

Boyfriend. Dammit! _Finn._ What was I going to do about Finn?

"So," she started when I set my fork down and reached for another glass of water. "You felt fat and obviously got drunk and slept with Puck. Now the problem is what you're going to do now."

I shrugged, not really sure what I _should_ do. "Well, here's the thing. I'm not actually dating him. I'm in a sort of friends-with-benefits thing with him. He makes me look good, I make him look good. Sometimes we fuck. So you sleeping with him doesn't really bother me on that sort of a level. It bothers me because you could've just come over here and watched movies or something.

"I'm kind of hurt that you picked his idiotic self over me, but that's beyond it now. You did and it's over. Now we've gotta figure out a game plan." Her eyes are at that same strange intensity they were last night and it makes me drop my gaze. I'm feeling better, but at the same time, my stomach is churning a bit. I hope to God I don't puke again like I did last night.

I study the grooves in the wood, the splotches of paint and pen ink as I debate what my options are. There's only one thing floating around in my head and I decide that that's my choice. It's my _only_choice.

"I don't want anyone to know," I finally mutter, fingers playing with the lip of the glass. I looked up cautiously when Santana didn't respond. Her eyes were closed, but when she opened them, I felt my stomach churn harder. Like butterflies that had grown into dragons flying around on crack.

"Okay. We don't tell anyone and I'll make sure Puck doesn't either," she said, nodding and taking my hand. "I've got you, Q. I'll always have your back."

"Thanks," I muttered. Her face was sympathetic, kind, and it made me miss Mama with all my heart. Even though we had made some dumb decisions, I was sure she'd be proud of her Ana for being my knight and taking care of me. She had always done that and I hoped she would continue doing it.

_God, I loved her._


	11. Apparent Defeat

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**A/N: This story will be canon up until the end of "On My Way." Then we will veer off into the abyss of my imagination. Hold on tightly and keep all arms and legs inside the ride at all times!**

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><p><strong>Apparent Defeat<strong>

**Chapter Eleven**

**September 2009 - Sophomore Year**

The pale blue walls of my bathroom at my parents' were normally a nice-looking color, but today they were nothing but torturous. All I could think of was how I should've had my period a week ago. I fumbled a text to Santana and sat, staring at the wall and praying that I was wrong, that it was only stress and I'd suddenly start bleeding. I hated getting my period, but right now I'd do anything to have it.

A knock on the door caused me to stand and open it, letting Santana into the bathroom with me. She was wearing one of Diego's hoodies and it was pretty obvious she had stuff hidden in the pocket. She emptied it out, placing five different boxes on the counter and pulled her hoodie over her head. I blushed at the sight of her in a worn wife-beater and tore my eyes away to look at her face.

"Let's get this party started," she said, opening the first box and handing me the plastic stick. "You pee on all of these and I'll be sitting in the tub, praying that God has some sense of fucking mercy." I fought the urge to vomit from nerves and chuckled humorlessly. If God had mercy, I was hardly on his good list.

As I peed on the things, I could hear Santana praying lowly in Spanish and I said my own under my breath along with her. I wouldn't turn sixteen until next summer, so I was _way_ too young for the stereotypical teen pregnancy. God fucking hated me.

When I was done, I joined Santana in the bathtub. She held me to her, my back against her chest and we waited for the timer on her cellphone to go off. Her arms were around my middle, her chin on my shoulder as she hummed whatever Alanis Morissette song was her favorite this week.

"How did you get the tests without someone spreading the rumor that you're pregnant?" I suddenly asked. She chuckled and kissed my shoulder.

"Half this town expects me to be pregnant by the time I'm sixteen, Lucy Q. But I stole them. I don't need a pregnancy rumor getting back to Julio or June." I nodded, understanding. We sat in silence and I could feel my stomach churning, feel my heart racing. Santana did her best to keep me calm by rubbing her thumbs over my palms and humming.

The timer went off and I stood up quickly, wanting to get it over with and get back on with my life. Santana moved with me and we stood in front of the counter and looked.

Fuck.

All five were positive.

_Fuck._

God really did hate me...

* * *

><p>"What're you gonna do, Q?" Santana asked me. I didn't even know what I should say. How I should react. If I didn't know what to do about that, how could I even know what I wanted to <em>do?<em> I was fucking screwed, that was all I knew. I bit my lip, thinking of what I should do, what I _could_ do.

"Can you make me an appointment?" I mumbled finally. I could feel Ana study me, feel her trying to figure me out. She was my best friend, one of two people who _knew_ me. I hoped she'd figure out what I meant so I wouldn't have to say it.

"What kind, baby?" she finally asked, voice soft. I could feel her pity and I fought against my inclination to lash out. I didn't want pity. I just wanted help.

"Planned Parenthood," I said, hugging myself and trying not to break down. I had already broken a dozen or so of my parents' and my religion's expectations. What was another one? I couldn't be a mother at fifteen. That was just nuts.

"Okay," she said quietly. I could hear her pull out her phone and after a few moments, I could hear it distantly ring. I felt her sit next to me and wrap an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in tightly. "I should've got you the morning-after pill," she muttered while waiting for someone to pick up.

"Hi, yeah. I need to make an appointment..." I felt tears welling up in my eyes as she spoke calmly, confidently. I had never been more grateful for her than in that moment. She and Bee were always taking care of me, protecting me.

Oh God. Bee! What was I gonna tell Bee? Would she be disappointed? I didn't think I could stand to have her disappointed in me. She was my sister and the only one who I honestly trusted. If she was disappointed in me, I was pretty sure I wouldn't know what to do. She was always so proud of me.

Fuck.

"So," Santana said, pulling me from my internal freak-out. "You an' me are ditching after lunch tomorrow for a date in Dayton. I want you to wear something comfortable, like sweats and a t-shirt and I'll bring whatever else I can think of you needing." I nodded numbly, hugging her tightly. "It's gonna be okay, baby. It's gonna be okay.

"Come on," she said. "You need to lie down."

Twenty minutes later, I was laying down on Santana, my head under her chin as she read to me. Her voice always had the ability to calm my mind and make me focus on nothing else but her tone and inflections. I wasn't even sure what she was even reading from, but I sort of liked it. It was poetry, I think, but not any kind that I had ever read for class. It definitely wasn't Robert Frost or Shel Silverstein.

Her hand ran through my hair as she spoke, soothingly. I could feel her voice in her throat, her chest and it made me smile. I loved her voice, but I doubted I would ever tell her that. It wasn't something I could see anyone telling their best friend. Unless it was Brittany, but our Bee was special.

She was love embodied.

Santana and I were darker, sullied by the world. Sure, Bee struggled with depression, but I figured it was because she was such a dreamer, an idealist. She understood people, even the horrible ones, and it came back to bite her on the ass.

I felt my eyelids grow heavy as Santana continued reading. She might not've been as...well, as pure as Bee, but this was one of the moments where I felt Santana was my savior. She kept me from me and made everything okay.

I guessed even people as damaged as us could love sometimes, I thought as I snuggled in closer. I could feel Santana set the book aside before wrapping her arms around me.

"It's all gonna be okay, Lucy Q. It's all gonna be okay."

* * *

><p>Santana had to pull the car over three times during the hour and a half drive for me to get sick on the side of the road. I wasn't sure if it was from nerves or morning sickness, but either way it wasn't fun.<p>

The waiting room in the office was full of chairs and magazines and a TV played _Judge Judy_ in the background. I bit my lip as we waited behind a hunched over man in line. Santana held my hand, her thumb soothing over my knuckles and I just wanted her to wrap her arms around me and promise me that it was going to be okay again.

I just needed it to be okay.

I was going to get an abortion. From what I knew, they were going to shove a vacuum up me or something and suck it out. I cringed at the thought. I could feel the eyes of people in the waiting room looking at me, judging me. I was a fifteen year old girl and I felt that they somehow _knew._ They somehow knew that I was the president of the Celibacy Club and had cheated on my boyfriend. And now I was getting an _abortion._

_Oh god._

My breathing started to speed up, my chest tightening and I strengthened my hold on Ana's hand. Worried brown eyes met mine.

"Can we just go home?" I managed, trying not to go into a full-fledged people-induced claustrophobia freakout. She studied me for a minute and then nodded, turning and leading me out of the building. I could feel my body start to shake as we made our way to her car, tears starting to sting my eyes. If I couldn't even be in the waiting room of Planned Parenthood, how the hell was I going to get an abortion?

Santana opened the passenger door and had me sit before she knelt in front of me, her hands on my knees. "I need you to calm down, Q, okay? If you have a panic attack in the car while I'm driving, I'll be distracted and that's not a good idea." I nodded dumbly and tried my best to calm my breathing. "Breathe with me, baby."

She mimed slow breathing for me and I eventually managed to copy her. My body was still trembling and I knew I was going to wind up crying, but I was pretty sure I could hold it off long enough until we got home. I shifted so I was fully in the car and she went around to the driver's side, taking my hand in hers once we were on the road.

I managed to doze off, not waking until we were back at the Lopez house. Santana shook me awake and helped me up to her room. I laid down on the bed and she joined me, wrapping an arm around my middle and spooning me from behind.

"So, I take it an abortion is a no-go?" she finally asked.

"Yeah."

"Well," Santana started. "I dunno if you want to keep it or whatever, but I can get a job to help you out with money. Little fuckers are expensive." I chuckled lowly playing with the hand tracing my stomach.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with it," I finally said. "But if I do keep it, you an' Bee are godparents." Santana pressed a kiss to the back of my neck and nuzzled her nose into my skin. I felt warm and safe in her arms, I always did. But right now, it had the added bonus of making me forget that I was a pregnant fifteen year old. I could believe that everything would be all right if she held me.

As I started to fall asleep, I could hear my best friend mutter, "It's gonna be okay, Lucy Q." I felt my heart ache at that and I drifted away.


	12. Chivalry is Dead

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

**A/N: Kalexico looked over the first draft and part of the second, so any mistakes are my own for being an impatient person who needed to go into work. Let me know what you think!**

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><p><strong>Chivalry is Dead<strong>

**Chapter Twelve**

**December 2009 - Sophomore Year**

"So, I was thinking that when the baby gets here, we could do that water-dunking thing that religious people do? Because you're, like, all Jesus-y and stuff." I looked up at Finn, surprisingly touched by the offer even though it was worded horribly. I leaned up and kissed his cheek, running my hand over the front of his shirt.

"I'd like that," I said quietly. "I'd like that a lot." He grinned and walked away from me, leaving me to stand there with a small smile on my face. I knew that I would have to go talk to Father Finch about whether or not he'd be okay with the baby being baptized at St. Mary's. He had always been fond of me and had told me he was fine with me being in the church even though I was pregnant.

_Children make mistakes, Lucy,_ he had said. _If you abandoned every child who makes a mistake, there'd be none left._ I had smiled at him and he patted my hand before turning back to the papers on his desk.

I turned to head to my class to find Santana looking at me, her face troubled. _Oh shit. What did I do wrong now? _I raised an eyebrow, questioning her, and she just shook her head before walking away from me.

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><p>"Okay. So normally I don't care about your stupid Finnosaurus Rex, but<em> really<em> Q? The frackin' giant is pretty much exhausted." I looked up at Santana, confused. "Haven't you seen him? He's working at that stupid Trip-B knockoff store with Psycho Schuester and Puck says he isn't sleeping much. If he's that desperate for money for a kid that isn't his, _I'll_ get a job. Because it's just as much my kid as it is his. And by that, I mean that it's _not_."

I groaned and stood, planning on heading downstairs to join the other two members of the Lopez-Reyes household for dinner.

"Wait, hold up," Santana's hand grabbed my arm, stopping me. She pushed me back down onto one of the beds in Aly and Diego's room. Her eyes were the scary intense that they always were when she was pissed. "You need to fucking tell Finn. Jesus _Christ,_ Fabray. This is the worst thing I've ever known you to do and I...I can't fucking go along with it anymore. The boy is wearing himself down trying to support you and a kid he didn't even help make. If someone were to do that to June or Diego, I'd fucking cut a bitch." I bit my lip, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I knew it was wrong, but he was my _boyfriend_. I could picture him with our child, making silly voices as he read a bedtime story or singing some _Journey _song to him or her. I couldn't see Puck doing that. I really couldn't.

As tears started streaming down my cheeks, I cursed my pregnancy hormones. I knew Santana was still watching me, judging me. I fought to keep my breathing normal. I couldn't go into a panic attack because of my best friend. She was the one who always helped me deal with them.

"Quinn, you either tell him the truth or I will, got it?" I nodded dumbly, hoping she would just walk away and leave me alone. I had no clue how to tell Finn, how to break it to him that I had cheated and let him believe it was his. Let alone that the real father was his _best friend._

_I'm screwed,_ I realized when Santana left the room. _I'm so screwed._ I laid down, deciding to take a nap before heading back over to Finn's and trying to figure out how to break it to him. I knew that if I did, I was going to have to give the baby up. I couldn't raise him or her on my own. And I couldn't rely on the Lopez-Reyes family or the Pierces to help me out. Instead of one extra mouth, that would be two and all the other costs that babies came up with. I couldn't do that to my families.

_I was going to have to tell him._

* * *

><p>The bell rang and the hallways were mostly empty. My hands held my belly, stroking gently. I didn't know if the baby could feel it or if it even cared, but I wanted them to feel better than I did right then. I didn't feel much of anything and it bothered me.<p>

"I'm so sorry," a voice said, tremoring slightly. "I fully understand if you want to beat me up." I looked up to see Rachel Berry. I wasn't entirely sure what the emotions that filled me were, but I could pick specific ones out. "If you can, just try to avoid my nose." She closed her eyes, stiffening like she was bracing herself.

"I'm not mad at you," I said quietly. It was true. I wasn't _mad._ I was ashamed, disgusted, regretful. And _thankful._

"All you did was what I wasn't brave enough to do," I swallowed. "Tell the truth."

"I was selfish when I told him," she said, moving to sit next to me. I had heard about what she did for Finn and I with the panties. For a girl that I treated like shit, she stuck up for me a lot. Granted, it was inadvertently, but still. I wasn't even sure if Santana knew how much the Hobbit did for me. "I wanted to break you two up so he would want to be with me."

I knew, but beyond my remorse I didn't really care. "And now neither of us have him." I paused for a second, trying to fight back my tears. "I have hurt _so_ many people." I shook my head and I knew that I was going to lose the fight with my emotions. "Can you go now? I just really want to be alone." Rachel nodded warily and walked away. I bit the inside of my cheek, staring at the floor. I didn't feel panicky like I usually did when I was going to cry. I just felt lost.

I wiped at my eyes as Puck came up to me and I just wished people would leave me alone. I knew I fucked up. I _knew_. But that didn't make me a fucking sideshow attraction, did it?

"Hey," he said, sitting down next to me. I sniffled. "So, I know you're upset now, but I want to be with you. And I'm going to do everything I can to be a good dad to our baby."

_There's a huge difference between words and actions, Noah,_ I thought before I responded. "Thanks, but I honestly can't handle any more stress in my life right now." I was hurting him, but I didn't care. It was better to let him think I was a bitch than give him false hopes. "I'm going to do this on my own. I know that you don't understand it, but _pleas_e respect it." I stood and walked away, knowing that I wouldn't be able to take the look of heartbreak on his face any more.

As I walked out the doors, fully intending to ditch, I felt strong arms wrap around me. I started to freak out until I could smell the person holding me. _Bee._ I turned, wrapping my arms around her and hiding my face in the front of her letter jacket. I could feel the tears starting to slide down my cheeks and my chest started to heave.

"Oh Lucy," she sighed into my ear. I clung to her, not wanting to let go. I knew she was disappointed, but I didn't want to see that look in her eyes. I didn't want to be the cause of the way her lips would turn down or how her eyes would grow melancholy. She was my Bee, my best friend and sister. I needed her more than I needed anyone. Not even Santana was as high up as she was.

I wasn't sure where I was going to go after today. I knew I couldn't stay at Finn's, so I figured I'd have to suck up my pride and stay with Puck for now. But I was going to have to figure something out soon. I was going to give the baby up and Puck would fight with me to try and keep it. Try to be a family.

The baby deserved better than a sixteen year old playboy and a fifteen year old former cheerleader as parents. I knew that. I just hoped that one day, the baby would understand. I didn't want to give them up, but I _had_ to.

It wasn't just about me anymore. I realized that now.


	13. This Too Shall Pass

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over :)

**A/N: **To the Anon who left the essay-length review:

1. Longer isn't always better. I don't see the point of adding random crap in that has no place within the plot just so I can make a chapter longer. Some authors have chapters that are long and are amazing, while some are long and absolute shit. Some are short and horrid, some are short and wonderful. Length doesn't matter when it comes to writing unless your professor/teacher gives you a word or page count requirement. Which is something I never do because all the essays turn into crap just so they can meet the requirements.

And 2. What fanfic isn't slightly AU? I changed one major thing. Telling me not to use dialogue is pointless because if you ignore the fact I had the Unholy Trinity meet in primary school, this_could_ all be canon. You don't know if it is or isn't because their home lives aren't shown often. In fact, even the show itself doesn't keep track of what's canon. It's all hidden away in Quinn's locker.

If this makes me a jerk, so be it. I refuse to be told what to do by someone who left a review like that on Anon. If it came from my beta or someone who signed it, that'd be different. I could discuss this further with them rather than sitting and staring at my screen without a clue how to react.

**A/N 2: Sorry for the long response to the Anon above this. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter and keep reading despite the fact I don't write the longest chapters. Next chapter should be up soon!**

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><p><strong>This Too Shall Pass<strong>

**Chapter Thirteen**

**March 2010 - Sophomore Year**

I hadn't loved bacon as much as I did now that I was pregnant. It was my main craving (my only one, actually, if you didn't count the marshmallow, banana and ketchup sandwich) and the fact I couldn't make it at Puck's was driving me insane. I _needed _bacon. It was almost worse to have cravings than it was to have morning sickness, because when I couldn't get bacon I'd practically be able to taste it in my mouth and I'd fixate on it. And then I'd do desperate things. At least morning sickness went away as soon as you were done puking. The cravings never seemed to end.

That was how I wound up standing outside _Jack's Diner_ waiting for Julio and Junior. It was chilly out, but I didn't want to go in by myself. I always felt awkward if I did. I heard a car pull into the nearly-empty lot and I looked up, smiling at the sight of Julio's beaten-up Toyota. The engine wasn't even cut before the rear door flung open and Junior started barreling towards me.

"Lucy!" he cried, slowing when he got to me. His arms wrapped around my middle and he kissed my stomach. "Hi baby girl!" I chuckled uncomfortably and kissed the top of his curly head.

"Hey June," I said, messing his hair up before looking to find Julio standing a few feet away. We weren't very close, but I did have a soft spot for Mama's baby brother. He was only twenty-two and taking care of a teenager and an almost nine-year old. Most guys his age would still be partying or in school.

"Miss Fabray," he said, a small smirk on his lips. He was like an older, male version of Santana. She definitely took after her mother's side of the family.

"Mr. Reyes," I replied. June pulled away from me and grinned up at me. "Should we go in?" I was met with an enthusiastic nod and laughter. My little gentleman opened the door for me and over-dramatically bowed as I went in. I fought a giggle and he took my hand in his, leading me to a booth.

Julio sat across from us, smiling as his nephew started rambling about his classmates and his soccer team after we ordered. I asked him if Mrs. Finnegan was still a teacher at St. Mary's. His eyes widened and he nodded.

"She's scary! Ana says if I don't behave, I'm gonna have her next year!"

"She's not that bad," I replied, hugging him with one arm. "Your sister, Bee and I had her and we lived. It's Sister Maggie you want to worry about. She locks bad kids in the boiler room."

"No _way!"_ June gasped. "Ana said she was a vampire! So does she lock them in there to eat 'em?" I nodded solemnly, looking up to meet Julio's gaze. He looked like he was trying to keep from laughing. "Man, I don't wanna be in CCD anymore if she's just gonna suck my blood and brains out!"

"Zombies do brains, Ed. Vampires only like blood," Julio spoke up. The waitress with our food arrived then and I felt myself practically drool at the sight of my BLT and breakfast platter of bacon and hashbrowns. I mentally said grace before grabbing my sandwich and taking a huge bite.

I closed my eyes as I felt my taste buds sing Handel's _Hallelujah Chorus_. I fought back a moan and chewed slowly, even though every fiber of my being urged me to warf the bacon-y awesomeness down. I fought it, knowing I wouldn't be getting bacon for another couple of days unless I moved off of Mrs. Puckerman's couch.

When my BLT was gone, I started in on my breakfast platter after covering the hashbrowns in ketchup. I took a bite of the greasy wonder and realized that this was the highlight of my life currently. Greasy diner food.

June giggled and I looked over at him. "You look like Ana when Bee's over." I paused mid-bite in shock. _Oh God, don't tell me he's seen them..._

"Um, what?" I asked after swallowing.

"Bee comes over and helps Ana with her homework and Ana just stares at her with the same face that you made." I laughed and Julio joined, obviously having seen the slack-jawed, puppy-in-love face that his niece made on a near-daily basis when our Bee was around.

"I love bacon," I said, wiping at my eyes. "I really love bacon."

"You gonna marry it?" His brown eyes were serious and I nodded before turning to my plate.

"Bacon, I know that I will always be faithful to you if you'll have me. I've loved you for years but lately it's become something more than that. I want to eat your delicousness all hours of the day and if anyone else tries, I just want to steal you from their hands and make you mine. I am your humble servant. Will you marry me, dearest Bacon?" June and Julio both cracked up as I took a bite of one of the strips on my plate. I grinned at them before chewing and swallowing.

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><p>I was in the Lima City Public Library the next day, moving into the back of the nonfiction section. I was determined to find a book on adoption, hoping that it would tell me the steps that I needed to take both before and after the baby came. The internet had seemed very contradictory, so I figured printed words on paper would be more helpful.<p>

I wasn't sure if many people knew, but the library had always been my refuge when I was little. When I didn't want to worry Mama about my latest bruises, I would pull a sweatshirt on and disappear into the church like building. There were stained glass windows and the place smelled like old books, musty and dusty. I would pick a book at random and thumb through it, reading what I felt like. The library was my sanctuary – more of a holy place than St. Mary's ever was.

I paused at the start of the aisle with psychology books, shocked at what I saw. Finn Hudson stood, his hands in his pockets and a confused look on his face. I didn't know he even knew what libraries were for. _Jesus._

"Finn?" I asked quietly. He jumped and turned towards me, eyes wide.

"Um, hi Quinn," he said, shifting awkwardly. I swallowed nervously before deciding to be nice. We hadn't talked much, if at all, since he found out about the baby. I figured I could at least be civil towards him out of guilt.

"Do you need help looking for something?" His eyes flicked back to the shelf and I raised an eyebrow. Psychology?_ Really?_

"Um, I was just...y'know. You've been really confusing for a while and I figured a book might tell me what was up. I mean, you can like _borrow_ books from the library and there's like a million books in the world. They like seriously have _all_ the answers." I wasn't sure if I should laugh at his childish enthusiasm, gape at his stupidity or be insulted by him trying to find a book that would tell him why I was _confusing_. Especially since he was in the _psychology_ section. I wasn't crazy. I was _pregnant._ And anyways, books didn't have _all_ the answers. If they did, there wouldn't be wars or famine or disease._Duh._ I was suddenly glad he was my ex.

"_Okay,_" I said patiently, once I got a grip on my urge to be sarcastic. "What exactly were you looking for?"

"A book on why girls cheat with your best friend," he muttered. I clenched my jaw and stared at him, trying not to start screaming at him. Fuck being civil.

"I doubt there are books on that, Finn. But if you're that desperate, you should go look into a book on how not to be an idiot. The _How Not to be a Douchebag_ series might have something for you." I turned and walked away from him quickly, heading back to the section I wanted and grabbed _Adoption for Dummies_ off the shelf before heading up to the circulation desk. I knew if I were to see Finn again before class on Monday, I might have to beat him with whatever I had handy. If that happened to be a library book, so be it.

I knew that I wasn't a nice person all the time. I had my reasons, but lately I had even more of them. I was _pregnant_. I was essentially homeless and giving up my first child because I wasn't even sixteen yet. If this were a perfect world where books had _all_ the answers, I'd be able to keep my daughter and my parents would still love me. My father wouldn't hit my mother or me. Mr. Lopez wouldn't be an asshole who was obsessed with his war and Bee's dad would be alive. _Mama would be alive._

If books held the answers, it'd be a miracle. So far the only thing I could find in books was from some Persian poet or King Solomon (the book wasn't clear on exactly who came up with it). It gave me a small sliver of hope that things would get better, that everything would turn out okay like Santana had promised me before Babygate got out of hand. I clung to the saying, having it written on a scrap of paper that I kept in my pocket or bag at all times.

_This too shall pass._


	14. Greener Pastures

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**A/N: This is very much a Quinntana romance. But its canon up until the events of "On My Way". So we've got a long and crazy ride yet to go. Hope you stick around and enjoy reading it as much as I do writing :) Let me know what you think!**

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><p><strong>Greener Pastures<strong>

**Chapter Fourteen**

**June 2010 - Sophomore Year**

My mother, Judith Kennedy Fabray (_"Hyphenated names are pointless,"_ she had always said), had been standing in front of me and the fact that she was sober blew my mind more than the fact that my water had just broke. I had Mercedes and Puck go into the room with my mother and I when they rushed me away from the rest of the Glee club. Mercedes made him stand closer to my legs so he could see it "and maybe it'd teach him about condoms." If I hadn't been in such pain, I would've laughed.

When the nurse placed her on my chest, I ran my fingers against her little arm and regretted deciding to give her up. But I couldn't keep her, I knew that. I was excited for my mother but I didn't trust her and I knew I didn't want my daughter growing up like that. I didn't want her to turn out like I did. She deserved better.

_Better than me._

I held her while I delivered the placenta _(who knew there was more to birth than just delivering a baby?)_ until the nurse took her to place her in the nursery. I wound up taking a nap once the Glee kids left me alone, exhausted from the craziness of regionals _and_ labor _and _dealing with an emotional Brittany. When I woke, I wandered to the window with all the babies inside, finding Puck standing there. I moved to stand next to him, looking in on the tiny life we had accidentally created.

"She looks like you," he said softly. She was sleeping, a pink beanie on her head to keep her warm. "Do you wanna keep her?"

"No," I said. "Do you?" I couldn't pull my eyes from her. She was beautiful, perfect. He didn't answer. I knew what he would say, so I spoke before he could get the words to say what I couldn't hear. I asked the question that had been bothering me since the night since we made her. "Did you love me?"

"Yes," he said. "Especially now." I looked over at him and we smiled. He looked down shyly, something I had never seen man-whore Noah Puckerman do. I turned back to look at our daughter, tucking a piece of my bangs behind my ear.

"Which one is yours?" A woman asked from next to me. I looked over and froze for a second. Shelby Corcoran. Berry's birth mother.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. Shouldn't she be celebrating winning Regionals with her stupid St. James kid? He was pretty much her son, even though Brittany was (jokingly) convinced he was secretly Mr. Schuester's because of the curly hair and love of girly-smelling hair products.

"I see her now," she nodded, smiling and ignoring my question. She chuckled and I felt uncomfortable. "She looks like you." I turned back to my baby, not sure what to say or how to act. _Why was Shelby here?_ "Does she have a name?"

"No," I replied, shaking my head. Not one I could give her. She wasn't going to be mine, after all.

_Elizabeth Jane Fabray-Puckerman._

But I would never get to call her that. I wouldn't get to name her after Elizabeth Bennet and Jane Austen. I would never get to call her Beth (like Puck wanted) and laugh when she showed me some badly drawn crayon masterpiece before hanging it on the fridge. I wouldn't be there for her first day of school or when she fell in love or for her first broken heart. I wouldn't get to be her mother.

So I _couldn't_ name her._ Shouldn't._

"Beth," Puck spoke up. I wanted to hug him, be wrapped in his arms. I didn't love him, not like I should since I had a child with him, but he was a decent guy when he wasn't sleeping around.

"Pretty," Shelby said with a nod and a smile. "I like that name." I bit my lip, not wanting to tell her to fuck off (_how Santana of me!_). Puck wrapped his arm around me and we stood a while longer. I cuddled into his side and tried to ignore the uneasiness that Rachel's birth mother caused in me. Eventually, Puck stated leading me back down the hall to my room. I was grateful. My body was still drained and I needed the excuse to get away from her.

There were papers to sign before they let me leave the hospital and go back home to Lima. I had agreed to try living with my mother, so Puck and Mercedes had packed my things and moved them from her house.

My childhood home was quiet and mostly empty. It looked like someone had gutted it of the overpriced crap my father loved to have lying around to show off our wealth. I was kind of glad all of it had been removed. My dad's things always made me uncomfortable.

"I missed you so much, Quinnie," my mother said, wringing her hands in front of her. I didn't really know how to respond to that, so I ignored it. If she had missed me so much, maybe she shouldn't have kicked me out. I moved to climb the stairs slowly, my lower half still sore. My room hadn't changed much since I left seven or so months ago in a hurry. The bed was still made with the quilt my grandmother had made for me when I was born and my posters were still evenly spaced along the walls. Even the iron Celtic cross still hung over my bed.

I laid down on my back, staring at my ceiling. Everything was so weird now and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to act like. Was I supposed to be the goody-two-shoes Christian girl now that I wasn't pregnant? Because I didn't think I could be. I had all these feelings swirling around and no idea of why they were there or how to deal with them. I was pretty sure I was screwed.

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><p>I entered St. Mary's and the smell of candle wax and burnt wicks met my nose. My feet echoed lightly on the floor as I made my way down the aisle towards the pew where Father Finch waited for me. His shock of wispy white hair stood out sharply against his black shirt and pants. I genuflected quickly before sitting down next to him.<p>

"Lucy Quinn," he said, watery blue eyes meeting mine through his thick glasses. I smiled. "Where can you find an ocean without water?"

I laughed, grateful for his love of jokes from _Laffy Taffy _wrappers. "I have no idea."

"On a map." He giggled with me, like we were in some sort of secret club. It felt good to laugh. I hadn't been doing much of that lately. He sobered a bit before speaking. "So my dear, how are you doing? Childbirth is a very scary thing after all. Painful too from what I've heard."

I nodded. "I gave her up. It's a closed adoption unless the adoptive parents contact me." He hummed and nodded, thinking for a while. He fumbled with something for a minute before handing a book to me.

"Little Eduardo Junior and I have been working on that together. He wanted to give you something to keep you happy when you're sad. And don't you tell me that you're not sad, Lucy Quinn Fabray. Losing a child, whether willingly or not, requires a grief process." I traced my fingers over the leather cover, not really sure what to say. I didn't feel sad, mostly numb. Was I supposed to be sad yet?

"Thank you," I whispered finally. Father Finch had been our parish priest for as long as I could remember and he had the biggest heart of everyone I had ever met. He kept Sister Maggie in line for the most part and that woman was nuts.

"No problem, dearest."

* * *

><p>The book was filled with handwritten stories, drawings and collages of clippings from magazines. I paused at the first page, reading the short letter from June in his messy little boy handwriting.<p>

_Hi Lucy!_

_We wanted you to have something so you won't be so sad after you have your baby. I told Father Finch about my idea and he said it was awesome, so we've made you a book. He wrote out most of the stuff because I can't read my own writing sometimes._

_Most of this stuff is stories. Stories about you and me and Ana and Bee and Father and Mama. Figured you would like them because you're always reading books. So why not a book about memories? Memories are good usually and they make you smile. So this is a book of memories._

_I hope you're not too sad. Being sad sucks. Bee gets sad and it makes you and Ana sad and Ella gets worried and then baby Robin gets sad and cries more. So being sad sucks a lot. Don't be sad, okay? But if you are, I'll buy you ice cream with my allowance and you can hug me. That always makes me not sad so I think it'll work for you._

_Anyways, I hope you come over soon. I miss you. You're my big sister._

_Love,_

_Eduardo Carlos Lopez, Jr._

I smiled, even though tears were streaming down my face. I had missed him too. June was the best younger brother and I loved hugging him. I decided then to go over to the Lopez house and take him with me to find baby Robin so we could play with her outside. I knew I would miss my baby, but having them around would make it easier.

Right?


	15. A Close Betrayal

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>A Close Betrayal<strong>

**Chapter Fifteen**

**July to September 2010 - Junior Year**

I had always done my best to feel like I was in control. Becoming Head Cheerio, picking Finn to be the father of my child (even though he wasn't), getting Kurt to give the Hobbit that awful makeover. Even going from Lucy to Quinn. But lately I hadn't been feeling in control. I felt like a bowling ball speeding down the slippery wooden floor, ready to crash into the pins or the gutter at any moment. It was terrifying.

My big idea was to come up with a singular goal to start feeling in control again. Or, as it wound up being, a two-parted goal with many steps in between. I doubted anyone would ever know how long it took me to come up with the idea. It was in the middle of one of my runs during my summer-long conditioning to get back to my pre-pregnancy body.

_Prom Queen._

My mother had been prom queen as had Frankie. And I looked just like the both of them so I figured it'd be easy enough, right? I just had to come up with how to go about it. That night, I had gone home and planned it out.

_**Step One:**__ Take back my spot as Cheerios captain. Do this by any means possible even if it'll piss Ana off. She'll get over it in the end. Right? Right._

_**Step Two:** If Finn is still starting quarterback, get him back from Berry. I need a decent King to run with me and who else but the idiot everyone looks up to?_

_**Alternate Step Two:** If Finn isn't starting quarterback, win the new starting quarterback. Second-string players are hopeless._

_**Step Three:** CAMPAIGN._

_**Step Four:** Win Prom Queen._

Easy enough, right? Exactly.

* * *

><p>I sat next to Bee on top of the picnic table, watching Ana try to catch fish with June using a can of corn, a rusted hook they found and a couple feet of line. Something looked different about her and I wasn't really sure what. I hadn't seen much of Ana over the summer because her and Bee went to Cheer Camp and she had been working for Julio's "friend" part-time at her record shop.<p>

"She got a boob job," Bee said suddenly, sounding like she was in mourning. I guess maybe she was, seeing how she was intimately acquainted with Santana's breasts. I had seen them a few times, but I doubt I knew them like Bee did. They were having sex after all.

"Why? Her boobs were pretty awesome before," I said without thinking. I blushed when I realized what I said. _Where the hell did_ that _come from?_ But Bee didn't acknowledge my slip of tongue. She just nodded like she agreed with me.

"I know, right? And you're straight, so obviously they were pretty good if _you're_ saying that. But then she went and got them all full-er-ized and now they don't fit in my palms as well. There's like too much now." She sighed wistfully as I shifted uncomfortably. I knew they had sex more often with each other than with anyone else, but I didn't need to know the details._ Jesus. _Bee was my sister so thinking of her in bed with our best friend was just..._wrong._

Also, how the hell did I miss _that?_

* * *

><p>I knew my offered promises of money from church groups to Sylvester wasn't cutting it when she called me into her office. I flailed, trying to think of something that would push me up and into the captaincy. Then I remembered what Bee had said.<p>

I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was desperate. I _needed_ the captaincy more than Ana ever did. She had been popular before high school, so she could still be popular from the bottom of the pyramid. Right?

It wasn't until she slammed me against the lockers and started trying to insult me that I knew I had gone too far. She flipped me the bird as she walked away, Bee trying to keep up with her so she could calm her down before she got suspended again. _Fuck._

I walked over to her house and sat outside her bedroom door, waiting for her to let me in. June noticed me and sat next to me, taking my hand in his. He was slowly growing up, his chubby cheeks thinning somewhat and his knees a bit less knobby.

"Do you know why Ana's been crying?" he asked quietly. I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek. He sighed and leaned into my side, playing with my fingers. I pressed my face into the top of his head, breathing the strange mix of little boy and whatever _Axe_ flavor the boys in his gym class liked that week.

"I screwed up, June," I mumbled into his hair. "I screwed up so bad."

"Everyone screws up, Lucy. You just gotta apologize is all. That's what Miss Andrews says." I noticed the bashful tone to his voice.

"Aw, does little June have a crush?" He slapped my side and giggled. I smiled down at him, glad to have at least one Lopez who was okay with me. The sound of a door opening distracted me from teasing my favorite nine year old. Santana leaned against the door frame, her eyes puffy and her arms crossed. Guilt ate at me and I knew I had an uphill battle to make her forgive me, to get to where we were.

"I'm gonna go," June said quietly and slid away from me before walking quickly downstairs. I stood slowly, not sure what to say. _You just gotta apologize is all,_ June's voice repeated in my head.

"I'm so sorry, Ana," I said, looking at her. Her eyes avoided me and I knew that an apology would never be enough. "I shouldn't have told Coach Sylvester about your summer surgery."

"I just don't get _why_." Her voice was rough from crying and I felt like I had stabbed myself in my own gut. _Fuck._ "Why the hell would you do that to me, Q? You're one of the few people I trust and then you go and do shit like that. Fucking tell me _why_."

"I-I needed to be Head Cheerio and I didn't really think," I said quietly, looking down at my feet. "I just...I need _something_ so I can stop being the pregnant fuck-up. I shouldn't have told her. I should've just earned it back." Santana sighed and her eyes finally met mine as I looked up at her. She studied for me, her jaw set.

"Fine," she sighed. "You got the spot, but don't think I won't take it back as soon as a chance is shown. You're my family and I love you, but right now I just want to punch you."

"I love you too," I mumbled. "I don't know why I did that. There were a million other things I could've done, y'know?" Santana chuckled dryly and shook her head.

"Hindsight being 20/20 is a real bitch, isn't it _capitán_?" She looked away from me for a moment before shaking her head again. "I'm going to Bee's. I don't want to see you until school tomorrow. Got it?"

"Got it."

_Fuck._


	16. The Purest of Knights

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>The Purest of Knights<strong>

**Chapter Sixteen**

**October 2010 to May 2011 - Junior Year**

It wasn't the first time that Bee had come to me, eyes filled with tears because of something Santana had done since they had started falling apart earlier in the year. But it was the first time that I wanted to go beat her for whatever she had done. Bee looked crushed, sitting on my bed and hugging my raggedy stuffed lamb to her chest. And I knew in that moment that no matter how fucked up everything in my own life was, I had to do _something_ for my sister.

"She told me she loved me," Bee whispered. Her chin quivered and I moved to lie next to her, pulling her into my side.

"It's about time she admitted to it," I said, rubbing her back as she started crying. "She's been in love with you since forever."

"I-I know. I told her I loved her back, but I'm with Artie! I can't just dump him for her!" I frowned slightly, but kept the soothing motion going. "She's terrified of being with me. What if she just d-decides, _'Oh hey! I-I'm straight again' _because it's t-too hard for her? I love her, Lucy. I love her more than I've ever l-loved anyone, but I can't just break someone else's heart to wait for something that m-might not actually happen!"

I thought about that for a long while, doing my best to ignore the inexplicable jealousy churning in my stomach. I guessed it made sense. Why break up with someone who was proud to be with you (albeit a bit excessively so) for someone who was terrified of anything even remotely suggesting she was gay? I just wished the situation weren't so shitty. Either way someone lost.

"I dunno what to tell you, Bee," I finally said. "I mean, I totally get your point. And either way someone loses. She isn't ready to come out and just because she's jealous doesn't mean you need to give up your boyfriend for her when she doesn't even want to deal with Berry saying shit about sapphic stuff when you sing with her."

Bee sighed and cuddled into my shoulder, Mary the Lamb snuggled in between us. "I just wish she'd stop being so scared. She's a beautiful person and anyone would be lucky to have her. Why can't she just see that?"

"I dunno, Bee," I replied. The Santana I knew and loved hadn't been herself much lately. She'd been angrier, more ready to lash out at every little thing. "I just don't know."

* * *

><p>"J's getting married," June said as we walked hand-in-hand down to the Dairy Queen. I had promised him I'd buy him a sundae for scoring a goal at his last game. He would be ten soon and I was busy planning him a party with Ella Pierce and Bee's help. Double digits were a big deal after all.<p>

"So he finally get the guts to ask Hannah?" Julio had been dating Hannah Beckman for a few years now. She was the woman who owned the record shop Santana worked at on occasion. She was pretty, brunette and pale. And I gave her a million points for being perfectly cool to becoming a sort-of co-parent to a sixteen year old and a nearly ten year old.

"Yeah!" June said with a laugh. "But they're not getting married by Father Finch. He's gonna be on the guest list, though. I'm gonna be J's best man!" I grinned and messed up his hair, causing him to squeal and pull away from me. "Lucy!"

"Cool! I'm really happy for them." June nodded and we finally made it to the front door of the ice cream place. He opened the door for me, practicing his gentlemanliness on me. He claimed he was trying to get really good at that sort of thing so a bridesmaid would dance with him at the reception. Bee had been teaching him how to dance.

When we had ordered our sundaes and sat down, he looked over at me seriously. "J and Hannah are gonna adopt me and Ana." I paused my spoon still in my mouth. I swallowed and lowered my spoon before speaking.

"Oh yeah?" He nodded. "Well, how do you feel about that?" Thin shoulders shrugged and he poked at his ice cream.

"I like them," he said simply. "J's like my dad. And Hannah's gonna be his wife, so she'd be like my step-mom or something? I'm not really sure how it works. I don't wanna call her Mama though. Because she can't be Mama. She's too small."

I chuckled and took another bite. "Well, I don't think she's gonna make you call her that. She's pretty white to be a Mama." June giggled and shook his head. "So you're okay with it, huh?"

"Yep," he nodded. "I mean, he's a nice dad. He doesn't make Ana cry like our real dad does, so that's an awesome thing, right?" I nodded. Eduardo always made Ana cry and shut down whereas J always made her laugh and open up. But I wasn't sure how well Ana'd take her little brother referring to their uncle as "dad". He was only twenty-three, seven years older than her.

"Anyways, Bee's got a step-dad. I figure I'll just ask her. She'd know," he said, finishing his sundae. We threw our dishes in the trash before heading back outside. He took my hand in his and we made our way back to the Lopez house. Sometimes I loved how he saw things. It was so different from his sister's cynical outlook. I loved her, I _did_. But there were days when I just needed a different viewpoint.

* * *

><p>"She sang me a <em>Fleetwood Mac<em> song," Bee said, sounding dazed. I looked at her, not really sure how to respond to that. "It was about love and songbirds and..._oh my god_. Can I just marry her?" I chuckled, ignoring the almost routine pangs of jealousy as she rolled onto her side to look at me where I was sitting at her desk.

"You could ask her, but I think J and Hannah might get grumpy if you do it before they get hitched." Bee laughed and put a hand over her eyes.

"I just...I love her so much, Q. I'm pretty sure that as soon as she comes out she'd be the proudest person, y'know? Like she's strong right now, but if you add pride and self-assurance to that? Fucking badass." I started laughing.

"Yeah, totally."

She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling and I turned back to my Spanish homework, wishing I had just taken the placement test so I wouldn't have to deal with the very basics of a language I was pretty much fluent in. And Mr. Schue sucked, if I were being honest. I couldn't figure out if it was because he was from Lima and had never spoken Spanish to a native speaker or what. But he sucked.

"So," Bee said and I looked over at her. "How does it feel now that everyone at school knows about Lucy Caboosy?" I rolled my eyes and turned back to my homework.

"I wish they didn't. But I guess I won't get weird looks anymore when you or Ana calls me Lucy." I filled in a few blanks on my worksheet as I thought. I had gotten the "fat population" as backers in the race for Prom Queen because of it, so that was a good thing. But I really wish it hadn't come out. Zizes pissed me off and I didn't have much to get back at her with. Santana couldn't kick her ass and I doubt she'd try again even if I begged her to.

"Well, you could look at it this way," Bee said, pausing for a moment. "Everything's out in the open now and you can own it, right? It's you and you dealt with it. Right now, you're more badass than Santana in my book. And I'm in love with her, so you know she ranks pretty high. You own what who you are and that's way badass-er. She can't even do that."

I stood and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her and lying down on top of her. She ran her fingers through my hair and I kissed her shoulder before sitting up, straddling her waist. "She'll come out eventually, Bee. I mean, it's only a matter of time. Who can resist you?"

Bee laughed. "You can." I stuck my tongue out before cracking up with her. When we sobered she squeezed my hand. "Thanks, Lucy." I smiled down on my knight and sister. She was always being hurt by either Santana or me yet she always forgave us. It wasn't any wonder why everyone loved her. She was the best person in existence. The purest.


	17. The False Grail

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**A/N: Just as a heads up, this is where we start getting a little dark. It'll be like this for a long while. Remember crazy!Quinn from the baby stealing extravaganza? Well, this is just the beginning. She won't hit rock bottom for a while.**

**Also, my laptop crashed, so I'm giving y'all the two chapters I have uploaded. It might be a week or so before I upload again. Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>The False Grail<strong>

**Chapter Seventeen**

**Mid-May 2011 - Junior Year**

"Quinn, you need to calm down!" I whirled around to face Berry. All I could feel was humiliation, rage, desperation. My goal had failed and now I had nothing. What was I supposed to do now?

"This is your fault!" I exclaimed, pointing at her. "They never would've voted for me because they knew he would rather be with you." I could feel tears starting to fall down my cheeks and it made my anger grow.

"T-That's not true!" Berry protested. My palm stung and I paused in shock. What the hell did I just do? She looked up at me with frightened doe eyes and I felt disgusted. I had always told myself that I'd never be like my father, never lay a hand on anyone unless it was in defense and what did I just _do?_

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. I felt my face crumple. I was becoming a monster and I had no idea how to stop it. I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to count, tried to keep myself from falling over the ledge that would lead to nothing good.

I wiped at my cheeks, trying to ignore the fact that Berry was still looking at me. Her eyes weren't as wide as they had been, they were just looking at me with pity and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand it when Ana or Bee looked at me like that and this was fucking _Manhands_. Getting pity from her was like being water-boarded. Like having alcohol-covered toothpicks shoved into the tender skin under my nails.

"There's no way I'm staying at this school," I finally said, managing to keep my face cold. My voice still wavered and I hated it. "I'm gonna transfer." I turned to the mirror and studied my face. My makeup wasn't completely ruined, so that was good. I could still show my face long enough to get out of this hellhole and back to my house. If Finn tried to show up and apologize tomorrow, I wasn't sure if I could forgive him.

Berry moved to the sink next to mine and prodded her cheek, studying her reflection in the mirror. "Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face," she said thoughtfully, "but I happen to appreciate the drama of it." I rolled my eyes and brushed a lock of hair away from my face before turning and leaning against the sink. She was giving me an easy out and I felt the urge to be honest with the girl I tormented. She was strangely trustworthy when she wasn't revealing things like Babygate.

"I know you think it's hard to be you, Rachel, but at least you don't have to be terrified all the time." I heard the squeak of the tap as she turned the sink off.

"What are you so scared of?" I turned to see what she was doing and she offered me a dampened paper towel. I decided to be honest, right?

"The future," I said. "When all this is gone." It was true. I knew that as I got older Lucy Caboosy would come back. I couldn't be the good-looking bitch in charge for forever.

"You have _nothing_ to be scared of. You're a very pretty girl, Quinn." I looked at her, not sure why she was being so kind. I tormented her, crushed her like a bug. "You're the prettiest girl I've ever met, but...you're a lot _more_ than that."

I sighed, feeling tears start to form again and looked away. I wasn't pretty. I was just Lucy. Ana and Bee tried to make me feel pretty but all I could ever feel was like they just wanted me to feel better about myself so they could go off and fuck somewhere.

"Here," Rachel said quietly. I sniffled and breathed deeply. I looked over her and she gestured with the paper towels. "Can I help?" I nodded. She gently wiped at my cheeks, removing the tear stains. Maybe it was good I wasn't relying on Bee and Ana for once. I didn't want to rely on Rachel, of course not, but I didn't want my only two friends to be mad at me. I couldn't stand it if they were.

* * *

><p>I laid out on my bed, trying to convince myself that I was going to be perfectly fine, that I wasn't losing control over everything. I could feel the walls of my room close in on me, feel all my emotions pressing in. I felt like I was slowly being choked and I knew I couldn't struggle with all of it anymore.<p>

It was in that moment where I felt a small sense of understanding for how Bee felt that night after freshman year ended. I felt hopeless, useless, horrible. I felt alone. The empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, where my daughter used to rest and kick, screamed at me in the silence of my house. _You're a failure, Lucy Quinn Fabray,_ it shrieked. _You aren't cut out for anything but being a fuck up._

I pressed my hands into my face, trying to keep myself from falling apart. I knew that I wouldn't be strong enough to even try to go through with it like Bee had. I wouldn't kill myself because I _couldn't_. Gays might not go to hell, but suicides most definitely did.

_Thou shall not kill._

I forced myself to pick up my phone and make a call to the one person I knew wouldn't judge me. I just hoped she wasn't in the middle of doing something I didn't want to think about.

* * *

><p>My bedroom door opened and Bee made her way in, a tired-looking Santana following her. I sent a quick prayer to whoever was listening that I didn't interrupt anything. I wanted to keep my limbs for as long as possible.<p>

Bee laid down next to me, pulling me into her and running her hand up and down my back. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but the ache in my chest lessened somewhat. The bed dipped down behind me and another pair of arms wrapped around me as Santana spooned me from behind.

"We love you, Lucy Q," Ana murmured, voice rough. I felt her press a kiss to the back of my head. "We always will."

"We do, we do," Bee agreed. I felt the safest, the sanest I had in ages, nestled in between my knights. They had always been there for me, even if I was being a selfish bitch. We were the Unholy Trinity, after all. We were inseparable and would be for the rest of our lives.

_No,_ the voice in the back of my mind argued. _Everything falls apart, Quinnie. Everything's transient in this world. The Unholy Trinity will crumble into dust and nothing can stop it. You can't stop life from running its course unless you just _end _it._

I whimpered slightly and pressed my face into Bee's chest. We couldn't fall apart. I couldn't lose them. They were my family, my knights.

_Even the Round Table fell apart,_ the snide little voice said. _Arthur floated away and the Round Table fell apart. Your Trinity will, too._


	18. Within These, Our Blackest Days

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Within These, Our Blackest Days<strong>

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Late May 2011 - Junior Year**

I remembered coming home to the Lopez house to find Mama singing and dancing in the the living room with June, both of them kind of red in the face and laughing. Mama had held out a hand to me when she noticed my presence and I joined in on their dancing. Eventually, she wound up leading me through a slow dance (it wasn't a waltz exactly), singing parts of an Ella Fitzgerald song in her low contralto. I joined in when I knew the words and when she dipped me at the end, I could hear applause and laughter from behind us.

But yesterday there was no dancing, no laughter and no happiness. Yesterday there was only tears, anger, and loneliness. I hated Finn for forcing us into helping with Jean Sylvester's funeral, hated him for dumping me and forcing me to feel things I didn't want to feel. I hated funerals, hated death and dying, hated feeling like a lost little girl again. Helping Sue was great, but I didn't want anything to do with the funeral. I didn't want to have to deal with the aftermath.

Santana was fighting with J as I entered the kitchen and I fought to keep from pulling her forcibly up to her room to calm down. I had just gotten back from the Pierce's, having spent the night there to keep Bee company. I had watched Disney movies and held her as she cried when Simba's dad died on my own because Santana was busy getting drunk in the field across the way with Puck.

I _hated_ funerals.

They brought up something in everyone and it wasn't always easy to deal with. Some people were reminded of their own mortality while others remembered past loses. For me, it was Mama. For Ana, it was her oldest sister and Mama and for Bee, it was her father and Mama. Everything about it sucked and I just wanted to forget that I was barely holding onto my pieces. Forget how the funeral only made my pieces crumble that much further.

I was ripping apart at the seams with emotions and feelings and thoughts and they were all striving to drive me absolutely insane. I was growing tired of putting on a game face. I was ready to give in to the feelings and just...explode, for lack of a better term.

The only problem was that it might not be an explosion. The problem was that it might just turn into an implosion and I didn't want to do any of it to everyone else. But I was getting tired, so _so_ tired of the empty feeling in my gut and the voice at the back of my head.

I was just so fucking tired.

I laid down in the yard, not caring that people could probably see me in a raggedy pair of sweats and a worn t-shirt, my hair a curly mess. I just wanted the sun on my face to warm me like it always used to, make me feel better. Just do _something_ for me because nothing else was. Nothing was helping anymore and I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

I felt someone lay down next to me and warm fingers lace in mine. The smell of stale alcohol and sweat hit my nose. Santana. We laid in silence, not speaking. I focused on the hand in mine, my anchor in that moment from letting the mess break its way out of me. I tried to see a light at the end of the tunnel, a hot glue gun to keep all my pieces together.

But the sad part was that I couldn't. All I could think of was one nursery rhyme, rolling around over and over again in my mind. As if it wanted to rename me, claim me as its new egg-man. Drive me insane.

_Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,_

_Humpty Dumpty had a great fall._

_All the King's horses and all the King's men_

_Couldn't put Humpty together again._

* * *

><p>There were days where I'd gladly go back to being Lucy Caboosy if it meant I weren't stuck here. Stuck in Lima, stuck at my mother's, stuck at McKinley. Stuck in my mind. But everything seemed to conspire against me, tried to pull me apart. I had no idea how to deal with my feelings, no idea how to even talk to someone. I doubted even Bee with her emotional brilliance could help me.<p>

I drifted through the hallways of school, not sure if I even wanted to be there. Did I want to graduate, even? I debated dropping out and just getting a GED so I could get some shitty job at the Pick-N-Save. I was going to be a Lima Loser, so why not embrace it now?

Anger was my only tool. I was so_ so_ good at anger. I had been angry for years, but lately with the swarm of everything else, I had become a master at it. We only had a few days to go until it was time to get on a plane to New York and I wasn't sure if I could survive.

Rachel Berry had been okay up until Finn dumped me to go back after her. It wasn't...I wasn't actually attracted to him. I knew that now, but it _pissed_ me off. She was always so fucking chipper, so loudly _sure_ of everything that I just wanted to hurt her. She fucking...I was starting to hate her. I had never hated her before, but her self-assuredness was getting to me. Was eating at me.

Why couldn't I be so sure of where I was going?

I didn't know if my mother was going to attempt at sobriety, didn't know if she'd take back my father. I didn't know if I'd get out of Lima or go to college. I didn't know if I'd still have Santana and Brittany in a few weeks, if not after graduation. I didn't know if I would lose my families, didn't know if we'd all die in some ridiculous Mayan Apocalypse in a couple years.

Everything was fucking uncertain and it terrified me. Chilled me to my core and made the voice at the back of my head louder. I just wanted something to cling to, something to have so I wouldn't feel so fucked up.

_Was that too much to ask?_

Brittany tried to sit me down and cuddle-talk like we always did when I was upset but I couldn't. I couldn't open up now. I would break, I would tear. I would lose it and I just _couldn't._ I couldn't do that to my Bee, couldn't let myself fall that far. She was my favorite person in the world, the one that I didn't have strange and confusing dreams about. She protected me, believed in me. I couldn't destroy that. Because of that, I kept everything inside and hoped that I would find my hot glue-gun soon. Even a roll of duct tape would work. I just needed _something._


	19. Revelations

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**Also, heads up! Next chapter has a rating change.**

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Revelations<strong>

**Chapter Nineteen**

**May to June 2011 - Junior Year**

I fingered the ends of my new haircut thoughtfully as we sat in the waiting area for our flight back to Dayton International. Santana and Brittany were talking to one another away from the group, their pinkies linked. I felt jealousy start to grow again as I watched them, watched Brittany say something and Santana blush. I wasn't really sure why I was jealous all the time. I had been convinced at one point that it was because they were all couple-y and I was left out, but now I wasn't so sure.

I wasn't sure if I should even worry about it when my head was full of other confusing and aggravating things. Today was the first day in a long while that I hadn't felt completely numb and if I were to be honest, I wish I would've just stayed that way. Being numb was better than being jealous for some unknown reason. Seriously, I needed to just get over it. It was bad enough that I completely lost it at the hotel two days ago and broke down over wanting to be loved.

I don't even know why I did that. Yes, being loved would be awesome. And having your two best friends exchange guarded guilty looks when you are in an _'I feel unlovable'_ mood was sucky. But why the fuck did I even say that? Why did I lose it?

I was distracted from my musing by the speaker calling for our plane to be boarded. I took the ticket out of my pocket and shouldered my bag, moving to avoid standing next to the happy couple in line. That only served to put me next to yet _another_ happy couple and I wanted to gag. Puck and Lauren. Oh _Christ._

I bit the inside of my cheek and shoved my earbuds in, hoping to ignore their cheesy flirting and the general God-awfulness of Puck trying to be suave. He was the high school version of a frat boy sometimes and I just wanted to smack him upside the head. If not for being crude, then for getting me knocked up.

_Fuck._ I sighed and followed slowly down the aisle to J7, sliding in and fidgeting with my bag. _Don't think about getting knocked up or babies or any of it. Just don't. Just try to go one freaking day without thinking about any of that, okay? You can do that, can't you Lucy? _Please?

Someone sat next to me and I glanced up. Santana smiled at me, her eyes worried. "You okay, Lucy Q?" I nodded, hoping she wouldn't question me much further. Boy Chang sat down in the third seat and started talking to Sam across the aisle. I turned to look out the window at the people and little trucks milling around the pavement.

A hand grabbed mine and I watched as Santana entwined our fingers. "I need you to hang onto me, Luce," she muttered. "You know I hate these stupid flying death machines." I nodded, squeezing her hand.

Was it bad that the fact someone needed me for something made me feel a bit better? I could still feel my mood dropping back into the pit of despair I had been living in lately, but it felt like my descent was slowed a bit. Felt like the impact might not hurt as much.

But that didn't explain why I felt hot all over, like my heart was full and I was suddenly... never mind that. _Not_ appropriate. Still, what the hell was up with me? I hadn't felt like this until...until..._oh._ Oh fucking_ shit._ My impulse was to yank my hand away from Ana, pull back like I was scalded and switch spots with someone because that was fucking confusing.

She needed me, though. She needed me because she was terrified of airplanes. And it made me feel somewhat better knowing that someone else was having a problem. Granted, hers wasn't so fucked up, but _still._ She _needed_ me.

I was screwed.

* * *

><p>That night I sat out on the bit of roof in front of my bedroom window, listening to the crickets as I tried to calm myself down. I had been...well, for lack of a better word...<em>horny<em> for Santana. Jesus. Was this what she had felt like when she realized she felt this way for Bee? Jealously raged through me again and I closed my eyes, breathing sharply through my nose.

I needed to chill the fuck out. It wasn't either of their faults that I had been late to this revelation. They were happy and in love and whatever. I was a day late and a buck short and that's what I got for being a moron and not realizing this earlier.

Then the next realization hit me. I had never felt this way about Finnosaurus Rex or Puck or...well, I sort of did for Sam until he pitched a tent in his pants. Then not so much. But holy fuck.

_I'm kind of gay,_ I thought suddenly._ I'm really kind of gay. Holy fucking shit. I'm _gay.

I opened my eyes and watched as a pizza delivery guy sped down the street. I wasn't that angry about it, I wasn't scared, I wasn't much of anything. I was just...nothing. I was just nothing. _Numb._

Was this how everything was going to feel now? Either it was gonna feel bad or not feel like anything at all? Was this my punishment for getting pregnant? I grit my teeth and closed my eyes again. I wasn't sure I could do this. I really wasn't sure.

_I'm not telling anyone,_ I decided. _Not until I start feeling like _me_ again. _Because I sure as fuck didn't feel like me. I felt like some stranger had taken me over and it was annoying.

...At least I wasn't thinking of nursery rhymes again.


	20. Jousting the Vile Wraiths

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**Note the rating change and remember that Quinntana is endgame.**

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Jousting the Vile Wraiths<strong>

**Chapter Twenty**

**July 2011 - between Junior and Senior Year**

I was smaller than she was, had less lean muscle, but it was easy to slam her against the hallway wall and start biting and sucking at her neck. She grabbed at my waist, digging her nails into the skin left uncovered by my raggedy Nirvana shirt. I groaned and pulled away, looking into her dark eyes. Abigail "The Mack" Mackenzie was beautiful, dark and troubled. Contrary to popular belief, she wasn't a moron or nearly as white-trash as people thought she was. She was just...hidden.

_Sometimes,_ I mused, _it's easier to go along with what people thought of you than to protest and try to prove otherwise._ I knew that. It had been a struggle every day of my life until I just gave in and decided to do the exact opposite.

"You're fucking sexy, Q," Mack said and leaned back in. I smiled slightly as she started pulling my shirt over my head. "So fucking sexy." I undid my own bra before pulling her wife beater off and attaching my lips to her collarbone. Her smooth hands glided up my back, before moving around and cupping my breasts. I bit down when she tweaked my nipples and she chuckled as I pulled back and glared.

"You're a pain in the ass, Abby," I said, knowing it would piss her off. She reached a hand up and pulled on my hair, twisting a bright pink lock around her finger.

"At least I'm not the Pink wannabe, babe," she smirked before pulling me over to her bed. Her lips met mine as I straddled her and I bit down on her lip. She moaned, hands going roughly into my hair. As she ran her nails along my scalp, I shoved my tongue into her mouth. If we did this rough, I wouldn't have to think. There wouldn't be any feelings other than what was going through my body. So I was always rough.

One of my hands went to her bra, pushing it up as my other went and undid her belt. I trailed my mouth from hers, going to her neck. I left more bruises and welts as I made my way down. Her skin tasted like sweat and something tangy. She pulled me down, more on top of her and slid her hand past the waist of my basketball shorts. I groaned and bit her nipple, causing her to arch her back and yank at my hair with her free hand. I grunted, feeling my body start to throb. I sucked on the nipple, biting it and licking before I moved across her breast, leaving another bruise or two before taking the other in my mouth.

"Fuck," she groaned when I took the nipple in my teeth. Her nails dug at my scalp and her fingers met my center. I breathed sharply as she rubbed my clit, moving back to her mouth and sucking on her bottom lip. We kissed hungrily, almost angrily as she sped up. Her other hand pinched my nipples painfully and I slipped my hand into her baggy jeans, trailing through her heat teasingly before entering her roughly.

She bit my shoulder, the hand that was in my hair going to my back and clawing at me. My thumb moved to her clit as she fumbled on mine. Two fingers teased me and I added a third into her. She moaned loudly before entering me and I smiled, breathing heavily. I could feel tension building in my belly, could feel her start to get insanely slippery and I knew it would end soon. I bit my lip, fighting the thoughts of Santana that always swirled around in my mind.

A couple or five thrusts later and she came, jerking up into me and hitting my clit just right. I trembled through my orgasm, my eyes shut tight and hating myself. _You don't think of your best friend when fucking your sort-of girlfriend, Fabray. _Not _cool._

It didn't make any difference that I was in love with Santana and not Mack. It wasn't cool and she'd probably be pissed if she knew. But it happened every time. I rolled off her and stared at the ceiling fan as it spun. I fought to steady my breathing, fought against the emotions that were suddenly filling me. God I fucking hated myself.

I moved to stand and grabbed my cigarettes and lighter out of my shorts. Once I had the window cracked, I lit one and sighed. I rubbed at my face as I took a drag, praying to a god I wasn't sure I believed in anymore. I was such a fucking screw up and I knew it. The pink hair and temporary tattoo attested to that, as did my new smoking habit and girlfriend who was more of a fuckbuddy. The empty ache in my belly that not even a good orgasm could get rid of screamed at me again and I fought the whimper at the back of my throat. I was so fucked up.

When my cigarette was gone, I dressed and left. Mack never seemed to be bothered by it much. _"I know you've got issues, Q. I don't blame you."_ And I was grateful for that. I wanted to be a better girlfriend, be fully into this _thing._ But I couldn't. My claustrophobia skyrocketed every time she tried to cuddle afterwards. My emptiness rang through me.

_It was funny,_ I thought. _The girl that I could have love me back wasn't the one I actually loved._ No. I had to love the girl who had been my best friend for years. The one who was dating my sister.

_Nothing's ever easy with you, is it Lucy?_ the snide little voice asked. I grit my teeth and made my way out of the house, breaking into a run as the emptiness grew. I felt like I was losing my mind, losing control of everything. That was what the hair and clothes and fake tattoo were for. I needed some semblance of control.

But it wasn't working. I was just as fucked up as I had been. I was a car careening off a bridge and into the ravine below. I was fucked. I was warring with myself, fighting the whatever was wrong with me on the inside and I was losing. I knew I should ask for help, I knew that. Bee hadn't asked for help that one time and we almost lost her.

My only problem was that I was pretty sure even if I did ask for help, nobody _could_. I doubted my problems were actually problems outside of my head. Maybe I was just fucking nuts. Maybe I was a lost cause. Maybe I just didn't matter anymore. It wasn't like my demons were ever going to go away.

Maybe I should just give up.


	21. All the King's Horses

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

_**A/N:**_ I went back and added estimated dates to when each chapter takes place. Keep these in mind. We're getting close to where this crazy ride leaves canon and careens away into the Wonderland of my mind.

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><em>"People grow apart. Deal with it."<em>

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><p><strong>All the King's Horses<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**September 2011 - Senior Year**

I was sitting on the bit of roof outside my window, smoking, when I heard someone slip out the window behind me. I could tell who it was just by how she breathed. I knew her better than myself most of the time. Being in love with her only made it worse.

"I get that people grow apart, Q. They're like tree branches, y'know? They start together but they grow further and further apart," she said quietly and I watched her light up a cigar out of the corner of my eye. "But here's the thing that you forget. There's always a strong wind to knock them back together."

"Great," I drawled. "Now, Gandalf, please tell me what the fuck this has to do with anything?" She burst into laughter and I scowled.

"You suck at being badass," she said when her laughter calmed. "Gandalf? Really, Lucy Q? _Gandalf?"_ I ground the butt of my cigarette out and turned to look at her, sending her my best death glare.

The humor fell from her face and she grew serious. "You an' me grew apart, Luce. But there's a strong breeze right now and it's knocking us back together." I watched her, waiting for her magical answer to everything. Also, her metaphor sucked. Actually, she just sucked in general. She sucked for not looking for me this summer. She sucked for being nauseatingly in love with my sister. She sucked for being happy. She sucked for making me fall in love with her. God fucking damn she sucked.

"Come on, Lucy. I should've done something sooner when I noticed that things were off with you. But I didn't. I was wrapped up in my own drama, but I just...it felt wrong not having you living with me or Bee and seeing you daily. You're my best friend, Luce. You always have been." I snorted and flicked my butt off the roof before getting another. So she felt guilty. That wasn't my fucking problem.

_No,_ the snide voice said. _Your problem is that you're in love with her_. I took a long drag and closed my eyes, fighting the voice at the back of my head. What semblance of sanity I had managed to obtain over the past month or so had been knocked from me as soon as Puck dragged me into the room with Shelby Corcoran.

It had been like being stabbed with a burning hot knife, being _gutted_ with it, when she started talking about us being family to Beth. I wanted to throw something at her, hit her. I could never be family to Beth in the way I wanted. I was too young, too immature to be her mother. I couldn't settle for being her godmother or whatever the fuck.

And then when Shelby... _Jesus._ I just wanted to hit her. So fucking hard. I wanted to see my baby, but I couldn't just... I didn't know how to go back. My refuge in the pink hair and the emo-y hipster clothing wasn't working anymore. The nagging little voice was back, the emptiness had grown bigger than I remembered it having been. I just wanted to be me again and nothing worked.

"Lucy," Santana spoke quietly. "I was serious earlier. I'll help you bleach your hair back if you want me to. It'll be like the first time. I'll even make brownies for afterwards." I sighed. Shelby had said some shit about flattops and growing up or whatever. I thought for a long moment.

If it took dyeing my hair and looking like the old goody-two-shoes me again to see Beth, I guessed I would have to do it. I snubbed out my cigarette and looked over to Santana. The sun was hitting her just right and my heart caught in my throat as she waited for my response.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll do it."

* * *

><p>I flattened my dress nervously, not sure that I belonged here. With the way I had been acting lately, was I even worthy of my Lopez-Reyes family anymore? But J and Hannah both wanted me there, so here I was in a pale blue dress, standing next to Bee and Alejandra as Hannah's bridesmaids. Santana, Diego and June were J's groomsmen <em>(groomspeople?)<em>, the guys wearing red ties and vests and Ana wearing a blood red dress.

I avoided looking at Bee and Ana, knowing they were likely having eye-sex. Who wouldn't? Ana looked completely fuckable. Her legs and that dress and those shoes? With her hair down and in it's natural curls? I just wanted to pin her to a wall and make her scream. But that was just a bad idea.

I bit the inside of my cheek and kept my smile in place, knowing that the happy couple would want people to look happy in their pictures. I wish I could be truly happy for them in this moment, but I just couldn't. I could barely stay _in_ the moment, let alone feel anything.

The minister from the Episcopalian church that Hannah went to said something and they responded. I assumed it was the vows and then they kissed. I watched, the smile still intact across my face. Why couldn't I be happy and loved like that?

When we made our way to the reception, I made up my mind. I might be blonde and girly again, but I really needed to fuck Mack. It was wrong, using her when I was emotionally screwy, but I did it anyways. I was going to call her as soon as the reception was over.

_I needed to forget everything._

"Lucy?" A worn voice asked. I turned to find Father Finch standing behind me, a small smile on his face. "Lucy! I knew it was you!"

"Hi Father," I said quietly. I was tired of the ruse and I let it drop. I was fucking exhausted of trying to be sane and happy for everyone else. The small, bigger-than-life man raised an eyebrow before offering an arm to me. I hesitated before taking it, knowing that he wanted to talk to me.

He led me out to a garden and we sat together on a bench by a tree. I stared at the mums, hating how they smelled. I never knew why people planted them when they smelled so bad.

"So," he said. "I've been worried about you, Lucy." I sighed and looked back at him. I couldn't stand the thought of losing his support, but I needed to just tell him. I bit the inside of my cheek, tasting blood, before speaking quietly.

"Will you hear my sins, Father?" He studied me, before nodding.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, let us say Amen." I murmured _Amen_ as I crossed myself and paused, trying to gather my strength. I didn't have much anymore, but I could sure as hell fake it, couldn't I?

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been...a year and three months since my last confession. I accuse myself of the following sins..." I trailed, swallowing hard. "I haven't come to mass since my last confession, I lie daily, I've stolen and coveted that which I don't have. I love someone who I should not, the person I covet. For these sins and all those that I cannot remember, I humbly repent and ask for absolution, counsel, and penance."

"My dear, you struggle with things that all struggle with," he said, eyes kind. I looked back down at my hands, waiting for my penance. "Do four Hail Mary's and two decades of the Rosary when you get home. But keep in mind, dear one, love is never a sin."

I bit the inside of my cheek, causing it to start bleeding again, feeling the tears start to well up in my eyes. I knew in my heart it wasn't a sin to love a woman, but I didn't want to lose Father Finch. He had been there for me since I was little. It would be like losing a family member.

"Now please make an Act of Contrition."

I swallowed before speaking. "O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen."

"Amen," Father said. "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good."

"For His mercy endures forever," I replied. I wiped at my cheeks, catching the few tears that had started to fall.

"Lucy," he said, his voice saddened. "Love is never a sin. No matter who it is that you love." I shook my head and closed my eyes, not willing to lose him but not willing to lie to him. "You know, you could say that all priests are in gay marriages." I looked up sharply, shocked. "We devote our lives to a man and we are men. Devotion and marriage traditionally go hand-in-hand, so you could say I'm in a gay marriage." He smiled. "I might not be a priest for longer, just so you know. I'm getting old or senile. Whatever the term is these days."

"So you're okay with me?" I asked, slightly shocked. Father Finch shook his head with a laugh.

"I was never not okay with you, dear one. I love you as I love all my flock. Remember that." I smiled and wiped at my cheeks again before hugging the old man tightly. At least some part of my life was turning out well.


	22. And All the King's Men

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>And All the King's Men<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-two**

**November 2011 - Senior Year**

I stared myself down in the mirror after fifth period, debating if I needed to touch up my roots when a couple of girls walked into the bathroom behind me. I ignored them, not really giving a shit about freshmen (or were they sophomores?). I started fixing my eyeliner when something one of them said caught my attention.

"Yeah, I heard that that Lopez girl is in love with the tall blonde one – _Brittany_." I paused, wondering where the hell two underclassmen found that out. My stomach froze as I realized how. Ana had been outed. Oh _shit_. I paused, lowering my pencil and waiting to hear whose life I would have to shorten.

"Whoa!" the other girl said, sounding scandalized. "When did Sylvester start letting dykes on the team?" They both giggled and I chewed on the inside of my cheek. Obviously they were new or just stupid, talking about Santana in front of me. But then again, most people thought we weren't friends.

"Amy, Sylvester's like the queen of dykes. And anyways, according to Jamie, that Finn Hudson said that Brittany didn't love her back." I grit my teeth and clenched my fists. I could feel the eyeliner pencil crack in my hand, but I didn't care. I was a walking ball of crazy and he earned it. I was going to _castrate_ him. He wasn't Catholic, didn't have any Catholic family. He wouldn't get it. He couldn't get it. She'd get disowned, if not by J and Hannah, then by the Lopez half of the family.

_Pregnancy ended,_ I thought suddenly, _being gay didn't. Being gay wasn't ever a choice either, not like drinking vodka-enhanced wine coolers and not using a condom._

I let the pencil fall from my hand to the floor and I grabbed my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. I turned to face the underclassmen as they exited the stalls. My HBIC face was in place and I smirked internally when I saw them cower.

"Keep being small minded, girls," I said coldly. One swallowed and the other looked about to wet herself even though I assumed she had already used the toilet. "That's what makes a Lima Loser a Lima Loser. Have fun working at Pick N Save with your eventual mullets." With that, I turned on my heel and left the bathroom. I knew that talking to Santana now, at school, would be a horrible decision. She would be angry until she broke down. _That's _when I would be needed. Brittany almost always needed my help when that happened. Something about the "Power of Three." I was pretty sure she needed to stop watching _Charmed_ reruns.

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><p>My phone buzzed on my dresser and I grabbed it, not sure if I wanted to talk to anyone. I was five seconds away from curling up in a ball and hoping that the emptiness would go away. Ana's name flashed across the screen.<p>

"Hello?" A muffled sob came through the speaker and I sat upright. _Shit._ I hurried to grab whatever clothes I could find and grabbed my keys. "Ana, where are you?" A broken cry was my answer and I closed my eyes. "Honey, I need you to calm down and tell me where you are. Can you do that?"

"A-Abuela's." I cursed mentally, having a feeling as to what happened. Alma Lopez had been a cruel woman growing up and it was stupid to hope that she wouldn't be when rejecting her granddaughter. _Little baby Garbage Face_. I got into my Bug and started the engine.

"Are you inside? Can you wait there for me?"

"P-Porch," she whimpered and I bit the inside of my cheek as I hung up and drove west towards Lima Valley. I put all my focus on Santana, knowing she both needed it and that it would drive the aching emptiness away. At least for a while. I couldn't be mood swing-y when my best friend was hurting. I would hurt her more.

I parked on the curb outside Abuela Lopez's home, looking for Santana. I noticed a dark figure huddled on the front step and my heart broke. I cut the engine and got out, making my way to her.

"Ana?" I said quietly, not wanting to startle her. She sobbed harder and I helped her to her feet, leading her to my car. "Come on, honey. I've got you." When she was buckled into the passenger seat, I started the engine and headed out to Lima Heights Adjacent. I debated calling Bee, but I knew that she was grounded and didn't have her phone.

I led Ana into her house, helping her out of her jacket and boots. I had a feeling someone would come check on us and I wasn't sure if it would turn out well. I heard quiet footsteps and, sure enough, June appeared.

"Oh," he said, his face falling. He moved quickly and wrapped Ana in a hug, stroking her hair. "Ana, what's wrong?" He looked up at me when she only sobbed harder. "What happened, Lucy?"

More footsteps approached and Hannah came into the foyer, stopping as she saw my best friend hunched over in tears. I stepped back, watching as she called for J and ushered the mess that was my best friend into the kitchen. June sat there, not sure what to do. I opened my arms and he rushed into me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I shifted a bit and picked him up, grunting slightly. He had grown a bit since the last time I carried him around. I headed up to his room, setting him down on the bed.

"You know who Ellen Degeneres is, right?" June nodded. I knew he did, he watched her show religiously when he got home from school. It was always a favorite time of mine to come over. June's laughter was like a streak of color in my otherwise dull grey world. "Well, Santana and Brittany are kind of like Ellen and her wife, Portia."

"Oh," he said. He pursed his lips thoughtfully before shrugging. "I guess that makes sense. Are they gonna get married?"

I fought back the bitter jealousy in my gut before shrugging. "I don't know. They're too young to get married." He nodded and I ran my fingers through his messy curls.

"Then what happened to Ana?"

"Sometimes people think it's wrong to love someone who's the same as you. They think it's wrong that a girl might love a girl or a boy might love a boy." He frowned, his face so similar to his sister's.

"Leviticus," he whispered. I nodded. "Sister Maggie said that. But I asked Father Finch and he said that Ellen and Portia aren't going to hell for being in love. He said that Sister Maggie's just a bitter old nun." I snorted slightly and shook my head.

"She's a _very _bitter old nun."

"So who hurt Ana?" I sighed and closed my eyes. I wasn't there for it, so saying it was her abuela when there was a minuscule chance it wasn't wouldn't be right. For all I knew, her dad could be on leave and visiting his mother. It was a microscopic chance, but it was still a possibility.

"You'll have to let her tell you," I said. He huffed and flopped back on the mattress.

"I don't see why it's not okay to love someone. Gay people are really nice."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep," he said, sounding tired. "My best friend James is gay. He told me the other day after we talked about Leviticus. He said he was scared about Hell, so I went to ask Father Finch. But I didn't say it was James I was asking about just in case." I felt proud of him, prouder than I had ever been of anyone.

"That's very sweet of you, June," I said, sitting next to him. "How many gay people do you think you know?" He mouthed numbers while he quietly counted on his fingers.

"Well, there's Ana and Bee, Ellen and Portia, Ricky Martin, James, and Mr. Berry from the library." I raised an eyebrow. One of Rachel's dads was a librarian? I made a mental note to get back to that later.

"Well, Brittany's not gay. She likes both boys and girls. That's called being bisexual." June nodded. I paused before continuing. June was my little brother, he was safe. Had to be, right? "And there's one other gay person you know."

"Who?"

"You can't tell anyone, okay?" He nodded, eyes growing wide. I pointed at myself. "I-I'm gay too." I breathed in shakily. It wasn't hard to tell Mack when we started fucking, but telling my little brother? Slightly terrifying, even though I knew he'd be okay with it.

"Well, I love you anyways," he grinned. "You should get a girlfriend!" I laughed and tickled his sides, making him squeal. He managed to kick me off him, and laid there, panting.

"Maybe I'll get a girlfriend in college," I said. I had ended my..._arrangement_ with Mack a week or so ago. June grinned up at me.

"I think you could get a really hot girl," he smirked and I pinched his arm. "What? You could!" We fell back onto the bed, giggling. It felt good to laugh again.


	23. Slaying the Dragon

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**Let me know what you think and enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Slaying the Dragon<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

**December 2011 - Senior Year**

I walked quickly, trying to get away from the scene of my latest fuck up. To be exact, the scene of most of my fuck ups. The little voice in the back of my head and the emptiness in the pit of my stomach were driving me nuts. That was the only reason I could come up with for my latest harebrained ideas.

_Let's steal a baby._

_ Hey Puck, come sleep with me again so I can get pregnant and actually keep it this time. I'm pretty sure it'll make my emptiness go away. But you don't know that. Nobody knows that. They just think I'm a crazy bitch. You do, too._

Seriously, who the fuck did shit like this? I didn't even know who I was anymore.

_Who are you? I don't recognize you at all,_ the little voice said, mimicking my father's voice that horrible night. I bit the inside of my cheek hard, making it bleed. The coppery tang didn't help distract me much from the inside of my head. What the hell did I do to deserve this? I was a good person...mostly.

I felt a hand on my arm and I twisted around, lashing out at the person who grabbed me. My fist met Santana's chin and I blanched. _Oh fuck. No, please no. Don't...oh God. _I was becoming my father, wasn't I? Tears welled in my eyes and I hugged myself, not caring if anyone saw me and my impending breakdown. I had hurt Ana.

"Christ, Q," she swore, rubbing her jaw. "You need to get into boxing or MMA or some shit. _Jesus._" I didn't respond, simply standing there, watching the sidewalk and hoping she wouldn't hate me. I couldn't stand it if she hated me. She was the girl I loved, the _only _girl I loved. I would rather be tortured for eternity than be hated by her.

A hand on my shoulder started guiding me and moving me. I looked up, shocked. What was she doing? Where was she taking me? I was pushed down into the passenger seat of her car where it sat idling by the curb and the door was closed behind me. Santana hopped into the driver's seat and buckled in, staring at me pointedly until I copied her. Then we took off down the road, heading east.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked, hating myself for how my voice sounded weak. I knew her, I trusted her and she had seen me at my worst, but this was too much. This was worse than any of my past worsts. I felt fucking pathetic. I couldn't even figure out why the hell I was acting like I was, couldn't get my head to shut up and my empty gut to stop aching. She didn't need to see this.

_She didn't need to pity me._

I wouldn't be able to stand it if she pitied me. Pity made my skin crawl. The only person it had ever been acceptable from was Mama. But she was gone, so pity was not acceptable anymore. My hero was dead and with her my human comfort-blanket.

"You need help, Lucy," Santana said, her voice gentle. "You need help and I've sat by too long and I have no idea how to help. So I'm taking you to someone who'll know how."

I bit back the angry retort and crossed my arms, staring out the window as trees and houses flew by. She was taking me to a shrink. I wasn't fucking crazy, I protested. It was an automatic response even if I knew differently. I knew that I was acting crazy and I felt like I had gone crazy half the time. Fuck.

I sighed and turned back to Ana, watching her white knuckles on the wheel. I felt bad. She was trying to help me and I wasn't acting very nice. I hadn't said anything bad, but I hadn't said anything good either. And then there were my actions lately.

"I'm sorry, Ana," I sighed. "I'm sorry for the shit I've put you and Bee through." My best friend glanced at me and a small smile creeped across her lips.

"You can't fix it that fast, but I will say that your support of us will always give you bonus points with me," she said, flipping her turning signal on. "I love you, Lucy Q, and having you have my back makes me feel like I can be the strongest person in the world."

I blushed and looked down at my lap. I fidgeted with my dress, not sure how to react. She loved me, but I knew it was in a different way than what I hoped for. She loved Brittany in that way. I was getting so tired of being second best to my sister, so tired of hoping. But I was apparently an emotional masochist because I could never just leave them.

The car came to a stop in front of a brick office building and Santana cut the engine. She undid her seatbelt and looked over at me. "I'm gonna walk you in. I'll wait for you in the waiting room if you want, but otherwise I can just go to DQ and get a shake or something. It's up to you."

I sighed and got out of the car. Santana stood next to me and I swallowed. No office building had ever looked so intimidating before. But this was where I was going to get help. I felt a warm hand take mine and entwine our fingers and my heart jumped into my throat. God, I fucking loved Ana.

Inside the office, I had to fill out a couple pages of paperwork. I had never been so grateful that I was emancipated before _(thank you, disownment)_ because I don't think I could deal with my mother signing these papers and asking me why I was seeing a psychiatrist. The judgment, though less harsh than it would've been with my father, would be enough to make me just not want to go.

"Lucy?" A voice asked a few minutes later once all my paperwork was handed in. I stood, feeling awkward as the tall lady smiled kindly at me. "Hi, I'm Dr. Joan Benoit." I glanced back at Santana and she stood. Her arms wrapped tightly around me and she squeezed.

"You can do this, Lucy. I believe in you and I'll be waiting for you here, okay?" she murmured in my ear. I gripped her tightly and nodded before letting go. Santana was being my rock today and I couldn't help but fall a little more in love with her. I turned and faced the doctor, following her back into her office.

* * *

><p>I stared at the orange and white pill bottle that sat on the counter. It looked foreboding and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be on pills after only two sessions of therapy. Bee had always talked about hating them growing up. But she was still on them now and didn't complain anymore. Or maybe she did, just not to me.<p>

"They can't make you take anything if you don't want to, Lucy," Marike said from the stove. "You're legally an adult. They can only do that to kids which was why Bee had so many issues." I was staying with the Pierces for Christmas while my mother was out drinking with her friends from college. The fact that her sobriety lasted maybe a month should've bothered me, but it really didn't._ Judith Kennedy Fabray was not a quitter,_ she had always declared. Apparently that included quitting things to save your liver.

I sighed and sat up, looking over at Bee's older sister. Marike had always been a part of my family even if we weren't as close as Bee and I were. She was older than me, smarter. I had wanted to grow up to be just like her or Aly Lopez. She was in medical school and Aly was pre-law.

"I know it'll probably make me feel better," I sighed. "But at the same time, I don't want to be in the place Bee was when we were younger." Marike moved the pan off the burner and turned to look at me.

"Listen to me, Lucy," she said quietly, her icy eyes serious. "You are different. Bee felt forced to take them and because of that, she didn't tell any of us what was going on until she was in a hospital bed getting a blood transfusion. _You_ can choose to take them and see if they help any. If they do, great. If they don't, you can choose to tell the doctor they're shit and she'll take you off of them. Or you don't have to take them at all. You know it's a choice whereas she didn't. That's the difference."

"Okay," I said, nodding. I grabbed the bottle and opened it, staring in at the things the doctor thought would help me. I hesitated before shaking one out. The little green pill sat in my hand, surprisingly tiny for something that would supposedly help.

"Here," Marike said, handing me a glass of milk. "I don't know what kind that is, but Bee always gets stomach aches if she takes them on an empty stomach."

"Why are you telling me so much about her?" I asked. The oldest Pierce sister smiled and I took the pill, downing the glass as Marike answered.

"She told Santana and I that we could if it would help you." I felt thankful for my sister's foresight. Knowing that she cared about me enough to let me in on something that personal, even if it wasn't directly from her, made me feel loved. Even if I was insanely jealous of her relationship with Santana, I loved her. It was because of that that I stuck around. I needed my family and I would always need them. Santana and Brittany were helping me slay my dragons after all.


	24. The Lady Waiting

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**Happy Easter, readers! If you do Passover, **Chag Sameach! **Let me know what you think of this and enjoy!******

* * *

><p><strong>The Lady Waiting<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-four**

**January 2012 - Senior Year**

The envelope was thick, plain white with only the Yale University logo on it in the upper left corner and my name and address printed neatly in the middle. It wouldn't be thick if I hadn't gotten in, right? I had never been this terrified-nervous in my life. Except for maybe when I was waiting in my bathroom with Santana on the pregnancy tests. But both were life-changing things. And here was the latest, if I could come up with the courage to stick my finger under the flap and pull the seal apart.

I closed my eyes and fingered the cross around my neck, trying to let the cool metal calm me. It didn't, hadn't ever really if I were being honest, but I was hoping for _something_. Something that would tell me that I had earned my ticket out of Lima, my escape from the hell I had created for myself. A ticket to somewhere I wasn't a crazy bitch.

I sighed and stuck my pinkie under the gap in the adhesive. I pulled and carefully pulled the folded papers out.

_Dear Ms. Lucy Fabray,_

_Welcome to Yale University class of 2016..._

My jaw dropped. I had done it. I was getting out of Lima! I squealed loudly, not caring if I woke my mother from sleeping it off (even though I doubted that'd happen). I was getting out! The end was in sight! Early admission to Yale! I fist-pumped and bounced up and down a bit before calming myself. Now I just had to figure out how to tell everyone.

* * *

><p>I walked into the Pierce house that night, ready to lie down on the extra bed in Bee's room and pass out. Glee had been exhausting and my volunteering gig had been particularly stressful. I had never been this exhausted before and I wasn't even sure why. I was partially worried it was an effect of my pills, but it didn't seem all-consuming or like a robotic-zombie tired that Bee had always described it as. Maybe it was nothing more than stress.<p>

"Hey, Ella," I called. "I'm gonna go take a nap."

"Okay Lucy, but can you come in here a minute?" I sighed and rubbed at my face before heading down the short hallway into the living room. The _crowded_ living room. The entire Pierce family was there along with J, Hannah, Santana and June. There was even a laptop open with both Diego and Aly's grinning faces.

"Congrats on Yale!" Bee squealed, bounding over to me and hugging me tightly. I could hear everyone laugh at my shocked face. "We're so so proud of you and we wanted to do something awesome for you. So, we made you all your favorite foods and got you presents and stuff."

I smiled, squeezing my sister tightly before going around and hugging everyone, thanking them as they congratulated me. They were my family, my _real_ family, and I loved them whole-heartedly. Little Robin giggled and June held her hand, looking like a proud older brother.

_Yeah,_ I thought to myself, _this is definitely my family._

* * *

><p>I sat on my roof with Bee and Ana, looking out at the frozen world. It was tradition to get together and share what good things we hoped would happen when the ground thawed and everything would start to get green again. There wasn't a lot of snow this year, so sitting on my roof was a first.<p>

"Get the fuck outta Lima," Santana said. I tapped my beer bottle to hers and Bee laughed.

"I second that."

"Thirded," I said, slightly buzzed. "Where'd you apply to?"

"Columbia, Northwestern, UCLA, USC, Florida, Stanford, Yale," Santana says with a smirk. "Who knows where I'll go though. I just want to get out of Ohio." We both looked to Bee and I was surprised that she hadn't even told her girlfriend where she had applied to.

"That's a surprise," blonde eyebrows wiggled teasingly as she brought her beer to her lips and tilted it back. I laughed, happy that she had places she applied to. I knew she had, knew she had been working with Marike on it, but I didn't know _where to._ I just knew she was getting out.

The future was looking bright for the first time in a long while and I couldn't wait. I really couldn't. I wasn't sure if it was my pills making me this happy or just me being happy. Either was great. I hadn't felt like this in forever and I fucking loved it.

I felt _alive._ Now all I had to do was wait with fingers crossed and sheer determination and I would get the hell out of Lima, Ohio and away from my drunken mess of a mother. Seven months until the start of freshman year of college. I _couldn't_ wait.

But I had to.


	25. A Dear Companion

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**A/N: Chapter 26 is the final chapter in canon. Chapter 29 is the final chapter in 2012. There will be a time-jump in 30. Prepare yourselves, you're about to enter the madness of my mind!**

******Let me know what you think of this and enjoy!******

******_HAPPY GLEE DAY!_ (Hopefully tonight isn't too horrible! I won't be able to catch it tonight, so don't spoil me!)******

* * *

><p><strong>A Dear Companion<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**Early February 2012 - Senior Year**

Sitting atop a table in an empty classroom made me feel like we were gathered so Berry can talk to us about losing her virginity again. But we're not. It was just me and Bee this time and I was trying to come up with the metaphorical balls to even have this conversation.

"So, what did you want to talk about Quinn?" she asked, kicking her legs slightly. I loved my Bee, I did, but right then I was so fucking nervous. There were so many things I could talk about that would be preferable to this.

"I-uh," I bit my lip and looked away from my sister. I couldn't look at her for this. What if she realized that we were in love with the same girl? It was highly irrational, but I just couldn't risk it. "I'm kind of gay, Bee."

I was met with a tight hug and a kiss to the cheek. "I'm honored you told me, Lucy. I know admitting to that is hard for pretty much everyone." When we pulled apart, I grinned at her.

"Except for you," I said, teasingly. She rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Lately, yeah, but I'm not gay. I like just about everyone." We sat with our elbows touching as I turned this bit over in my head. I knew she was bisexual, but I still didn't quite get it. I wasn't an ass who though bisexuals were all unable to be in a committed relationship or needed to just pick _one_ gender to go after. No, I was just trying to understand how she could possibly _like_ a guy as anything more than a friend. It was a foreign idea to me, to be honest. I never had. Sure, I had loved Puck and Sam in a way, but it was more of a friend thing. I cared deeply for them, but that was where it ended.

"Let me put it this way," Bee said. I looked up at her, eyebrow raised. "I can take pretty much everyone's clothes off and be all right with them physically. But if they're a douche, it's a no-go. For example, Finn will forever be a no-go."

I felt a bitter swirl in the pit of my stomach. The Finntard should've apologized to Santana rather than sang a horribly depressing version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." That entire time, I was trying to be supportive of Ana, trying not to kill him. I should've known Bee had felt the same way.

"He's an ass," I agreed quietly. I was ashamed that I had ever dated him. Granted, it had been more for status and because I was in denial, but _still_. What the hell did Berry see in him? It was ridiculous.

"Soooo..." Bee drawled after a long moment of silence. "While I understand the need to skip study hall and I am so so happy you came out to me, why are we here exactly? I mean besides you telling me how awesomely unicorn you are."

"Uh..." I started. _Fuck_. Originally, I had planned on asking her hypothetical questions about what to do if the person you liked was in a relationship and how to get over someone, but now that I was here, I knew it would never work. Bee would do her best to guess who it was and I couldn't deal with my best friend knowing I was in love with her girlfriend.

Because the worst part? She wouldn't even get angry. She would get all quiet and sad and she would _pity _me. If I couldn't stand pity from Ana or anyone else, I was pretty sure I would die if Bee pitied me. She was the best person I had, but her pity would utterly crush me in its sincerity. Because she'd be sincere. She'd feel bad and I just couldn't do that.

"I, uh, um..." I started. Who can I say? She won't tell anyone if I swear her to secrecy. Not even Ana will know... "I, uh, I like someone who's in a relationship and I'm kind of trying to figure out how to get over them."

Bee smiled at me, her fingers tapping at her lips and eyes sparkling in mischief. _And here goes the guessing game,_ I groaned mentally.

"Oooooh," she said, sounding excited. "Who is it? Obviously a girl because of the whole Lebanese thing... Is it Mercedes?" I stared at her with wide eyes and she laughed. "Okay, so obviously not Mercedes. I don't think I could date her either. Too much bad attitude and not the good kind of bad."

"Even I have some kind of sanity, Bee," I said, rolling my eyes. She hummed as she thought before starting to bounce a bit more on top of the table.

"Is it Tina? Because she's really hot sometimes and I'm pretty sure she's at least bi-curious!" I shook my head and my hyperactive sister pouted. "Are they in Glee or do I need to start naming cheerleaders?" I felt my stomach drop. Who did I name just to get her away from this guessing game? Because if she guessed right, I wasn't sure I could control my face.

Oh.

_Brilliant! She'd never think of that!_

"You don't have to guess, Bee," I said quietly. "I'll just tell you." Her pale eyes were so worried, so serious and supportive, and it made me feel slightly guilty for deceiving her. But not enough to counteract the guilt I would feel if I told her the truth. She would feel bad for me and it would get back to Ana, and I just couldn't. Even if I was insanely jealous sometimes, I couldn't fuck with them like that. "It's Rachel Berry."

Her hand grasped mine, squeezing. "Oh honey." I sighed and looked down at the tiled floor. "I'm so sorry." Oh fuck. Now my plan was backfiring. She was pitying me anyways.

_Fuck._

But I guess it was better than her pitying me for loving her girlfriend. Better than her feeling guilty like I knew she would've.

I guess I could deal with pity if it weren't guilty pity.

* * *

><p>"Lucy!" I was hit in the middle and hugged by June. I smiled over his head at Ana and Bee as they started to leave Breadstix to go stay at the empty Lopez-Reyes house. J and Hannah were out for the night, having dropped June off a few minutes before, and I was watching him so my friends could have some alone time. The jealousy that filled me was somewhat lessened than it had been. It wasn't that I loved Ana any less, it was that I was resigning myself to the fact that she was with Bee. She wanted Bee and not me and I needed to be okay with that.<p>

"Hey buddy," I grinned as he pulled back. "You ready for your night at my house?" He nodded, picking up his duffel and following me out to my Bug. When he was buckled in, I pulled out onto the street.

"I've never stayed at your house before," he said, sounding excited. "Ana says it's got a lotta ghosts. They aren't gonna get me because I don't think I believe in 'em, but are there really ghosts?" I cursed my best friend._ Ghosts._ Not the literal kind, but June wouldn't know that. _Goddamnit, Ana._

"No. Your sister's just a 'fraidy cat," I said. June laughed and I joined him. I was glad to have company for the night, even if my company was ten years old. My mother was out again and I wasn't sure when she'd be back. If it weren't for June coming over, I'd have probably stayed at the Pierce's for the night.

Once we were inside the house, I showed him to the living room and headed to the kitchen to preheat the oven for a frozen pizza. "What do you want to drink, June?" I called to him. The sounds of _Spongebob_ met my ears and I chuckled, moving to the fridge. I rummaged through the bottles of alcohol to find two cans of Sprite and pulled them out before shutting the door. This was why I never had people over. My mom's alcoholism stressed me out too much.

But the bright side was that she didn't beat me like my father did...

I turned around and felt my heart skip a beat when I was met with June watching me. His hands were behind his back and he had a sly smile on his face.

"Jesus, June," I swore, trying to calm my heart. "You nearly gave me a heart attack!" He laughed and shoved a wrapped present at me. I traded him a can of soda for it and placed my own on the counter. "What's this?"

"I know I'm not a hot girl, but I figured I could be your Valentine anyways," he grinned. I felt my heart swell at that. My baby brother was so perfect sometimes. When he was grown up, he'd make any boy or girl the happiest person ever. "Open it!"

My fingers pulled at the taped edges and carefully peeled the paper back. Inside was a box with an envelope taped to the top of it. I pulled the envelope off and opened it, taking the card out. There was a little alien-looking guy with a speech bubble. _I love you to Pluto and back! Will you be my extra-terrestrial Valentine? _I opened the card to read what he had written.

_Dear Lucy,_

_I don't want you to be all lonely and stuff on Valentine's day. I asked Ana and Bee if they could take you with, but Ana had a weird look on her face, so I changed my mind and asked if I could stay with you. I hope you like being my Valentine, because I had fun going with Hannah to get you this!_

_Love,_

_Your "June"_

I wrapped my arms around his little shoulders and squeezed him tightly, making him laugh and push me away. "You still have to open your present, goof." I kissed the top of his head and opened the box slowly, carefully.

Inside was a leather-bound book, similar to the one June and Father Finch had made me. I opened it, realizing that all the pages were blank and there was a saint medal taped to the inside cover. I ran my finger over it, not getting why there was a simple picture of a lamb etched into the smooth silver.

"It's for St. Joseph," June spoke up. "I asked Father Finch if he'd help me find one like that. Jesus' dad is the patron saint of families, and we're family so I figured we could have matching ones." I looked up at June and felt tears start to well in my eyes as he showed me the medal that hung newly around his neck. I carefully peeled the tape away and put it on before hugging him again.

"I love you so _so_ much, June," I whispered, tears making my voice cracky and hoarse. He was my favorite person in the universe right now and I knew that I wanted to be around for him to grow up. I was starting to debate whether or not I really wanted to go to Yale. I knew I did, but I also knew I wanted to come home for every holiday break possible. I needed my little brother.

"I love you too, Lucy," he said, squeezing me. "You're always gonna be my sister."


	26. Grievously Wounded

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**A/N: This is the final chapter in canon. Chapter 29 is the final chapter in 2012. There will be a time-jump in 30. Prepare yourselves, you're about to enter the madness of my mind!**

**Also, I'm mad at Glee. They stole my idea. Fuckity fuckity fuck. :(**

******Let me know what you think of this and enjoy!******

* * *

><p><strong>Grievously Wounded<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

**Late February 2012 - Senior Year**

"We should start today's meeting by praying for Karofsky," Mercedes said. I wasn't sure what to do with all the emotions and feelings running through me. I was angry, I was terrified. I was remembering how Bee looked in that hospital bed, her arms heavily bandaged and getting a blood transfusion. She had been _so_ pale... "That he finds peace and that he feels better."

"I think we should start today's meeting by praying for his family," I said. Because his family would need it. I rarely thought about Bee's suicide attempt because I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't dive into that fear and hopelessness. The fear that she could one day try again. I couldn't out Bee like that, couldn't be a Finn, so I came up with another reason, another way to explain myself. I would be harsh, but that was what was expected of me, so I didn't care. "They could use comfort more than he could."

"I just don't understand how he could get to such a horrible, dark place," Sam said, staring at the ground. Joe, the Dreadlocked-Jesus, was looking around, like he wasn't sure what to say. Was this what it would've been like if people knew what Bee had tried to do? If it had gotten out to people outside of our family? Because I remembered how I felt, I remembered the daze I was in during her stay at the hospital. I remember how crushed Santana looked when I told her, how frozen and horrified.

"It's all over Facebook," Mercedes said. "A couple of kids from Karofsky's new school saw him at Breadstix with Kurt on Valentine's Day. They posted mean stuff on his page and texted everyone that he was gay." I met her eyes and swallowed, instantly wondering if Santana had similar impulses that night. What if she had done what Karofsky tried? What if I had lost her?

_Oh God..._

"He couldn't take it," she finished. Her voice was cracking, wavering. I knew the feeling.

"How is he?" Joe asked. "Is he going to live?"

"Well, he's in the hospital, but thank God his dad found him in time."

"I feel sorry for Karofsky," I said, knowing if I acted like it didn't bother me on the level it did, I could get through this meeting. I couldn't out Brittany, couldn't out that part of me back when I was nuts. And I was going to hate myself for what came out of my mouth next. "But what he did was selfish. He didn't just want to hurt himself; he wanted to hurt everyone around him." I paused and decided to add a bit of insight from my own life. "I went through the wringer, but I never got to that place." It was true. I never got to the place where I actually attempted anything. I just had the feelings.

"Quinn, please," a feminine voice said. I turned to see Kurt standing behind me, eyes red. "Sure, you had a baby when you were sixteen and you had a bad dye job for two weeks, but seriously? The world never stopped loving you." I felt my jaw slacken a bit. _The world never stopped loving me? What the fuck planet was he _from? I was fucking disowned, got emancipated and bounced around from house to house. I lost most of my friends, my fucking biological family. Who the fuck was Kurt to tell me nobody ever stopped loving me? "And you're going to Yale. You have no idea what Karofsky was struggling with."

I found my voice, tried to keep my anger from what I was going to say. I wasn't out, so I couldn't announce that I understood exactly. I fucking _understood_. "You really want to try to compare–"

"The despair, the self-loathing," Kurt cut me off, his eyes sad. I kept the urge to lose my temper in check. He was hurting, yes. That didn't give him a right to say what he had said, but I understood lashing out and hurting others when upset. I understood that better than most.

"It doesn't matter," I said, shaking my head. "I just can't imagine things getting so messed up that you would consider taking your own life." I was there for Brittany, I was there for my own struggles (even if I had never acted on some of my thoughts) and I was there for the aftermath of Kurt's stupid step-brother's actions. I was fucking there. I might not be able imagine it, but that was because I fucking lived it. I was fucking _there._ I was the fucking family, I was the fucking person going through that shit. I needed to swallow my anger, keep it for later when I could cry it out instead of lash out.

Kurt was hurting enough and I didn't want to add to it. I wasn't that cruel.

"That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion." I sighed and looked away. Time for one of Kurt's pity-the-gay-boy parties. Why didn't he do this for Santana? Why was everyone so much more horrified about Karofsky getting outed than Santana? He had threatened to kill Kurt, Santana called names and made fun of people. She was harmless otherwise. But yet, somehow Santana had "deserved" to be outed. Deserved to have her insecurities thrown in her face in front of a crowded hallway and have it broadcast on state-wide TV. What the fuck was wrong with people?

"Do you know what they're still writing on his Facebook? 'Better luck next time' and 'Try, try again'."

"Why are you even here, Kurt?" I asked finally. This was a meeting of the God Squad and last I knew, Kurt was an atheist. _Why was he here?_ My voice started to crack and I fought the urge to flinch at the sound of it. "I thought you didn't believe in God."

"He asked me if he could come, and I invited him," Joe said. For a boy with a conservative-Christian upbringing, Joe Tarantulahead was becoming an accepting guy. I just selfishly wished for a moment that he hadn't invited Kurt.

When the meeting finally ended and Kurt got his dose of sympathy, I left. I needed to go run or hug June or find Ana and Bee. I just needed to get away from him and his wrongful judgement. I didn't know where Bee and Ana had gone off to, so I decided to go to the elementary school and find June. I fucking needed a June-hug and I was allowed to pick him up from school. Screw getting back to school in time for the end of lunch period. I just needed a bit of sanity in my life. I didn't care if I got detention for it.

* * *

><p>The week was hard. I kept thinking back to Bee's attempt, to my own dark days. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to act around everyone. Rachel Berry and I were starting to get along and Bee would waggle her eyebrows at me when she caught my eye at practices. I would cringe internally at the fact that she 'knew' that I was in love with Berry. I wasn't, I couldn't ever see me doing anything but having a grudging respect for the girl and what could possibly grow to a tentative friendship, but Bee thought otherwise. Because I told her. I told her so she wouldn't find out about me loving her girlfriend. Because of this, my week sort of sucked.<p>

Winning Regionals cheered me up somewhat. Sue giving me my old Cheerios uniform and saying I was back on the team helped too. I told Rachel I would go to her wedding, wishing as I hugged her that I would get my own one day. Obviously, it wouldn't be with Santana, but with _someone_. I hoped I could be happy and in love like Rachel and Ana and Bee all were. I wished I could.

I ran to my mother's home to get my bridesmaid's dress, answering my phone without looking at the number as I raced up to my room. "Yeah?"

"Hey Lucy," Bee's voice said. "Are you sure you wanna come to this wedding? I mean, it's like a nail in the coffin of your chances unless you, like, wanna be a dirty mistress or something."

I choked back the horror-filled laughter at that, put her on speaker-phone and started stripping. "Um, I think I'll be fine, Bee. Thanks for caring, though."

"Okay," Bee said. "So, how long do you think you're gonna take? Because we just got to the courthouse and I'm pretty sure that Rachel's gonna go nuts if everyone doesn't get here soon. She's already pacing."

"I'll be there soon," I said, slipping into my dress and zipping it up. I grabbed my cardigan and shrugged it on before picking my phone up and turning it back to normal phone function. "What's up with you?"

"Santana's giving me a sad-face. She knows something's up with me and you and...I'm not gonna tell her because you asked me not to, but I dunno how to keep this from her." There was a pause and I heard muffled voices in the background. "Yeah, I know, Tina. Rachel needs to chill out. That pacing and stuff'll make her turn into a blue-Berry if she doesn't sit down. Make Kurt do it when he gets here."

"Okay, Bee," I said as I got behind the wheel of my Bug. "I've really gotta go. Give me like fifteen, okay?"

"Okay," my sister agreed. "I'll tell Rachel. Drive safe!" I chuckled and started the car, pulling out onto the street. The fastest way to get to the county courthouse (which was five minutes from Lima Heights Adjacent) was by cutting through the farms nearby. The area was deserted most of the time, so you could gun it and get there quickly. Santana had taught me that trick when I had first started driving.

There was a tractor in my way, preventing me from racing through the small paved backroads. I sighed and grabbed my phone as it started buzzing again, reading Rachel's note. I was _trying_. She needed to seriously calm down.

Once I was around the tractor I sped up, going sixty-five instead of forty-five. Santana usually went upwards of seventy, but I had limits to my speed-demon ways. There were deer around here and the images of what hitting one at high speeds looked like were still burned into my mind from Driver's Ed.

I was coming to the crossroads when I got another text from Rachel.

**WHERE ARE YOU ? ? ?**

I bit the inside of my cheek and quickly typed a response.

**ON MY WAY**

I hit send and heard the scream of a car horn before glass shattered and metal crunched. My side exploded in pain and I felt my head hit something hard. Everything went black.


	27. Protecting the Weak

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**A/N: We are now beyond canon, even if some of canon remains. Stupid _Glee_ writers stole my idea. _Bastards._**

**Chapter 29 is the final chapter in 2012 and the end of Part One. There will be a time-jump in 30. Prepare yourselves, you're about to enter the madness of my mind! There's a reason I'm called CheshireRyan after all ;)**

******Let me know what you think of this and enjoy!******

* * *

><p><strong>Protecting the Weak<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-seven**

**Late March 2012 - Senior Year**

I wished I were in labor again. I was pretty sure pushing a watermelon-sized baby out of a lemon-sized hole was a million times easier than this. It was gradual, but painful and I just wanted to collapse on the floor and cry. My entire body ached, shook in effort. And the sad part? I was just trying to push on the physical therapist's hand with my foot.

Fucking _pathetic._

When our time was over for the day, I collapsed into my wheelchair, a sad mix of grateful and resentful for its support. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. My chair started to roll along and I looked up to see Santana pushing me. I hadn't told her that I had physical therapy today, but it wouldn't be that hard to figure out as I went almost every other day.

"Why are you here?" I asked wearily. I didn't want to be the weakling, didn't want to have to be taken care of. Especially not by _her_. God, wasn't it bad enough my emotions were being tormented by my legs? Did I have to be around her all the time now, too? Living at Bee's house was helpful and hurtful.

Helpful because I was around my _real_ family, hurtful because I was always around the happy couple. Had been ever since I got out of the hospital.

"Because I want to be," she finally said as we reached the front doors. They opened automatically and she pushed me out to Mama's old SUV. Her arm wrapped under my armpits and the other under the crook of my knees and she lifted me with a small grunt. I was placed gently in the backseat and she helped me buckle in. I was grateful that she seemed to know about my new found fear of the front seat of cars, even if it made her look like a chauffeur.

I could hear her place my folded-up wheelchair in the back and the door being slammed shut before she got in the driver's seat.

"So, where to? Bee's or wanna go get ice cream?" I stared at her, not sure how to respond. "Ice cream, then." The SUV started moving and my knuckles went white in my lap. The backseat _was_ easier than the front, but I had a feeling that it'd take me a long while to get over my fear of moving vehicles in general.

And _don't _even get me started on texting.

When we got to DQ, Santana helped me out and into the chair. I hated the fact that I was sweaty and gross, but I loved the fact that she wasn't acting like anything was different between us. She was treating me like a person and it made me feel like everything was normal. Except for the fact that I was now shorter than her. But I could overlook that for a moment, because from down there I had a _great_ view of her ass as she walked. _Hot damn._

She got me a hot fudge sundae and a soda for herself in her own cup before helping me back into the SUV. I always felt bad when she offered to go to DQ with anyone because she never got anything. Peanut allergies weren't fun and she went into anaphylaxis last time she got ice cream here because there was a stray peanut mixed in with the M&Ms. We were eleven and I had never been more terrified. She spent a day in the hospital getting checked out and we slept in the same bed for a week once she got home because I refused to let her out of my sight. Sometimes I wished I had met her before Bee did, maybe that would've caused her to fall for me. But then I would remember how painfully shy and quiet and awkward I had been and I know we'd have never been friends if it weren't for Bee.

Bee changed everything for the better, even if it wasn't how I wanted things to be.

"I've gotta tell you something," she said finally when we were back at her home, looking over at me. We were sitting at the kitchen table, the chairs moved out of the way so I could be across from her. I wasn't not sure what she was going to say but her tone sounded ominous. She breathed in deeply before continuing. "I got into Columbia. It was my first choice, so I'm definitely going there."

I grinned widely, but I wasn't entirely sure why she didn't look excited about it. "That's great, Ana. But what's with the long face?"

"I dunno," she said quietly. "Bee won't tell me where she got into. She won't even tell me if she applied. And you're going to be like an hour and a half away and I'm going to miss you. And if both of you aren't close, I don't...I just need you two, okay? I need you both and I don't know how I'm gonna do it if you aren't around all the time." I could see tears start to well up in her eyes and I understood.

"Come here," I said, rolling back from the table. She paused for a moment before I smiled reassuringly. She gingerly sat down on my lap and I bit my lip for a moment. It didn't hurt me any, but I still wondered if I just fucked something up that'd make it take even longer for me to start walking again. I pushed the thought away and wrapped my arms around her middle. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" she sniffled. "It's good I realized it now, right? I mean, before we're like ninety miles apart and too busy to do anything but sleep for a couple hours at a time?"

"I'm so sorry that I nearly left you," I said, holding her tighter. She was my best friend, the girl-who-was-nearly-a-woman that I loved. I hated how terrified she and Bee must've been. We had lost too many people already. I never meant to nearly add myself to that list.

Ana twisted, hiding her face in my neck. "Don't ever fucking leave me again, Lucy. I'll have to kill you myself if you do." I pressed a kiss to her shoulder, holding her to me. I hated the surge of heat that went through my body at holding her so close, so intimately. She didn't see me that way. It was wrong, but it felt so right.

_Oh dear Jesus._ I was perving on my best friend. _Again._

"I won't leave you, Ana," I swore quietly. "I promise I won't."


	28. Grueling Dueling

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**I'm adding a chapter to the storyline. Chapter 30 is now the final chapter in 2012 and the end of Part One. There will be a time-jump in 31. Prepare yourselves, you're about to enter the madness of my mind! There's a reason I'm called CheshireRyan after all ;)**

******Let me know what you think of this and enjoy!******

* * *

><p><strong>Grueling Dueling<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-eight**

**Late April 2012 - Senior Year**

The fact that I could move my legs again had nothing to do with whether or not I could walk. My compression fractures were almost healed (total estimate was eight weeks and I was on week seven), but I was still having the hardest fucking time making it to the end of the parallel bars without the help of my forearm crutches. My legs would get tired, get stiff or numb, and I wanted to just sit down and let them relax. But if I wanted to walk, I couldn't do that. And it was fucking...it was _hard_ and I was tired. I just wanted to be walking again and graduate and go to Yale and get the fuck out of Lima.

I slowly made my way out towards the parking lot, wrinkling my nose in disgust when I realized my sweaty t-shirt was plastered to my back. Ugh. I needed a shower. I spotted Hannah and June sitting on the trunk of her car, waiting for me. It was usually Santana who came and got me, but she had a thing for Cheerios today. My insides burned at the memory of how I only got to be a Cheerio again for a few hours. While Sylvester was mysteriously growing a heart, she still said that she needed cheerleaders who could jump and flip and catch. I obviously couldn't. She had seemed sorry about the whole thing and it sort of worried me.

Pregnancy made Coach Sylvester kinder and it was weird.

"Lucy!" June shouted happily. He slid down off the car and raced over to me. "Did you do good today?" I smiled tiredly at him. I didn't know if bursting into frustrated tears halfway through counted as 'doing good.'

"Junior," Hannah called. "Give her air, little man." I smiled over at her gratefully. I loved June, but when I was tired and wobbly I just wanted to be left alone. June walked next to me as I made my way to the car. He opened the passenger door and took my crutches once I was in before jumping in the backseat with them. Hannah rolled her eyes with a grin and started the car.

I forced myself to ignore the surge of fear that went through me as we took the side road that I had crashed on. June spoke up suddenly and I turned my head back towards him, grateful for the distraction.

"Confirmation Sunday is tomorrow. You're coming, right?" he asked, brown eyes both serious and excited. I smile and nod. Of course I'll go, even if Mass still makes me feel awkward.

"Yeah, June," I said with a smile. "I'll go." He beamed.

"Great!" He bounced his leg excitedly. "You're sitting with Ana and J and Hannah. And the Pierces. Because all you guys are my family. Okay?" I laughed and nodded. God, I loved June.

* * *

><p><em>"Thomas Lucy, be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit."<em>

I stared at June as we sat down at a restaurant after mass to celebrate. I was shocked at his confirmation name. Partly because I expected it to be after Christopher like he always talked about. Partly because he tacked _Lucy_ to it. I only knew one boy to have taken a female saint's name before and he was mocked mercilessly the entire time.

But it was the fact it was _Lucy_ that I was shocked the most. Why had he taken my name? St. Lucy was great, but there were hundreds of others that wouldn't get him made fun of by the others in his confirmation class. It made no sense to me.

June sat down in the chair next to mine, his hand grabbing mine and holding it gently. I looked through my menu, not sure what to do or say. Once we all ordered, everyone started talking.

"Why'd you pick Thomas Lucy?" Bee finally asked June when our food was served. I looked at him curiously. Thank God that Bee asked.

"Saint Thomas Aquinas is the patron saint of students," he said, "And even if you're done with school, you're always gonna be a student because there's always something to learn." He took a bite of his grilled cheese and chewed thoughtfully before swallowing and speaking again. "Saint Lucy was because her prayers inspired me."

"Well," Ella Pierce said, "I think it's a beautiful confirmation name." Confirmation presents were given and opened and food was finished.

* * *

><p>That night, I stayed at the Lopez-Reyes house. As I brushed my teeth, there was a knock on the door. I turned the handle, expecting Ana. Instead, I found the shortest Lopez standing there, looking slightly nervous.<p>

"Can I talk to you a moment?" June asked quietly. I nodded and moved back to the sink, spitting out toothpaste and rinsing my mouth.

"Sure." He sat on the edge of the tub and I moved to sit on top of the closed toilet lid. "What's up, June?"

"I sort of lied earlier," he said. "I mean, St. Lucy had awesome prayers, but that's not why I chose her name." I watched him as he fidgeted. "Father Finch said I could take the confirmation name or given name of someone who I personally knew who inspired me. So I asked him what yours was and he said St. Lucy. So, I read a lot of her stuff to find out why you decided to go with Lucy even if it was already your name." If I was shocked during and after Mass, it was nothing compared to how I felt now.

"You're kind of my hero, Lucy," June said, looking up at me. "You have all this hard stuff and you still get through it. Like, your dad was mean and I know that he was way worse than mine because I heard Ana and J talk about it once or twice. Your momma drinks a lot. You had a baby and were really sad for a long while and now you're learning how to walk again.

"Father Finch gave a sermon on pers'verance a while back at school and when he explained what that was, I thought of you. You just keep going. That's why I took the name Thomas Lucy even though the others would make fun of me. I took it because you're my hero and I want to be like you someday."

Tears filled my eyes and I held my arms out for a hug. June stood and held me tightly as I started crying. "I love you, Lucy."

"I love you, too, June."

* * *

><p>I sat down in my seat and looked around. AP English was abuzz and I didn't really know why. I looked over at Mike Chang with my eyebrow raised. He shrugged and I turned back to the front as our teacher walked in.<p>

Mr. White held a paper in his hands and waved for us to quiet down. "I have in my hands the names of the Class of 2012's Valedictorian and Salutatorian." The class went silent and I inwardly scoffed at the eager nerds. "Congratulations, Quinn. You're Valedictorian!"

My jaw dropped slightly as my neighbors patted me on the back. I had straight _A_s, but I had never expected to be top of the class. If I were top, who was second? This threw my suspicions off greatly.

"Who's Salutatorian?" Artie asked from near the front. Mr. White looked at the name and a small smile quirked at his lips.

"Brittany S. Pierce." The class erupted in disbelief. I sat quietly, not sure what to say. I knew that Brittany was brilliant at just about everything but English and history. The fact that nobody else ever picked up on that was something she usually played to her advantage. But it made me sad when people treated her like she was a headcase who barely knew how to tie her shoes.

"I'm pretty sure remedial classes don't get you high in the rankings," Artie protested. A few others nodded. "She's...she's not smart enough."

"Actually," Mike said, speaking up. I looked over at him and gave him a grateful smile. "Brittany's pretty smart. She's in most of my AP classes."

"Yeah," I said, seeing Tina nod slightly. "She's my Chem partner." The rest of our class stared at us like they thought we were joking. _Goddamnit_. Why did nobody ever look past her sense of humor to see how smart she actually was? Brittany was smarter than I was, she just didn't get as high a grade in history as I did.

"I'm all for equal-opportunity," a girl in the front said, "but giving it to a retarded kid isn't cool. Some of us actually have brains." My hands clenched into fists and I wished I could walk up and threaten her like I would've before this year. I wished I were more threatening, but I was on crutches. Maybe I could trip her with them later. Nobody insulted Bee and got away with it.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent a quick text to Santana, giving her a heads up. My phone buzzed and I got one from Bee.

**CONGRTS, LQ! SO PROUD OF YOU RN. WANNA WRK ON SPCHS LTR?**

I grinned and texted back that I'd go home with her after glee and that I was proud of her too. Hopefully she didn't get mobbed by angry disbelieving nerds. The fact that she dated Artie and he thought she was a moron irked me. I was five minutes away from rolling him down a flight of stairs.

I breathed in deeply through my nose. Losing my temper wouldn't get me anywhere. But plotting revenge might. I felt the old Quinn start to bubble to the surface and I let her. She was an evil mastermind and I would need her. I could hear Artie and the other nerds still grumbling and insulting Brittany. Nobody insulted my Bee and got away with it.

This meant _war._


	29. The Righteous Crusade

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico is an awesome beta. Give her credit for looking this over.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**Chapter 30 is now the final chapter in 2012 and the end of Part One. There will be a time-jump in 31. Prepare yourselves, you're about to enter the madness of my mind! There's a reason I'm called CheshireRyan after all ;)**

**(29 and 30 were originally one chapter, but then I decided they would work better separately.)**

******Let me know what you think of this and enjoy!******

* * *

><p><strong>The Righteous Crusade<strong>

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

**Late April to Early May 2012 - Senior Year**

"I've called for a reinstatement of the Slushie Policy," Ana said. We were sitting at one of the work tables at the back of the Lima City Public Library. I felt like I was sitting in a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table, or the Allies back in WWII. It didn't matter that there were only two of us. We held sway and could get what we wanted if we had to.

"Did you pass out the names of who is to be slushied and who's safe?" I asked. Ana nodded and pulled out a notebook.

"Becky's backing me with ordering the rest of the Cheerios. You know her and Bee are buddies, so it wasn't hard." I grinned and passed her my own notebook. Her black coffee eyes moved over the page quickly and a devilish smirk formed. "That's fucking brilliant, Q."

* * *

><p>Dumpster-tossing and slushie throwing were mere child's play compared to what I had planned for our grand finale. Granted, it amused me greatly to see Artie dyed purple and blue for a couple of days because the jocks added extra food coloring, but I was itching for my plan to start.<p>

Fake pamphlets had been handed around to the nerds, asking them to meet in 124 after school. I made my way to where Santana waited for me. "Okay, so when I give the signal, I want you to get outta here," she said. "I don't want you getting in trouble for this because you need out of Lima more than I do." My heart swelled at that and it was all I could do not to pin her to a wall and kiss her. My impulses had been harder to control lately.

_We are doing this for Bee,_ I reminded myself. _Your older sister. Santana's girlfriend. Don't hurt her._

She had no idea what we were up to. She probably suspected, seeing how Ana wasn't particularly good at keeping her excitement to herself while scheming. But, she had no idea what the specifics were. And it was all a part of the plan. If she knew, she could get in trouble and neither Ana or I would allow that to happen.

"Operation _Yo Quiero Taco Bell_ is a go!" Santana said lowly to the underclassmen Cheerio and Mack. The girl nodded and sprinted off and Mack smirked evilly. There was a reason I had slept with her; she was insanely hot and cunning. Which, in hindsight, made me think that she was way too much like Santana for it to be a coincidence.

I left them behind me, heading to the school library to check out a couple of books. I needed an alibi (_though, who would suspect the ex-Cheerio and somewhat cripple?_).

* * *

><p>Operation <em>Yo Quiero Taco Bell<em> was a brainchild that I had been sitting on for our Senior Prank. It had nothing to do with the Taco Bell dog, just a name I had picked after listening to Santana bitch out Schuester. But when Bee had been insulted, I decided to say fuck it and use my brainchild at the end of the war Santana and I had declared. It was our atomic bomb of pranks.

It was simple enough. The first step was to get all the nay-sayers in one room, take _SuperSoakers_ full of food coloring and spray them all down. Second step was to throw honey and syrup on them and feather them. That way, even when they got the tamer version of tarring and feathering off, they'd still be dyed blue or green or orange. I had specifically called for orange. They'd look like those horribly fake-baked white girls off of TV.

The main way to get out of being discovered was to have it done by a handful of people. Santana, Mack and the Skanks, and two freshman were in charge of it. Nobody else knew about the finale. That way, it'd be harder to point the finger at the ones doing it. Especially since they were all binding their boobs and wearing hoodies and bandanas. It reminded me of a bank robbery.

The final step was to have an anonymous email go out to all the nay-sayers stating that judging others on appearances (for example, Brittany for having a sense of humor that made her seem dim-witted or Becky for having Down's or even Berry for having a giant schnoz) wasn't tolerated and that now they'd get to deal with it for a long while, too.

* * *

><p>I smirked the next day as a bright orange Artie rolled his way into the choir room.<p>

"Dude," Puck said, eyes wide. "I didn't believe it, but..._dude!_ You look like a crippled carrot!" Most of glee club snickered a bit. Everyone had seen the anonymous email and nobody had much sympathy for them. There was some because it was senior year and we were graduating in three weeks.

"Can you make that unnatural coloration go away quickly?" Berry asked, freaking out. "We have Nationals in two weeks and you can't be orange!"

"I don't know how to get it out of my skin," Artie said miserably. I almost felt sorry for him. _Almost_.

"Maybe you should've paid more attention in AP Chemistry class," Bee spoke up. Everyone turned to look at her. "We talked about it after Mark Hafner accidentally blew up a beaker of blue gunk. Take baby oil or nail polish remover and rub it all over wherever you have a weird color. Then use normal soap and water. Takes a couple times, but you'll be as pale as you ever were when you're done."

"Th-Thanks Brittany," Artie stuttered, looking shocked. Mike high-fived her with a grin and Santana kissed her cheek. I was proud of her and mentally patted myself on the back. The plan had worked.

"If you get me the numbers of everyone who got dyed, I can tell them how to get rid of it," she said. Bee was the best one out of all of us. If it were me, I don't think I would've told them how to un-orange themselves.

"Thank you, Brittany!" Rachel squealed. "Now we don't have to redo our costumes or the lighting!" I stared at the tiny brunette in shock. _Seriously?_

"I'll get you the numbers," Artie said. Bee nodded and smiled slightly before looking away at Schuester as he walked in. I caught Santana's eye and grinned widely when she winked at me.

Operation _Yo Quiero Taco Bell_ was a complete and total success.


	30. Sail Away from the Safe Harbor

**Disclaimer:** If I owned _Glee_, there would be so many more gay ladies. Honestly. Also, more Brittana awesomeness.

Kalexico and glee-southwriter are awesome betas. Props to both.

If you want, you can follow me on tumblr or ask me questions or whatever. I'm "cheshireryan[dot]tumblr[dot]com"!

**This is the final chapter of Part One.**

**Part Two will be a separate story and will have a time jump. It's a sequel where the real Quinntana will start. Knights is now complete. Thank you for reading and I hope you come back for the sequel.**

******Enjoy!******

* * *

><p>"Good intentions with bad results are often taken the same way as bad intentions with bad results."<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Sail Away from the Safe Harbor<strong>

**Chapter Thirty**

**Late May 2012 - Senior Year**

I was so tired of Lima. I was tired of all the memories, the feelings, the people. I just wanted to be able to leave and start over. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but sometimes there's a moment where you need to leave them because they make you feel unworthy.

I wasn't really sure what the catalyst was for that to start... Well, actually that's a lie. It started a week before graduation. It started when Bee figured it out. For real this time.

I had been getting sloppy in keeping my feelings for Santana to myself. It was getting harder to school my face, harder to keep the jealousy I felt for Bee to myself. Yes, it made me feel horrible, but it didn't at the same time. I was jealous. It was okay to be jealous as long as you didn't do anything to try and break the happy couple up. That was a total party foul.

We were sitting in our hotel room in Chicago, listening to her practice her part with Puck and I apparently couldn't keep the look of awe and utter adoration off my face. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned to see Bee looking at me with her lips pursed slightly. "Hallway," she said. _"Now."_

I swallowed hard and stood, following her out of the room. She made her way down the hall to where the stairs were. I stood, not knowing what to do or what to say. I had a feeling what we were here about, but I hoped to God that it wasn't what I thought. _Please, God. Let me keep my secret just a bit longer. At least until I'm in New Haven._

"It was never Berry, was it?" Bee asked after a long silent moment. I sighed and sat down on a step. "Jesus, Lucy. Why didn't you just tell me? You love Ana. How long?" Bright blue eyes pierced my own hazel and I flinched at the intensity. She didn't seem angry. Just disappointed. And I felt horrible about it. Anger I could deal with. Disappointment? No. I just couldn't.

"I don't know," I said lowly, ashamedly. "I realized it in New York, but it might've started before that." Bee looked away from me, her hands fidgeting. I wasn't sure what she was feeling other than disappointment. I had never seen her like this, though. And it kind of worried me. Kind of scared me.

"Why would you lie to me?" she finally asked, her voice upset. "You lied to me! You never lie to me! You keep things from me all the time, but you've never outright _lied_." She turned back to me and her eyes were welled up with tears. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No, Bee," I protested. "Of course not. You're smarter than me most of the time!"

"Then why would you lie to me? Tell me it was _Rachel-fucking-Berry_ of all people? Did you get some sick pleasure out of me believing you? Because you've never lied to me, Lucy, so of course I fucking believed you. You're my sister, my family. Why the fuck would you do that? You could've just told me you loved Ana."

I could feel tears start to stream down my face. _Fuck_. "I was scared."

"Why? I wouldn't have done anything except maybe hug you," she said.

"You would've pitied me, Bee. I can't take pity, least of all from _you_." She sighed, shaking her head and turning away from me. We sat in silence and I tried to fight with my tears._ Fuckity fuckity fuck._ I hated crying, hated hurting my Bee. I hadn't meant to. _Didn't that count for anything?_

"I just can't, Lucy," she finally said. Her eyes were still avoiding me. "You're my family and my best friend, but I can't fucking deal with you right now." She opened the door to go back to the room. "I love you, but I'm so fucking angry and disappointed with you. I just...I _can't_."

When the door swung shut behind her, my tears hit me again, full-force this time. Sobs wracked my body and I knew then that nothing would ever be the same. I had fucked up, more so this time than when I slept with Puck or went all _Skank_-ified.

I had fucked up majorly.

* * *

><p>By the time Graduation Day rolled around, the entire glee club was on a post-Nationals-win high. I think I was the only member who wasn't overjoyed about it. I couldn't bring myself to care. I couldn't bring myself to stay with the Pierce family, not when Bee barely acknowledged my existence. Ana noticed (how could she not?), but she chose not to get in the middle of it. Which part of me was thankful for and the other half wished she would get involved just so she would <em>know.<em>

I was losing all my ability to care about whether I kept my secret or not.

I walked numbly up to my seat on stage next to Bee, listened to Principal Figgins and then Bee. I don't even remember my own speech, I just remember standing there with my hands gripping the podium and my mouth moving. There was applause, a standing ovation and cheering. I'm not sure if it was because my speech was particularly awesome. I just think it was because we were almost done, almost ready to be out of the sweltering heat of the football field and ready to take off these stupid red gowns.

Names were called in alphabetical order and I managed not to trip. The feel of the little red book that held my diploma was slightly heavy. I think it was only heavy in my mind though, because it was tiny and it doesn't weigh as much now.

I remember June tackle-hugging me and stumbling back and seeing the look on Bee's face that made my heart break. It was blank, but her eyes... Her eyes wounded me, flayed me alive. Her eyes spoke betrayal and I wanted to jump off a bridge, do something to just get away from that.

I stayed at the joint grad party for Santana, Bee and myself long enough for cake and gifts. But as soon as there was an opening, I left. I started walking home, not caring that it was a few miles and that my legs and back would ache at the end. I just needed_ away._

I stopped on the bridge that ran over the river that sat halfway between my house and Lima Heights Adjacent. I watched the current, the way you could see twigs and logs and junk float along. I suddenly understood Ophelia. To sleep in the depths of the river would be heavenly. I wouldn't have to deal with the disappointment and betrayal that I had caused.

* * *

><p>I walked into my mother's house, not really caring that I was being loud or that she would likely be wasted as per usual. I slammed the front door behind me, kicked off my shoes and walked into the living room to flop down on the couch. I could hear the sound of a glass being dropped in the sink and I closed my eyes, wishing that I could be somewhere else. Be <em>someone<em> else. Be anyone but me, anywhere but here.

But that wouldn't happen. Not until I left and lost myself and reinvented me. I had to wait until the end of July for that. And I wasn't sure if I would survive the whole summer with my mother if I didn't have my Bee. If I didn't have Bee, there was no way I could hang out with Ana without making Bee feel even more betrayed. Jesus fucking _Christ_ I had fucked up.

My mother swayed slightly as I opened my eyes and watched her lean against the wall, a tall glass of some amber-brown liquid in her hand. "Cheers, Quinnie!" I smiled weakly at her, wishing she were sober. That wish suddenly turned into a wish where Mama Lopez were still around. I still wished I could trade Judith Kennedy Fabray in for Mama. Trade a person who wasn't really alive, in for one who had lived to the fullest when she was here.

God, I missed Mama.

I closed my eyes and tried to come up with a game plan for leaving Lima. I had money saved up, so I could find somewhere like a motel to crash in or whatever. I had gotten a new car (new to me, at least) a few weeks back to replace my Bug. I wasn't the most comfortable driving it, but it was comforting to know that if I had to get away, I could.

I sighed and got up, moving up the stairs to my bedroom. I knew what I wanted to do, what I needed to do.

* * *

><p>The next day, I went over to the Lopez-Reyes house. I knew that Bee and Ana had planned on going somewhere the night before so neither of them would be home right now. Which was what I wanted. I just wanted to see June.<p>

His face was happy, excited like it was every time I came to see him. It fell slightly when he saw my expression and he hugged me tightly. I squeezed him back before he pulled back.

"What's wrong, Lucy?" I sighed and pulled three envelopes from my pocket. One for him, one for Bee and one for Ana. I handed them to him and messed up his hair slightly.

"I'm leaving today, June," I said, not really sure how to explain. His eyebrows furrowed and he looked at me, not really sure what to say.

"I thought Yale didn't start 'til like August?"

"It doesn't," I said. I sat down on the porch. He joined me and took my hand in his. "I just need to get away for a while, find myself. I haven't been me in such a long time."

"Oh," he said. I looked over at him, seeing how caring and warm his brown eyes were. "Well, I don't really get it, but if that's what you gotta do, that's what you gotta do." I smiled at him, squeezing his hand. He shifted and kissed my cheek. "I love you, Lucy. Stay safe and call me to let me know you're okay? No texting though. You can't go to the hospital again, okay?" I chuckled and nodded before standing up to head to my already-packed car.

"I love you, too, June. You're an awesome little guy." He grinned widely, a blush on his cheeks. "Don't change."

"I'm gonna change," he said in a _duh_ tone. "Puberty's gonna happen and stuff." I started laughing as I made my way to my car. I waved at him before getting in the driver's seat.

There were things about Lima that I would miss, people that I would always love. But for now, I was leaving and I wasn't sure I would ever be back. I needed to do it for my own sanity, needed to get away from my ghosts. As the _Welcome to Lima_ sign disappeared in my rear-view mirror, I breathed out slowly.

_Here was to the future._

_Here was to saying goodbye to the past._


End file.
